Oh. My. Goodness.
We finally got the dumping of snow we were waiting all winter for. Except that it was a few months late. Hello mother nature..it's April. The END of April!!

Funny though, where I work (30 min south of here) it was just rain/wet snow...so I was somewhat shocked at how much and how fast it was coming down at home. We easily got 25cm of snow. Mason was so excited! We had snow in the winter, but it was never really great snowman building snow. We never really got to go tobogganing either.
We got home, pulled on his snowsuits and boots and went outside. He build snowmen/mice, slid down the climber into the snow, rolled around, etc. He was outside for an hour and a half! I came in after an hour to make dinner  but he stayed in the back while I watched from the window. I was grinning ear to ear. He was having a blast. My heart was sad that he doesn't have a brother or sister out there with him though. He didn't seem to mind though. Mr. Sass got stuck in the driveway and had to dig himself out before he could park. I apparently jinxed things because for once he was "on the ball" and put his summer tires on and put the snow blower away (which we did not need this year!! Hello global warming?). I was shocked and said something to the effect of "you know because you did this, we will got a huge dumping of snow still right?"  I was right. HA!

Here are a couple of pictures:

Let's hope that is all from Mother Nature. Snow in April is not okay. Especially since we had 2 weeks in March where we were shorts!!

Thanks for the photo opt Mother Nature...but bring on the sunshine and warmth!

And from the ashes, I emerge.
We've been doing okay around here. It has been tough some days and others seem to be easier. I think the fact that we've been so busy helps.
So where are we now? In all the events before the passing of my father in law, we found another house we loved. Just what we should be doing when we had so much going on right? Exactly. So we put an offer in, got it, and put our house up for sale. OMG. What the hell were we thinking? In some ways it was easier because we were just never home with being at the hospital all the time so making sure it stayed clean was easier. It was also easier to have people come through when we didn't have to remove the dog for showings. A thought that still makes me sad, but it was much easier. We SOLD our house and are moving down the street in June!! We currently live at #55 and are moving to #8! The joke is that we could probably fill Mason's wagon, cross the street and push it down...and because of the hill we are on, it would land on our new neighbours lawn! I'm sure they will love that! We love our neighbourhood and I really didn't want to leave it. We got what we wanted so we're both thrilled...and Mason is beyond excited to move to this house. I think it's because one of the bedrooms is yellow and he has claimed it as his own (yellow would be his favourite colour). I guess I won't be painting it as I had planned....

My niece Alison is doing pretty good. She has been taking her chemo treatments so well. She is such a trooper and such a sweetheart. It just amazes me how strong she is. I may not understand why God would have this happen to her but I must put my trust in Him that all will be okay and that there is a bigger reason for this. Just as there must be a reason for why my father in law was taken away so quickly. Alison's hair is pretty much falling out in clumps so they cut it really short as the last of it falls out. She is still a gorgeous girl...with her crooked smile and puffy cheeks! We love you Ali Cat! 

Speaking of nieces. I am an aunt again! But this time Auntie Sassy has a nephew! This is my sister in law who was hoping and praying that her dad would hold on long enough to hold his newest grandbaby. She had the same thing happen to her as me, where she didn't want to know the sex, but the doctor slipped and told her anyway. Things happen for a reason I guess (although I'm still wondering what that was for me! ha!) because as my father in law was slipping from us, she was able to tell him that it would be a boy and his name is Braidyn Abram Geoffry. When he finally passed, Jonelle told the baby's father that he would have a son and they decided on the name spelling while we were sitting at the funeral home! They wanted his name included in the obituary and on some flowers all the grandkids were "giving".

Soo Braidyn joined us on April 11 weighing 9lbs 5oz. His first week of life is worth a blog post in itself..or rather his parents are worth a blog post, but I'll save that for another day. Here he is:

I would like to add that at birth, he weighed as much as my dear friend Keri's wee girl who is over 2 months old!! Look at those chubby cheeks!! Love him.

Here are my 2 nieces and my new nephew (2 days old)! This was the day before they cut Alison's hair super short. She was patchy at best and apparently people tell me that when you loose your hair because of cancer, it is quite painful! I'm a proud auntie!

I can't just post pictures of my nieces and nephew and not post a picture of Mason. This is from a fun photoshoot my neighbour and I did in March when we had fantastic weather.Who knew we could be in a creek in March (In Canada folks!) and be soaked and be okay?! We had so much fun! We did these pictures for a father's day project we are working on...I just hope the hubs doesn't look at the blog before then...if he does: surprise babe!! hehe!

Walk the plank matey!

I'll leave you with that :)

Kisses.

