You honestly read this shit?
Read this: WOW. Smile :) WOW.

I'm not there yet...

I'm going to be an aunt again.
Lovely news right?
Hmmm.
Not if you have infertility issues and everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant. It's not just anyone..it's people who you know aren't in the right frame of mind, relationship, financial situation, maturity level, etc, etc. Not too judgemental eh? I can't help the feelings I have. When a friend tells me she is expecting, I am genuinely happy. Thrilled. Yes, a part of me is sad because it's not me. Perhaps there is a certain amount of jealousy, but the overwhelming feeling is joy for my friends. This time? I'm not there yet.
Sister in law has been in this relationship less then 3 months. Suddenly she is engaged and pregnant..7 weeks. Do the math.
They don't have a place to live. They don't have stable jobs. They are immature. I could go on and you will leave this blog thinking how much of a bitch I am. I can't help it. I pray that this will help her grow up. I pray this is the relationship that will last. I pray for the health of this baby. I pray that I will find peace and be happy for her. I pray these feelings of sadness will leave me and I can come to celebrate this news like I celebrate the news of friends. When it comes down to it, I already love the baby. It's not his/her fault. I know I'll love him/her like I love my nieces. I know I will support her and be there for her.
I know I can be a better person and not have these horrible thoughts, but I'm not there yet.
It's just not fair.

What do I do?

If it were so simple

Mason and I were driving to meet some friends this afternoon when out of the blue he started this conversation. I think it will be etched in my mind for awhile. So innocent:

Mason: You know you're mom? and her house?
Me: Yes
Mason: But who is your daddy? Where does he live?
Me: Remember? My daddy is your papa. You have 2 papas, but this papa lives in Heaven with Jesus sweetie.
Mason: Why?
Me: Well, your papa died when I was a little girl and that's when he went to live in heaven....

Mason is quiet for a moment. We've had this conversation before but apparently he's had some time to think about things.

Mason: But why don't I see him? Why doesn't he come see you?
Me: He lives in heaven honey. We can't see him, but he can see us. He watches over us.
Mason: Why doesn't he want to see me?
Me: Oh Mason, he can see you and he loves you very much. You know like your song "God is watching..." It's like that. God is watching and papa is with Him.
Mason: Where is heaven? Can we go see your daddy?
Me: We can't go to heaven yet honey...not for a long time (unless of course I drive off the 400 because I'm fighting tears).
Mason: But where is it?
Me: (ummm..how do I explain this one?!) Umm..in the sky.
Mason: In the clouds?
Me: Yes, kind of.
Mason: Ohhh!! Then maybe we can ask Julian's daddy to take us in his plane to see your daddy!! Then you can see him again and you'll be happy.
Me: (laughing and crying at the same time and trying not to let him see the tears), That's a good idea honey, but your papa is an angel. If we were up in the sky, we really wouldn't see him.
Mason: Like Christine's dog (our neighbour)...my papa is a dog?
Me: Nooo honey. He was just like you and me, but when you go to heaven...it's just...erm...your soul..
My mind starts wandering... Crap...how did I get into this one? How do I explain so he understands? He's probably too young to understand and I'm warping him and messing up..and now he'll think all people die and turn to little yappy white dogs before they go to heaven...Hmmm...maybe I should rent All Dogs go to Heaven and complicate the matter further?!

Mason: Mommy?
Me: Yes?
Mason: When I close my eyes I see your daddy in the sky.
Me: I do to sweetie. That's how I know he's here watching us.

Conversation ended. I didn't bother to ask if my dad looks like a bichon frise or not.

Thank you

I spent the most amazing Saturday.
Do you know what it's like to have your stomach in your throat..and a perma smile? That's it.
Thanks for the awesome day and making me feel like that. I haven't had that much fun in awhile..which could be quite sad when you think about it.
My whole family thanks you!

In July, Mason attended VBS "PandaMania" with his bestest friend Ainsley. Her mommy and I helped out. Mason had a great time...for the most part. There was a lot of back and forth for me to check on him. Luckily he doesn't have a concept of time yet. He'd tell me to come back in 10 minutes to check on him and I could be gone 45 minutes and as long as I came back at some point and poked my head, he seemed to be fine. What really cracks me up is what he has taken away from this experience.
Ainsley got the CD of the music, so Mason needed one too (two peas in a pod). I think I've listened to the CD no less then 45 thousand times. He knows all the words (and so do I). He sings ALL the songs ALL the time. ALL. THE. TIME. We can be strolling through the mall or a park and he's "singing" (he has his mother's natural talent for singing. not.) "He's wild! He's wild, God is Wild.." Or he changes the tune/words and it may sounds like this (in a crowded store no less), "God is listening...listening...listening..TO YOU! AND YOU! AND YOU! HE'S LISTENING!"
Why do I see a future for him that consists of being on tv, on a stage..in a bad toupee...

Lately, he's into saying "That's the way God made me" or "God made it that way". Did you know God pushed daddy's chair into the kitchen?

So if you hear some cute....erm...loud singing and are feeling the need to pray to God (to make it stop no doubt)...it's just Mason starting his ministry early.

I wish...

I wish I could sleep in once in awhile.
I wish I could come home to dinner on the table and not have to worry about cleaning up after.
I wish I could pass out when I wanted to.
I wish I could disappear into the bathroom and not come out for over an hour and not worry that I've missed something or perhaps I was needed in some way.
I wish I could tune out every sound in the night.
I wish my laundry was washed, dried, folded and (mostly) put away for me.
I wish someone else cleaned the bathrooms, kitchen...house.
I wish someone else handled all the discipline issues.
I wish someone else took of the bills and all the shopping.
I wish someone made my lunch everyday.
I wish for a backrub once in awhile.
I wish I could feel like the only girl in the world...

You know what? Maybe I don't. Because then I'd miss out on so much time with my boy. I don't mind anything to do with him. He's the most important thing in my life. I'd move mountains for him...even if it was by myself.

I'm frustrated. I need more help. I need support. I need to feel that what I do is valued, instead of seeing what isn't done. I deserve that.

Maybe I shouldn't be so selfish. Maybe I need to be more thankful for what I do have.