"If God leads you to it, He'll lead you through it. He'll either lighten your load or strengthen your back."

A quote that has often given me comfort and strength. Ain't it the truth though. Where is this strength coming from? Where does our will to keep going come from? How do I..we...make it through each day? I have, and have witnessed such strength in the family around me lately, that it's empowering. It helps fuel us to go on.

Things have gotten so bad with my father in law. My heart is broken. My eyes have cried so many tears...fought back so many tears trying to keep it together for the people around me. But the truth is, I'm watching a man I love slip away from us with every second. I'm going to loose my father. Again. I'm not even sure where I left off, but he has gone downhill so fast. They started the chemo and he continued his stay in the hospital for a little bit. There was talk of him coming home, but then he got worse and the talk was to move him to palliative care. He refused. Said he wanted to go home and lay beside his wife.
He was moved home and home care was set up.
Amazing nurses and personal support workers. Angels sent from God. Made things happen as they learned what my family is dealing with, specifically my mother in law. She is alone except for us kids to help and with my niece (her granddaughter) having leukemia, it drastically cuts down who can help...we must divide our time and resources to support each family as they need it. My brother and sister in law came in from Alberta and then left 10 days later as he was about to be discharged to go home with his chemo pack. At home my father in law had good moments and bad...and slowly they turned to more bad then good. A nurse called with an immediate notice to take him off chemo. No explanation.
I think it was that point that an already speedy process snowballed. They took away his hope. Gone.
He can no longer walk, eat, talk. He was violently ill after the chemo was taken. He can't go to the bathroom himself, can't eat or drink himself. In less then 2 days he went from being up at the table, sharing a laugh, eating soup/juice to being in bed, unable to talk or even open his eyes much. He grunts and is aware we are there, but is mostly sleeping. We talk to him, read to him, pray for him, but after the doctor came on Sunday, he said it will be about 3-5 days before we loose him. We called my brother and sister in law back home. Come now.  They are back in Ontario now, his sister is here and my mother in law's parents are arriving tomorrow. I've watched a strong active man be beaten down by cancer. Within 3 weeks we've journeyed into the depths of hell.
The last thing he has said to me was "Lisa, don't loose hope. I love you." I'm trying Dad. I'm trying.
To watch my husband sponge water into his mouth and wipe his face like a baby breaks my heart. So gentle, like he was when Mason was a baby. He's loosing his father, and I can't prepare him for how horrific this is going to be. I watched him become more alert and move when Mason climbed up to give him a hug and say I love you. I know he heard him. My son isn't going to have his Papa much longer.
My mother in law has asked that I go with her tomorrow to begin to make arrangements. It's the only time she will leave his side and I pray to God he doesn't leave us then.
I have to say that the countless emails, messages, texts, calls etc are what is helping me (us) get through this. Tonight, good friends popped by with dinner. It's the little things that mean so much. To know we are supported. To know that when I finally fall someone will be there to catch me. To catch US.
My heart is broken.
I hate you Cancer. I fucking hate you.