Wow..time flies.
Here I am on the eve of IUI round 2.
Thank you to anyone and everyone who sent on kind words, prayed for us, kept us in their thoughts. Thank you. I appreciated the emails, messages and comments. The last IUI resulted in a BFN.
I'm not going to lie and say it didn't suck. UGH! I just can't go there mentally again. Some days I'm okay with thinking I may never be pregnant again. Other days, just the thought kills me. I guess I have to just trust in this path that we are on. I have no idea how it will end, but I pray it will end with another precious baby or our own.
So that brings us to this month. We go in tomorrow for the first of 2 IUIs this month. I had the hubs give me my Ovidrel shot. This time it wasn't in the parking lot of Harveys, it was in the parking lot of my school! We are just so classy!
I think I'm going into this one a little better. I know what to expect and I'm ready. In the back of my mind I'm not dreaming of fresh baby smells, cuddles and dirty diapers. This time I'm more in the mindset of "when this is over, I'm taking a break. We are out of money. I need to get myself back in some kind of shape. I'll focus on me now while we save money." Maybe that's not a good frame of mind in some ways, but it is was I'm thinking.
I've already signed up for a series of Zumba classes and printed off the auquafit class schedule (my two fave ways to sweat..although you don't really sweat in the pool I guess...).
Perhaps I go into this with no high expectations.

Either way, here I (we) go again.
Giddyup!

Take 2!

We went back on Saturday for take two of the IUI. We didn't have anyone close by to watch Mason so we decided that we'd have to tag team the event. Mr. Sass went in to do his thang while I played with Mason in the car, and then we went to the park for awhile while we waited. When it was my turn, he dropped me off and went back to the park with Mason while I went in. It was a little weird being alone, but the experience from the day before had calmed my nerves. They were really busy so I spent quite a lot of time half naked under a flimsy paper blanket holding on to a vial of little swimmers. I ended up getting board and checking email and playing on Facebook. If only people know what I was holding while or where I was while I played around! Ha. I did have horrible visions of me dropping it and wondering what I'd do. I resolved that I would probably scrape up what I could and pretend it never happened..
All kidding aside, we were worried that his count would be too low or non existent because of having had to do it 2 days in a row. However, his count was more then double what it was the previous day! Thank you God. Things have just been falling into place that I am full of hope that this could work.
I balance this hope with the reality that it's a long shot...and how are we going to deal with the emotion that will come with a BFN? The blessing in all this is that school is beginning next week and I am in full "back to school" mode. I've been in prepping my class and I'm sure next week will fly by too. I have to go in on Thursday for a pregnancy test if I don't get my period.

Hopeful.

Here Goes...

Today was a day filled with anticipation, nerves, fear,...and so many emotions.
We did our first IUI with this doctor. Our first since trying to have Mason. I was really nervous because our last fertility doctor was really rough and had ZERO bedside manner. He didn't really explain what to expect and in hindsight I was too ignorant and nieve to ask questions. It was an awful experience. Yet here I am again.
THIS doctor is amazing. He has a little more bedside manner. He is a no nonsense kind of guy and tells you how it is. However, he takes the time to make sure we understand, answer all questions and recap with us. I'm more comfortable with him. The nurses (who, let's face it, I see at every visit and are key in this process) are beyond wonderful. One in particular (Alexis) is an angel and I really get along well with her. I was pleased to know that she was the one that was going to be doing the IUI. We chose our "home" location to do the IUI knowing that likely the Dr. would not be there that day. Knowing she was going to do it put me at ease a little.
So...the verdict? It went well. I have 4 eggs, so 4 chances! It wasn't near as bad as that last time. Anyone who knows me knows I'll crack jokes and try to laugh if I'm nervous, and this was no exception. As she was doing what she needed to do, I whispered to Mr. Sass "Didn't you want another girl to join us in intimate moments?...well you got it!" I don't think Alexis heard (which is probably a good thing) but I got a serious case of the giggles after.
I've had some cramping and spotting but it's to be expected. The cramping actually started yesterday, especially after I gave myself a shot of Ovidrel to force ovulation. The best part was that I actually had Mr. give it to me in the parking lot of a Harveys Restaurant because he was meeting up with friends and wouldn't be home until it was too late. Oh well. We do what we have to do.
We go back tomorrow for another IUI and then are heading up to the cottage. The idea is that by doing two IUI's in a row it will increase the likelihood of getting pregnant. Here's to hoping!

