It's not what it looks like I swear!

I think the cake yesterday clouded my judgment. I stopped at the drug-store this morning on my way to work so I could pick up a few things. I needed to get some batteries for a remote at school. While I was there I decided to grab some personal lubricant of the warming sort (tee hee). By the check out I saw the magazines and decided to grab an FHM. Those "men's" magazines make me laugh....and I was hoping to find the one with the 100 hottest women to tell you the truth! I placed all the items on the counter and was prepared to pay, when it hit me. Whoa! This looks like I am in for a heavy session of self-lovin! No wonder the old lady didn't look me in the eye. What would have made it perfect, would have been a parent/student coming up behind me. I love my life!

Pass the Cake and the Depends

So, it is with some trepidation that I am turning yet another year older today! The closer I get to 30, the more I think I analyze birthdays and how I really don't want to get to much older. I am having far to much fun in my 20's! I guess you're only as old as you feel, so that's a good thing. Even if it's based on how you act, I come out on top too!
So, although I'm not 100% sold on turning 27 (there I said it: 27!), I will celebrate today, and on the weekend too. My friends have made the day special for me as usual, and I really appreciate all the thought that they put into making me smile and surprising me. I'm sure the weekend will bring some adventure and a couple of stories to share no doubt. Until then, pass the cake!

Kevin Smith...Genius!

I got so excited today when I heard that there was going to be a Clerks 2!! Some of my all time favourite movies are Kevin Smith films! They are not really everybody's cup of tea, but damn do they make me laugh. They always cheer me up when I'm feeling down, or if I feel like some juvenille humor. The series of movies, affectionately called the "Jersey Chronicles" began with Clerks (1994) then Mallrats (1995), Chasing Amy (1997), Dogma (1999) , Jay and Silent Bob Strikeback and Jersey Girl (2004). I can't take any responsibility if you watch them on my recommendation and don't enjoy them or wonder what the hell I was talking about....but I swear they are hilarious! Every person I have ever lived with has fallen victim to having to watch them over and over (yet only a few truly "get it"). So..the countdown is on to August 18! I hope Kevin Smith can deliver again! Snootchie Boochie Noochies!

It's all in the name

I love cars, and would like to think I know quite a bit about them, but I'm not really into NASCAR racing. That is probably why I had never heard of DICK TRICKLE He was apparently a really good racer in his day, I just can't get past his name! I even heard that one of his cars was something like "White Knight." Common! I wonder if people really think about what they are naming their kids?

Some names I've heard of that are slightly out of the ordinary are:

Ali Bye
Avery Niceman
Dennis Elbow
Emma Grates
Gladys Friday
Ivana Veekoff (among other Ivana ones that are floating around)

I'm sure their are many more. I was always a fan of those silly 'jokes':
Did you read the book called Cats Revenge by Claude Balls? or Rusty Bedsprings by I. P. Nightly?

My own grandmother's name (God rest her soul) was Helen Burns...which if you think about it sounds like "hell and burns"...which is what some people say is going to happen to me.

Oh Brother..Here I Go Again!

I'm sadly known for creating limericks when I'm really hyped up....much to many of my friends distaste. Yes, I can hear their groans now...similar to the groans I get when I crack out my corny jokes. However, just for them because I love them so, I am going to try something new. I will be trying my hand at a few Haiku's. I can't imagine they will get as perverse as my limericks, but it will keep my mind working. Here's my first attempt.

Haikus of a Saturday Night:

man at my window
peering inside he's a perv
man I need more blinds

best friend on the phone
empty bottles everywhere
laughing camels rock!

(please don't ask about that one)

in my pajamas
it is only 10 o'clock
pass me another

Maybe I should stop...who knows if I even have the formula right! Forgive me if I do.

My mind is all mush
This week was effin crazy
Need normalcy!

Ok..I'm done seriously.

Coke Panties

I've been sitting here debating on what should be said. So much has happened this week, but really, does any of it matter in the grand scheme of things? Perhaps. I guess only time will tell. The most important things tend to stick out in my mind. First, I discovered that I have 2 future coke heads in my class. I look up from my desk during snack and see that they have stuck the straws of their drinking boxes up their nose and are 'sucking' in the juice, then spitting it out their mouths. When questioned, they tell me it's easy, just breath deep through your nose and bring it into your mouth, it feels really cool. I didn't ask how they were doing it, I just wanted to know why?! I'm convinced that I am surrounded by lunatics, and I love every minute of it. Does that make me a loon?

