All da bitches love it

Cali-Swag District rapper M-Bone was killed recently in a drive-by shooting.

Sad.

On the bright side, he can now teach Jesus how to Dougie.

R.I.P.

Talk Dirty to Me...

Some things just need to be documented.
We have been doing some renovations around our house. We started with the backsplash in our kitchen. I had NO idea that a simple backsplash job would result in some serious dirty talk. Innocent dirty talk, but having our windows open, I wonder what the neighbours heard and thought at certain points this evening.

The tile is up, grouted and the final step was to caulk the edges. I was being given a lesson on how to properly use my caulk. Here are a few phrases that passed our lips tonight:

First, cut the tip of your caulk on an angle. Ouch.

Upon opening it, Mr. Sass exclaims, "this caulk is really gritty." We look a the package (hehe) and he says, "Ohhh! The caulk I have is sanded, that's why it's gritty!" Then the lesson continues....

Don't touch the caulk with your hands unless you have a glove.

Tie your hair back, I don't want a hair in my caulk.

Keep a firm grip on your caulk and go slow.

Be careful where you put your caulk, it might drip.

Dear, this caulk smells funny. Is it suppose to smell?

I was just getting the hang of it when my girlfriend K called.

They recently did their backsplash with the same tile so we got talking:

K: Where's Marto?

Me: Using his caulk in the kitchen...

Me: Hey! What type of caulk did you guys use?

K: Bone White Caulk.

Me: Yeah Yeah!

Me: We looked at Bone White, but Martin is happy using his antique white caulk for the job. (Side note: Martin didn't like this joke!)

K: Well tell him not to touch his caulk job with his fingers, it really messes it up. Mike did it and it made a real mess. He had to do it all over again.

Me: Well, Martin bought a tool for $5.00 to help with his caulk job. We are calling it the caulk applicator. He's actually holding his cock steady in the corner right now and using his tool to fix a tight hole.

Later, once I was back being the dutiful assistant that I am (hey, if there is caulk..I'm there!), he asked to look for any little holes in the grout job so he could fill them in with, you guessed it, his antique white cock.

"Dear, I found a hole, but it looks a little tight. Do you think you can get your caulk in there?"
"Of course, I'll just mash it in there and wipe away the mess after."

Let me fill that hole with my caulk!

I tried using my caulk and ended up uttering the phrase "I have caulk on my hands." To which he replied, "You must always keep your caulk to yourself and clean up after a caulk job." In the end I did quite a good job. I guess you can say this girl can handle her caulk!

Finally it was done and we sat for a moment. The dog came into the kitchen and was chomping on something..I just hope my dog isn't a caulk eater.

I can't wait to start the hardwood floors...I can only imagine how we'll turn that dirty.

Relief.

For over a month now I have been plagued with awful congestion, sneezing and a real difficulty in breathing, mainly due to the amount of mucus and phlegm floating around.
I know. I paint a hot picture don't I?
I'm sure in the beginning it was truly a cold. I had the sore throat and the mountains of kleenex piled around me as proof. What was continuing to ail me was this congestion.
I finally decided that perhaps it was allergies.
Could it be?
I don't get allergies.
I was desperate to try anything to unclog my nose and clear my throat. I'm sure my students were desperate to have a teacher back that they could understand and who was a wee bit happier and a whole lot less grumpier!
I popped an allergy pill and VOILA!
The clouds parted, the nose cleared. I could breathe.
My patience returned.
My eyes opened all the way...life is good!
Thank you Benadryl.