Crossing my fingers...

Cross this off my list...

Ding.
Time to take the Clomid.
Except when I crack it open the pill is broken and a piece falls down my shirt. It's caught in my bra (because let's face it, nothing much is getting past those puppies). My sweaty, just-back-from-a-brisk-walk-and-running-around-the-yard, chest basket.
Do I really need this other half?
How badly do I want babies?
One boob-sweat laced Clomid piece down the hatch.
Cheers.

Swim on Swimmy!

Here I go, Here I go, Here I go again...(that sounded better in my head).

So where are we?
Let's see...I should do a post on our trip out west to Beautiful British Columbia (my husbands home province) for his brother's wedding, but I'll wait until I have pics off the camera to go with it. LOVE going out west.

Where am I with getting some wee eggies fertilized? We had a bloody breakthrough. Hold on to your hair folks..I'm not pregnant, but when Mr. Sass went to ... erm...do his thing after a few months of his vitamin regime, he actually had a count. This is different from in the past where it was too low to even bother. Last sample that was tested appeared to have nothing viable which makes us inelegiable for IVF. This time he had a count..low, but there were several million. So our doctor was more than pleased (as were we) and suggested we could do either IUI (which we have done in the past before we had Mason) or a "mini" IVF to start. We had a decision to make before my period started again. I left his office thinking I had a few days, but low and behold I get my period that night. For anyone on this journey, you know that Day 1 means a phone call to book a day 3 ultrasound. That was Monday and I had to have decided! Talk about rush!
The breakdown would be about $8000 for IVF (plus about $2000 for the drugs which I am covered for with my drug plan) or $600 for the IUI. What made me nervous was that there is a situation with teachers in this province right now and strike is a possibility. NOT something I want. At all. However, we've decided to be extra frugal just in case. We decided to go with the IUI this month, knowing that it's not our best option but $600 is easier to swallow then $8000 if I'm suddenly on a pickit line somewhere....I am hopeful. I think by doing it this way we are taking some action but it will allow us to figure out a plan as to how the heck we're going to pay for IVF should it not work. It also gives us time to see what my job situation will be like. I think (hope!) it was the right decision. So here I am on Clomid again hoping for lots of follicles and that just maybe the IUI will work. Optimistic. Hopeful. Crossing my fingers, but not my legs! HA!

Stirrup Queen.

What a whirlwind of a few months.
Let's see...
Sold our house.
Moved far away.
More like down the street.
Getting settled.

Done.

I thought I'd do a post on all this fertility (infertility?) stuff lately. I can't remember if I mentioned we were back in the saddle again...or should I say back in the stirrups again? It's been a few months already. We decided to switch doctors because our other fertility doctor was in Toronto and that is WAY to far for me to go for all those early morning visits...especially with Mason. I cant' do that to him, or his babysitter.
This new doctor is great. I really like him and his team. Right away he seemed way more thorough. He takes the time (as do all his nurses, who we see more regularly) to explain everything and make sure we truly understand. I was actually blown away when the nurse asked me how I was doing, how Mr. Sass was doing, how we were coping with things so far, etc. When I think about it, it makes complete sense to ask, but it's no something we are used to.

So where do we stand?

We know we are faced with MFI. Oligospermia, and low motility. Through some genetic testing from our previous doctor we know that this is caused (inpart) by a translocation of one of his chromosones. They did some more detailed ultrasound to check for a  varicocele. Right away the mister was put on Conception RX, Coenzyme Q10, Maca and last month he took a round of clomid. We must return in a few months for another semen analasis.