Secondly, on the loon scale, I probably rank fairly high at times. Today, about mid-scale. I had a little mis-hap at school today involving my underwear. Yes my gitch. My panties. Whatever you want to call them. It seems that I may have found some way to rip them right off on one side, leaving them just hanging. I wish I could say it was in some heat of passion, but I'm really not sure how it happened (and they weren't old or worn which makes it that much more sad!). I just found myself trying to rush outside for yard duty and at the same time wondering if I should just go commando or try to tie/pin them. I figured I better atleast pin them and went in search of a safety pin. A normal person probably would have kept this to themselves. Not I. I decided I'd share this laugh with my teaching partner and now I'm writing it here...what the hell is wrong with me?! The sad thing is they were a one of my favourite pairs, and when I took them this morning, I actually thought to myself that it will be a sad day when I had to part with them. I cursed my panties, and now they are gone!

That's what I deemed important today. Sad isn't it?

Oh! Do I look like a kindergarden teacher? Well I am..for the time being. Things may change, but for now I better start brushing up on those cutesy little sing-songs...

# 1 Sex Goddess Once Again!

It seems I have a lot of competition! Diva magazine's (a British Lesbian magazine if you must know) April 2006 issue lists the top 20 hottest actresses. The title of the article is apparently "We So Would." From what I have heard, since I don't own a copy, or even know where to get one, it lists the actresses which readers voted on being their number one sexual fantasy. And you can probably guess who is number one! Angelina "sex goddess supreme" Jolie. Well, those lesbians who voted have excellent taste I say! Sign me up, because I so would.

To change or not to change....that is the question!

What a day! Not that it was an extremely exciting day, but I feel like I've lived through a few days all at once, and I think come tomorrow I will have the bags under my eyes to prove it. Of course, any ordinary day in my world does tend to include something bizarre. Enter random male flasher stage left. There was a man who was flashing the highschool beside our school during the lunch hour. Apparently, he's in his early 20's. I'm wondering who's complaining? I bet it's not all those horny teenage girls! Well, unless he looks like the south end of a north bound donkey, and his hung like a toddler. I'm done. The mental picture I've created for myself should keep me up for awhile.

I've been really uneasy about some decisions I have to make in my career. It's nothing really earth-shattering, but I'm trying to look at it from all angles and really think things through. To make a long story short one of three teachers (me being one) has to move down to junior kindergarden, and Mr. Boss has left it up to us to decide/negotiate who. No one is really and truly interested. In fact, as little as a month ago, I do believe I can be quoted as saying, "I'd rather gnaw my own face off then teach kindergarden." I have nothing against the kids at all. I love that age. I've taught kindergarden in a daycare setting, so I'm not oblivious to what goes on in that pit of snot they call a classroom. It's just that I am use to (and like) my kids sitting in desks, reading, writing and all that independent stuff! Now, knock me over with a feather, because I am actually considering it and trying to weigh all the pros and cons. It is also no big surprise to anyone who knows me, that deep down I'm not a huge fan of this kind of change. On the outside I look relaxed and easy going about it, but inside I'm nervous and uneasy! I'm also trying to look at what's not only best for the kids, but best for me as well. I have the tendency to look out for friends before myself, and this is no different. I'm far from a push-over, but I want my friends to be happy too, and in this case, I know how much neither of them wants this, and how one hasn't had the same position for 2 years in a row in over 5 years, and I've been lucky to get and stay in grade 3 for 3 years! I even went into visit the JK teacher now and see the little ankle biters in action, just to see if I thought I could handle it without ripping my hair out. Blah blah blah, I guess I could ramble on and on about all the things I'm thinking about. I guess I'll have to see what happens. If none of us decides, then Mr. Boss Man will draw straws. Which is worse I wonder: stepping up and trying something new(ish) or leaving the fate of next year to a straw?

MMMMM I Want a Lick!!!

I am in love with my bodywash. It is vanilla and brown sugar, and smells like heaven. It smells so good that when I lather up I want to lick myself. I may have been so overcome that I had a small lick the other day. It smells good on other people too. I wanted to chase my friend down after using it and give her a good lick, but I do have some self control. However, if the urge comes over me, and I smell it on you, I may pin u down and have a nibble. Mmmmm yummy-scrumboes!

7 Songs eh?

So once again I have been tagged by Mackeydoodle, and once again I will play. So if you don't really care what music I'm listening to right now, then by all means take this as your cue to exit.

