I'm in a funk.
I've been in a funk since yesterday. I went with my mom and the baby to see my grandfather. He's in a nursing home now. It always shocks me to see him. This time, I nearly burst into tears. He looks awful. So frail, so pale, and not happy. When asked what he wanted he just said "health." He's confused and uncomfortable. He did smile at Mason and laughed at the things he did. He stared at him and reached out to touch him. He was actually content seeing him. He asked questions about him (although at times he's hard to understand). I felt so sad watching him reach a finger out to Mason. I felt like he was taking time to see his great grandson, like it would be his last. Like a loon I grabbed the camera and started taking some pictures (I always do), but this time I made sure there were lots. I think in part I needed to do something or I'd start crying. Maybe I shouldn't be pessimistic, but I can't shake the feeling that our time is severely limited. Years ago at age nine, I remember thinking "smile for this picture with dad, it could be your last." What friggen 9 year old thinks like that?
Well it was our last. I'll never forget that feeling of knowing.
I won't ignore it.
I don't get the complete impression that he's leaving us so soon, but I know things are taking a turn for the worse. I need to enjoy the time I have left and make memories and share stories with my boy.
I just feel so sad.
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11 comments:
Damn sunshine
Big ole fat boy hugs from me to you.
Sigh
sucks for sure.
good JuJu out to you.
xo
*sweet* hugs are coming your way from Calif
oh babe. i knew that feeling. i had it with my grandfather.
*huge hugs*
I'm sorry you are sad. :(
I have a hard time facing things like that. I tend to avoid visiting because I just can't deal with it emotionally. I do hope things look up soon. Big hugs to you.
I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa. Definitely one of the downsides of being an adult. ((HUG))
Sage - Thanks for the hugs and juju. Helps. I'm just sulking now....
Sweet cops wife - I love good Cali-hugs!
Jobthingy - It's just tough when you see there is no joy left in life for them :(
Hippychic - I tend not to visit as much as I should...but I'm changing that even though it hurts. I'll just regret it in the future if I don't.
JAG - Definitely easier being a kid! Thanks for the hugs :)
so sorry to hear that,
hugs your way,
it's important to keep good memories forefront in your mind...
I'm sorry. *hugs*
At least the upside is he gets to see Mason, and you bringing him to see your grandpa puts a little joy in his life at the moment and I'm sure he appreciates that more than anything at this time.
pronto - that's true.
kbear - yeah..I found out that after we left he was telling all the nurses about his "grandson" (great!) and he was in really good spirits. That made me happy!
Visit him often with Mason. It will make him and you happy for the time.
Sending you some squishy hugs...
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