I am currently taking pregvit twice a day. It's a mulitvitamin with a large dose of folic acid in it. I'm also on vitamin D3 (2000 iu per day) and a thryoid medication. Apparently my thyroid levels are okay, but they like them lower. If the fact that my thyroid was at a 4 means anything to anyone, then great. Apparently having it lower is optimal for fertility treatments and such. I believe it's at a 2 now? The burst of energy has been nice, but I wake up starving which is not something I am use to!
In the beginning I did the dye test. I went to the hospital and they shot dye into my uterus and fallopian tubes to see if there was any blockage. That was fun. It wasn't bad at all but the damn ladies in the waiting room were making it sound awful. No blockages though!
We also did a post-coital test (PCT)...you can google that one. Nothing like being told to do it in the morning and then come in so the (poor, but kinda hot) nurse can swab your insides. Again: fun.

Last month I took Clomid for the first time. Before I was taking Femara and had an injection in my bum a few times (but can't remember what the heck it was or what it was for, which tells you how much time my last doctor took to make sure things were explained. It also shows how dumb I was for not asking the right questions). With Clomid, I ended up with 7 follicles. I took an HCG shot to force ovulation (although I always ovulate but I guess they just wanted it done?!). I can always tell when I'm ovulating and from what side, so I was sure I was ovulating but to my surprise I hadn't yet. That is when they gave me the shot in the abdomen. I was told that I would probably feel ovulation cramping etc. When the nurse heard I was already feeling it, she suggested that perhaps it would be a little more intense...and that was an understatement! I was doubled over at times and hobbling around all bloated and crampy. I made some comment about now knowing how a mother spider with an egg sack feels!! I was counselled several times on my chances of having multiples which was fun :) I had a few crazy dreams with 7 cribs lining our loft area off our room and the octo mom banging on my door offering her advice (starngly enough she was wearing a naughy nurses outfit..ugh!!).  I ended up ovulating everything. All. I was counselled again. It was nice to be hopeful, but always in the back of my head I am doubtful and I hate that.  FUCK I wish this was easier.
Anyway, I had some pretty intense PMS as well which was unusual, and I actually made it past 2 weeks so I could get a blood test, but then ol' Aunt Flow came.
This month I am back on Clomid and just around the time where ovulation should occur. I am back in the stirrups again tomorrow :) This time it looks like a side effect of the Clomid is the thinning of my (uterus) lining. So guess what that means? A prescription pill which I get to shove up my "pill box" as my hubby so lovingly calls it...every night for a week.
Fun times.

So I'll keep my fingers crossed, but not my legs.

Giddy'up!!

Oh. My. Goodness.
We finally got the dumping of snow we were waiting all winter for. Except that it was a few months late. Hello mother nature..it's April. The END of April!!

Funny though, where I work (30 min south of here) it was just rain/wet snow...so I was somewhat shocked at how much and how fast it was coming down at home. We easily got 25cm of snow. Mason was so excited! We had snow in the winter, but it was never really great snowman building snow. We never really got to go tobogganing either.
We got home, pulled on his snowsuits and boots and went outside. He build snowmen/mice, slid down the climber into the snow, rolled around, etc. He was outside for an hour and a half! I came in after an hour to make dinner  but he stayed in the back while I watched from the window. I was grinning ear to ear. He was having a blast. My heart was sad that he doesn't have a brother or sister out there with him though. He didn't seem to mind though. Mr. Sass got stuck in the driveway and had to dig himself out before he could park. I apparently jinxed things because for once he was "on the ball" and put his summer tires on and put the snow blower away (which we did not need this year!! Hello global warming?). I was shocked and said something to the effect of "you know because you did this, we will got a huge dumping of snow still right?"  I was right. HA!

Here are a couple of pictures:

Let's hope that is all from Mother Nature. Snow in April is not okay. Especially since we had 2 weeks in March where we were shorts!!

Thanks for the photo opt Mother Nature...but bring on the sunshine and warmth!