The rules: List seven songs you're into right now. No matter the genre, whether or not they have words, or even if they're any good, they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs, then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

1. Seether - The Gift (I am so in love with this song! Okay I am in love with Seether in general right now!)
2. NIN - The Hand that Feeds
3. Theory of a Deadman - Santa Monica
4. Marilyn Manson - The Love Song (always a Manson song in my head/heart!)
5. System of a Down - BYOB (still...not a lush k?)

Ready for the otherside of me? I tend to keep this bit hidden away....until now I guess:

6. Busta Rhymes - Touch it
7. Beyonce ft. Slim Thug - Check on it

Okay, that wasn't so bad, and I could have listed a few more, especially going along the root of the last two....so what if I like to get down with my bad self once and awhile?!
Final note: I refuse to tag people...so if you want go ahead and play, and if you don't, that okay too. I'm just that kind of girl!

I think I'm ready now....

What a weekend! I feel so rejuvenated for the end of March break! I think (emphasis on the think!) I'm ready to go back to work. The last 4 days have really lifted my spirits. Since Thursday I have been surrounded by friends and good times, and I think I really needed that distraction. My best friend in the whole entire world came to visit, and we got up to our usual shenanigans! Her son provided some serious laughs too! He is quite the child, and I only hope that one day I will be half the mother she is, and my kids will be half as amazing as him. He comes out with some really crazy stuff too. He can tell you what a gentleman does: "A gentleman opens doors for ladies, says please and thank you and tells a lady she is pretty....(here's the kicker!) because it gets you out of trouble" Smart....and true! He was asked what happens when he catches the frisbee (the correct answer was 'a victory dance'), and he replies "you bleed" because he may have sustained a small injury playing with an aerobee....ooops! My favourite has to be when he was running around the store and his mom told him if he continued he would get hurt (from bumping into something, not that she was going to beat him in the store!)...he says, "it's okay, chicks dig scars!" Not to shabby for a 4 year old. I wish her the best of luck when he is a teenager!

I was also introduced to a liquor called "Butter Shots". Evil, evil stuff! Sooo yummy. It tastes like those hard caramel candies and there is absolutely no sting to it when you swallow. We loved it so much we may have marinated some chicken in it for dinner. It actually tasted pretty good. I highly recommend it!

Sadly my poor pooch was also injured this weekend. He came to the park us and somehow managed to rip two of his nails straight out of his paw and damage a few others! He bled like a stuffed pig and we couldn't get it to stop...so we had to take him into the vet for some help. My heart breaks to see him hobble around, but at the same time, something sick in me makes me laugh at the way he hops around the house. He is also a sight for sore eyes with his bandages and the IV bag the vet insisted we wrap around the bandage when he goes out. My poor Cooper!

You know I am reading this over, and combined with the last entry or two I think I have painted myself as some sort of raging alcoholic, unless it's just that I know all the 'behind the scenes action' that occured too. It seems I spent the better part of the week with a drink in my hand, or a bottle of Advil! I would just like to say that although it appears that I am some kind of lush, I am not! I am coming off a 2 year "dry spell" and I was strongly encouraged by several people to have another (you know who you are: tst tst!) and this time I gave into peer pressure. I will go back to my clean and innocent self by tomorrow morning. Well, clean sure, innocent I'm not so sure, but you get the idea. Right?

Poor, sad Cooper with his bandage...sans IV bag...he would be just to embarrassed!

Say hello to my little friend! I'm sure that this doesn't help my argument for not being a lush, but I had help! Oh and Mel, ha ha you forgot this bottle at my house....see if you get it back! I'm kidding, I will only partake in these sweet nectars with you baby!

Blimey O'Reillys Trousers!

Another St. Patrick's Day has snuck up on me again! Okay so it hasn't really snuck up on me, and I may have been counting down the days since the beginning of March...but it's here and it's time to celebrate! I kind of jumped the gun a bit and celebrated last night. I went out and had a great time with a good friend of mine s! to watch the hockey game. We had a small bet riding on the game and as usuall I lost! So, he knows the concequences that await me! I had an awesome time, and look forward to returning his hospitality! So the party shall continue today!Even if you're not Irish, you are for today! So I beg of you that you join in my celebration: grab a beer (green beer even!), some corned beef and potato bread, or in the very least some green juice!

Here are some quick Irish blessings to keep you in good health while you party:

When Irish eyes are smiling,

Tis like a morn in spring.

With a lilt of Irish laughter

You can hear the angels sing

When Irish hearts are happy

All the world is bright and gay

When Irish eyes are smiling

Sure, they steal your heart away.

May your blessings outnumber

The shamrocks that grow,

And may trouble avoid you

Wherever you go.

and finally, and probably more appropriately:

May you be in Heaven a half hour

before the devil knows you're dead!