And from the ashes, I emerge.
We've been doing okay around here. It has been tough some days and others seem to be easier. I think the fact that we've been so busy helps.
So where are we now? In all the events before the passing of my father in law, we found another house we loved. Just what we should be doing when we had so much going on right? Exactly. So we put an offer in, got it, and put our house up for sale. OMG. What the hell were we thinking? In some ways it was easier because we were just never home with being at the hospital all the time so making sure it stayed clean was easier. It was also easier to have people come through when we didn't have to remove the dog for showings. A thought that still makes me sad, but it was much easier. We SOLD our house and are moving down the street in June!! We currently live at #55 and are moving to #8! The joke is that we could probably fill Mason's wagon, cross the street and push it down...and because of the hill we are on, it would land on our new neighbours lawn! I'm sure they will love that! We love our neighbourhood and I really didn't want to leave it. We got what we wanted so we're both thrilled...and Mason is beyond excited to move to this house. I think it's because one of the bedrooms is yellow and he has claimed it as his own (yellow would be his favourite colour). I guess I won't be painting it as I had planned....

My niece Alison is doing pretty good. She has been taking her chemo treatments so well. She is such a trooper and such a sweetheart. It just amazes me how strong she is. I may not understand why God would have this happen to her but I must put my trust in Him that all will be okay and that there is a bigger reason for this. Just as there must be a reason for why my father in law was taken away so quickly. Alison's hair is pretty much falling out in clumps so they cut it really short as the last of it falls out. She is still a gorgeous girl...with her crooked smile and puffy cheeks! We love you Ali Cat! 

Speaking of nieces. I am an aunt again! But this time Auntie Sassy has a nephew! This is my sister in law who was hoping and praying that her dad would hold on long enough to hold his newest grandbaby. She had the same thing happen to her as me, where she didn't want to know the sex, but the doctor slipped and told her anyway. Things happen for a reason I guess (although I'm still wondering what that was for me! ha!) because as my father in law was slipping from us, she was able to tell him that it would be a boy and his name is Braidyn Abram Geoffry. When he finally passed, Jonelle told the baby's father that he would have a son and they decided on the name spelling while we were sitting at the funeral home! They wanted his name included in the obituary and on some flowers all the grandkids were "giving".

Soo Braidyn joined us on April 11 weighing 9lbs 5oz. His first week of life is worth a blog post in itself..or rather his parents are worth a blog post, but I'll save that for another day. Here he is:

I would like to add that at birth, he weighed as much as my dear friend Keri's wee girl who is over 2 months old!! Look at those chubby cheeks!! Love him.

Here are my 2 nieces and my new nephew (2 days old)! This was the day before they cut Alison's hair super short. She was patchy at best and apparently people tell me that when you loose your hair because of cancer, it is quite painful! I'm a proud auntie!

I can't just post pictures of my nieces and nephew and not post a picture of Mason. This is from a fun photoshoot my neighbour and I did in March when we had fantastic weather.Who knew we could be in a creek in March (In Canada folks!) and be soaked and be okay?! We had so much fun! We did these pictures for a father's day project we are working on...I just hope the hubs doesn't look at the blog before then...if he does: surprise babe!! hehe!

Walk the plank matey!

I'll leave you with that :)

Kisses.

It is with a heavy heart that I write this.
My beloved father in law Walter passed away this morning after a short but courageous battle with Cancer. He passed at home with family around him. It was very peaceful.
We are devestated. There are no words.
We take comfort in his words before his death. Yesterday before each grandchild left they gave papa a hug, and each time he responded by opening eyes, and/or trying to hug back. That was the only real interaction he made yesterday. My oldest niece needed that. She knows "Opa" said goodbye to her.
We are surrounded by so many friends and family. We are truly blessed by this. We take comfort and find strength in the outpouring of love and support.

Rest in peace Walter. We love you. You are an inspiration.

"If God leads you to it, He'll lead you through it. He'll either lighten your load or strengthen your back."

A quote that has often given me comfort and strength. Ain't it the truth though. Where is this strength coming from? Where does our will to keep going come from? How do I..we...make it through each day? I have, and have witnessed such strength in the family around me lately, that it's empowering. It helps fuel us to go on.

Things have gotten so bad with my father in law. My heart is broken. My eyes have cried so many tears...fought back so many tears trying to keep it together for the people around me. But the truth is, I'm watching a man I love slip away from us with every second. I'm going to loose my father. Again. I'm not even sure where I left off, but he has gone downhill so fast. They started the chemo and he continued his stay in the hospital for a little bit. There was talk of him coming home, but then he got worse and the talk was to move him to palliative care. He refused. Said he wanted to go home and lay beside his wife.
He was moved home and home care was set up.
Amazing nurses and personal support workers. Angels sent from God. Made things happen as they learned what my family is dealing with, specifically my mother in law. She is alone except for us kids to help and with my niece (her granddaughter) having leukemia, it drastically cuts down who can help...we must divide our time and resources to support each family as they need it. My brother and sister in law came in from Alberta and then left 10 days later as he was about to be discharged to go home with his chemo pack. At home my father in law had good moments and bad...and slowly they turned to more bad then good. A nurse called with an immediate notice to take him off chemo. No explanation.
I think it was that point that an already speedy process snowballed. They took away his hope. Gone.
He can no longer walk, eat, talk. He was violently ill after the chemo was taken. He can't go to the bathroom himself, can't eat or drink himself. In less then 2 days he went from being up at the table, sharing a laugh, eating soup/juice to being in bed, unable to talk or even open his eyes much. He grunts and is aware we are there, but is mostly sleeping. We talk to him, read to him, pray for him, but after the doctor came on Sunday, he said it will be about 3-5 days before we loose him. We called my brother and sister in law back home. Come now.  They are back in Ontario now, his sister is here and my mother in law's parents are arriving tomorrow. I've watched a strong active man be beaten down by cancer. Within 3 weeks we've journeyed into the depths of hell.
The last thing he has said to me was "Lisa, don't loose hope. I love you." I'm trying Dad. I'm trying.
To watch my husband sponge water into his mouth and wipe his face like a baby breaks my heart. So gentle, like he was when Mason was a baby. He's loosing his father, and I can't prepare him for how horrific this is going to be. I watched him become more alert and move when Mason climbed up to give him a hug and say I love you. I know he heard him. My son isn't going to have his Papa much longer.
My mother in law has asked that I go with her tomorrow to begin to make arrangements. It's the only time she will leave his side and I pray to God he doesn't leave us then.
I have to say that the countless emails, messages, texts, calls etc are what is helping me (us) get through this. Tonight, good friends popped by with dinner. It's the little things that mean so much. To know we are supported. To know that when I finally fall someone will be there to catch me. To catch US.
My heart is broken.
I hate you Cancer. I fucking hate you.

Where to start - Part 2.

Here I go again.

Where to start?

What the hell is going on in 2012? So far the only good (GREAT) thing is my bestie K having a second baby girl. So precious, so sweet. Love you Addy girl and big sis Ains too!!

So let's see, they say bad things happen in 3. I really hope in this case this is true, because then I'm done.

First, my darling 2.5 yr old niece Alison was diagnosed with leukemia. She had been sick for weeks. Her parents took her to the doctor several times and the ER several times. They were told she had the flu, strep, bronchitis, etc etc etc. She just never got better. She always seemed to have a fever and was this horrible grey colour. Her mom brought her to the ER once again telling them that something was wrong and they had to help her. They did some kidney tests and sent them home. No answers. She couldn't kick the gut feeling it was something serious and packed her up and took her down to Sick Kids in Toronto. They admitted her instantly and broke the news to them soon after. Her big sister stayed with us while Alison was in the hospital. She's such a trooper. She's doing chemo and at home now. They are doing some more tests tomorrow to see how she is responding, but the prognosis is good. I can't begin to imagine what this is like as a parent. I'm having a hard enough time as her aunt. It's just not fair that such a little person would have to endure this. Let me say this though, what an amazing place Sick Kids is. I was moved to tears several times just standing in awe at all that goes on there. All the kids. All the staff. All the hope. The miracles that happen everyday. We are truly blessed to have such a wonderful hospital in our reach.

Alison after her first Chemo treatment. Her cheeks are already puffed out. Still smiling though!

We continue to pray and be thankful to all those who keep Alison in their prayers.