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Bottoms up!

Slainte!

Ouch!

You know that calm before the storm? That was at about 8:00-8:30 this evening. I had it set in my mind that it was going to be yet another quiet night in, when the phone rang. A friend from work called to say that she was in the hospital across from where I live. It seems she fell while skiing. To make matters worse their car battery had died. She called me to see if I had any jumper cables, and if I could help them out. To make a rather looooong story short, I went to boost their car, she was still waiting, and her 2 boys were bored out of their minds in the waiting room. I waited with them while she was with the doctors. I made mental notes as I sat there:

- I'll probably get sick, since the germ factory sitting across from me keeps sneezing and not covering his mouth. I nodded towards a sign that said something to the effect of if you are sick and coughing to get a face mask....take a hint please you bag of snot. This is my vacation time and if I get sick I will be less then pleased!
- Skiing is far to dangerous! I happen to live extremely close to a ski resort, but sadly I do not ski. I have tried to learn, but I am not a born skier! (that's a whole other story...believe me!)Besides, after seeing the amount of skiers come in to emergency (my friend included) from accidents on the slope, there is no way you will get me on skis again!
- The group of 15-16 year old girls that came in with their friend (skiing accident- shocking) were far to into American Idol. However, they wanted people to stay on or be voted off because of their looks. I listened to "how can he be in the bottom 3, he's hot!" and "vote the dude that looks like chicken little off" and "he's so trailer park, why would anyone vote for him, she's prettier so she should win" Nothing like voting for someone with talent there ladies!

I ended up taking the boys home so they could go to bed. It turns out my friend had actually broken her hip! It looks like she will need surgery to fix it. I guess I always associated broken hips with the older people, not younger ones, so I am pretty shocked! Anyways, I am happy to be home now and ready for my own little pajama-jammy-jam!

Steak and Sex Day

Valentine's Day is really for the ladies when you think about it. There are not many men who really give a flying finanagin about flowers or chocolates. Most will probably argue that lingerie is okay because chances are it leads to sex, and that's a good thing! A local radio station (flow) has decided that since Valentines Day is for the ladies, there should be an equivalent for the gentlemen: Steak and Sex Day, March 14. On this day, men should be given the two things they love the most: meat and sex. So I say, why not? We should appreciate the horny, meat-eating mammals that surround us! If I was a man I'd be saying, "I like my steak medium and the sex well done," but I'm not, so feel free to place your orders (uhh with your ladies of course, this gal can only do so much!).

Happy Steak and Sex Day!

and a Happy Birthday to Keri! I know you'd love that your birthday is on this soon-to-be national holiday!

The Irony of It All

I was watching this show on the discovery channel looking at the film Grizzly Man (2005). The movie looks at the life of Timothy Treadwell. He lived unarmed amongst the grizzly bears in an Alaskan national park. He ventured really close to them, talking to them and even touching them. I can admire his dedication, but at the same time I couldn't help but think that he is absolutely nuts to be that close to the biggest meat eating predator around! Often he camped for months alone at the park, so I guess one's sanity does have to come into question at some point. The clips showed him talking lovingly to the bears like they were children and he even named each bear. He would greet them by name, "hello freckles, are you fishing? What a lovely fish you have there...take care my precious!" That alone was enough to make me laugh, even though my inner good girl was telling me to shut up because this man is no longer with us. I thought he was homosexual, and at some points in the program thought he might be into beastiality too. You just never know...alone in the parks with all those bears (Im not judging, just saying. You can do as you wish if that's your thing). I'm sure the man had desires! But I was wrong. He brought his girlfriend Amie with him on one trip, their last ever trip. I can't stress the amount of time he spend on his beloved bears and the fighting he did to keep them safe from poachers and to share their beauty. He felt more at home with the bears then he did in any city. Maybe he felt like an outcast in society, and somehow he felt loved amongst the bears. I'll never know. He videotaped and recorded a lot of his adventures with these bears on his trips, and the movie is composed largely of his footage, which is incredible to say the least. Timothy Treadwell unfortunately didn't live to see the film made. On that last camping trip where he took Amie amongst the bears, he was mauled in his tent and both him and Amie were savagely attacked and eaten. Sad, but that's what I call ironic!

I find ways to amuse myself....

Maybe I need to grow up a tad more. I was in Wal-Mart when an announcement came over: "could an associate please return to the pet department for a skid removal" I was in a fit of laughter (and still am). The old lady didn't think I was very funny, or maybe she wondered what I was laughing at....I'll never know, but I'm still laughing. That's just how juvenile I can be.