As we focused our attention on Alison, we noticed our beloved dog Cooper was showing some odd behaviours. He just wasn't himself. One of the major things was that when we gave him a bath we noticed that his skin had this odd looking rash on it, almost like his skin was falling off. We took him to the vet ASAP and to make a long story short, it wasn't good news. I figure when the vet tells you to take him home and make it a good weekend while we wait for test results, that she's thinking she already knows what is going on. When the results came in, she was right. He had cushings disease. His poor little body was shutting down. He had lost close to 20lbs, but had a swollen belly. His liver was shutting down as was his thyroid. The skin was a sign his whole immune system was shutting down, and it was painful. We had to make the (very) hard decision to say goodbye to Cooper. Oh. My. God. So hard. I didn't think I'd cry so much. I had never had to put an animal to sleep before and was scared. He left this world with our voices and his head in my hands. His sweet eyes haunt my dreams. Our house is empty. My floors are full of crumbs. My heart is broken.

Mason doesn't really understand. We had him say goodbye and give him a hug, but told him he was very sick and had to stay at the vets. We left it a day and then said that the vets weren't able to make him better and he died, and went up to heaven. Mason's immediate response? "Let's get a cat!" Haha!! It has taken a lot of retelling him, talking about etc. He'll talk often of Cooper. One day coming in the house, he poked his head in the bathroom and said "still no Cooper mommy." Broke my heart. he decided to rename one of his lovies "Cooper" so we still have a Cooper in the house. It certainly is very empty without him around.

Cooper November 11 2002 - February 9 2012

It was a Thursday that we said our final goodbye to Cooper. The next morning I get a call from my mother in law. My father in law has tumors on his esophogus and liver. Malignant and inoperable. The time from there to here is a blur. Further tests revealed he has very aggressive cancer. The primary site is the esophogus and stomach. It spread to his liver...and within the last week it has spread to his lungs. He was told he has about 2 weeks to 1 year to live. He has gone downhill so fast. He has aged in the last week alone. At first he was at home. He was unable to eat because a tumor was pushing his esophogus closed. They put in a stint to open that up and has been in the hospital ever since. He is able to eat pureed foods, but has no real appetite. He is yellow. His liver isn't functioning properly...at about 30%. They drained 4L of fluid from him this past weekend. He started chemo on Friday and is hoping to come home with his Chemo pump (chemo 24/7) by Tuesday. It's devistating. He is remaining positive often saying "this isn't a train wreck..this is a miracle train!" His emotions are all over the place. I can't stand to see a grown man cry. It breaks my heart to think we just may loose this wonderful man well before we ever thought we would. He's 59.

Dad and Dustin (my youngest bro in law) at a Calgary Flames hockey game..in better times.

So our family has been dealing with a lot lately. We are ready for good news. Ready and waiting. We are thankful for all the love and support that people have shown us. Friends have rallied around us. Phone calls, visits, emails, texts. Love. Lots and lots of love. Support. Prayers. Prayers and well wishes pour in. Yes, we are blessed. We will make it through this. Together. With love surrounding us. We have no choice. My goal is to remain positive and hopeful.

"Once you choose hope, anything is possible."  Christopher Reeve

Where to start?

Thank you Nicole. I saw your comment checking up and thought I'd better get my ass into gear. It's been too long. Partly due to my computer issues, but those of you on Facebook know it didn't really stop me from logging on there..so it seems a lousy excuse.

So here goes.

Where to start?

October? A lot has happened since October. Heck, a lot has happened in the last week.

Dec. 14, 2001 - My "baby" turned 4. Can you fricken believe it?!? We had a kids party on the Saturday before. We rented a party room and went wild. It was fun. Spoiled rotton. On the Sunday we had the family party. Party party party. We had an awesome Christmas too. Here's a picture:

Mason is doing great in school. I'm a happy momma.

December 12 was the 6th year anniversary of starting this blog. Wow. A lot of shit has spewed from my mouth in 6 years. A lot has changed. A lot has happened. Perhaps it's worth a review. Perhaps. Ease yourself into this Sassy. One blog post at a time.

Truth is, I could easily fill pages and pages..and post picture after picture..but my heart is heavy. I promise to post soon. I need time to deal with this before I post about it.

xoxo