I also saw this yesterday while I was out and about (not out and a-boot as some may believe we say!):

I had no idea noodles could do that! I'd pay to see it though!

WANTED

WANTED: The 4 strawberry-daiquiris that found their way into my hand last night. These SD's are sneaky. They don't look deadly, but they pack a harmful punch. They gain your trust by looking so pretty, with their vibrant red colour and their sweet smell. The strawberry garnish adds to their innocent appeal, luring you in with their succulent berriness. Their chillingly smooth taste make their poisonous nectars go down too easily. After you've been seduced by one, the others line themselves up in a provocative manner, just waiting to throw themselves at you like cheap whores. The more you allow yourself to be aroused by their temptations, the more desirable they appear to be, and thus you allow them to penetrate you further. At the end of the night they leave you feeling like some deep inner part of you has been violated by the most vicious of vixens, who penetrate you and then abandon you for their next casualty.

You wake up without the understanding of how you were so easily enticed by this berry goddess and her clique of harlots, and then left to wonder if you will ever be the same. Their venomous juices stale on your tongue, and their toxins still infiltrating your body, you will feel their effects for hours to come.

If you see the illusive strawberry-daiquiri lurking around your hand, be cautious for you have been warned. It is better to strike against these delectable delights in pairs. I am experienced in their ability to influence the innocent. Your best bet is to take me along with you so you don't have to be victimized alone.

TGIF

Never have I appreciated a Friday like I have today! I think I slept thru Thursday and spent the better part of the morning lazing around in my pj's. I know I was coherent for survivor last night, and I saw the beginning of CSI, but after that it got kinda foggy...so anyone who knows how CSI ended...I'd love to know. The week went by in a blur, but thankfully it seemed to go by quickly. I'm looking forward to the next 10 days or so where I can do whatever the hell I feel like, and not feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I realize that sounds dramatic :P One friend has decided to have us over for a fondue party (are we the only people who still do the fondue thing?). She does one hell of a cheese fondue too, which is extra nice with a glass of wine! It's a nice way to start the break, but the real reason we are going though is to suss up her new man. Some of us have met him and others not....and I'm sure he's been warned that we have the tendency to get quite rowdy...not to mention crass. If he doesn't run for the hills after we tell him allllll about the real J then we'll know he is a keeper ;).
So here's to the weekend: relaxation, friends, and fondue! Cheers!

Wiener Water

I have a stomach of steele. I can handle anything...except wiener water. You know if someone boils wieners and the water gets that greasy look/smell...well gag me! I cannot stand it. I would rather chew my own face off then see or smell wiener water, and today my worst nightmare came true. It was hot dog day at school. Disgusting! What a horrid idea to offer kids lips and assholes on a bun. Yeh, I know we do it to raise money for charity, but I'd be willing to head up something else, to eliminate these days from the school calendar. What makes it worse is that they start boiling them right in the morning and the smell wafts down to my class. Picture the size and quantity of pots they need to boil them, and the subsequent volume of wiener water that is lurking around the premises. I wonder why they don't just bbq them if they are going to insist on offering hot dogs. I also made the mistake of mentioning my queasiness with even the thought of wiener water. Now it seems to be tradition to have someone slip a glass of wiener water on my desk, or offer me one casually at lunch and then laugh as I gag and turn a lovely shade of green. Unfortunately, I thought it would help me to acknowledge and write about my hate on for wiener water, but it turns out I've just grossed myself out. Yup, wiener water is my kryptonite. I'm going to vomit now.

2 more sleeps

I need ideas. Some serious kickass ideas. March break starts in 2 more sleeps and as of right now I have nothing! Come 3:30 on Thursday, I am packing my stuff up and leaving...although this year I vow NOT to forget my purse and have to beg the custodian to meet me back at the school. Of course, I should be using this time to mark and evaluate and get started on those damn report cards, but common now, I clearly have until the end of the month and I work way better under pressure. Too many people are doing exciting things. Friends are jetting off to islands, or going on ski trips. One friend is also getting married and going on her honeymoon. So far, all I have is reading on my list and maybe a trip to go shopping a la outlet malls with my cousin if her college teachers are still on strike. Maybe if I'm really lucky I will get to hang the "window treatments" (that phrase pisses me off more then any of you will ever know) that I finally bought so the pervert next door will stop peering in at me. Who's jealous now? Yeh thought so. Any fancy ideas anyone?


P.S. Incase anyone cares the NIN concert: effin amazing...and I made it to work, now if I could just get rid of the ringing in my ears.....