It is with a heavy heart that I write this.
My beloved father in law Walter passed away this morning after a short but courageous battle with Cancer. He passed at home with family around him. It was very peaceful.
We are devestated. There are no words.
We take comfort in his words before his death. Yesterday before each grandchild left they gave papa a hug, and each time he responded by opening eyes, and/or trying to hug back. That was the only real interaction he made yesterday. My oldest niece needed that. She knows "Opa" said goodbye to her.
We are surrounded by so many friends and family. We are truly blessed by this. We take comfort and find strength in the outpouring of love and support.

Rest in peace Walter. We love you. You are an inspiration.

"If God leads you to it, He'll lead you through it. He'll either lighten your load or strengthen your back."

A quote that has often given me comfort and strength. Ain't it the truth though. Where is this strength coming from? Where does our will to keep going come from? How do I..we...make it through each day? I have, and have witnessed such strength in the family around me lately, that it's empowering. It helps fuel us to go on.

Things have gotten so bad with my father in law. My heart is broken. My eyes have cried so many tears...fought back so many tears trying to keep it together for the people around me. But the truth is, I'm watching a man I love slip away from us with every second. I'm going to loose my father. Again. I'm not even sure where I left off, but he has gone downhill so fast. They started the chemo and he continued his stay in the hospital for a little bit. There was talk of him coming home, but then he got worse and the talk was to move him to palliative care. He refused. Said he wanted to go home and lay beside his wife.
He was moved home and home care was set up.
Amazing nurses and personal support workers. Angels sent from God. Made things happen as they learned what my family is dealing with, specifically my mother in law. She is alone except for us kids to help and with my niece (her granddaughter) having leukemia, it drastically cuts down who can help...we must divide our time and resources to support each family as they need it. My brother and sister in law came in from Alberta and then left 10 days later as he was about to be discharged to go home with his chemo pack. At home my father in law had good moments and bad...and slowly they turned to more bad then good. A nurse called with an immediate notice to take him off chemo. No explanation.
I think it was that point that an already speedy process snowballed. They took away his hope. Gone.
He can no longer walk, eat, talk. He was violently ill after the chemo was taken. He can't go to the bathroom himself, can't eat or drink himself. In less then 2 days he went from being up at the table, sharing a laugh, eating soup/juice to being in bed, unable to talk or even open his eyes much. He grunts and is aware we are there, but is mostly sleeping. We talk to him, read to him, pray for him, but after the doctor came on Sunday, he said it will be about 3-5 days before we loose him. We called my brother and sister in law back home. Come now.  They are back in Ontario now, his sister is here and my mother in law's parents are arriving tomorrow. I've watched a strong active man be beaten down by cancer. Within 3 weeks we've journeyed into the depths of hell.
The last thing he has said to me was "Lisa, don't loose hope. I love you." I'm trying Dad. I'm trying.
To watch my husband sponge water into his mouth and wipe his face like a baby breaks my heart. So gentle, like he was when Mason was a baby. He's loosing his father, and I can't prepare him for how horrific this is going to be. I watched him become more alert and move when Mason climbed up to give him a hug and say I love you. I know he heard him. My son isn't going to have his Papa much longer.
My mother in law has asked that I go with her tomorrow to begin to make arrangements. It's the only time she will leave his side and I pray to God he doesn't leave us then.
I have to say that the countless emails, messages, texts, calls etc are what is helping me (us) get through this. Tonight, good friends popped by with dinner. It's the little things that mean so much. To know we are supported. To know that when I finally fall someone will be there to catch me. To catch US.
My heart is broken.
I hate you Cancer. I fucking hate you.

Where to start - Part 2.

Here I go again.

Where to start?

What the hell is going on in 2012? So far the only good (GREAT) thing is my bestie K having a second baby girl. So precious, so sweet. Love you Addy girl and big sis Ains too!!

So let's see, they say bad things happen in 3. I really hope in this case this is true, because then I'm done.

First, my darling 2.5 yr old niece Alison was diagnosed with leukemia. She had been sick for weeks. Her parents took her to the doctor several times and the ER several times. They were told she had the flu, strep, bronchitis, etc etc etc. She just never got better. She always seemed to have a fever and was this horrible grey colour. Her mom brought her to the ER once again telling them that something was wrong and they had to help her. They did some kidney tests and sent them home. No answers. She couldn't kick the gut feeling it was something serious and packed her up and took her down to Sick Kids in Toronto. They admitted her instantly and broke the news to them soon after. Her big sister stayed with us while Alison was in the hospital. She's such a trooper. She's doing chemo and at home now. They are doing some more tests tomorrow to see how she is responding, but the prognosis is good. I can't begin to imagine what this is like as a parent. I'm having a hard enough time as her aunt. It's just not fair that such a little person would have to endure this. Let me say this though, what an amazing place Sick Kids is. I was moved to tears several times just standing in awe at all that goes on there. All the kids. All the staff. All the hope. The miracles that happen everyday. We are truly blessed to have such a wonderful hospital in our reach.

Alison after her first Chemo treatment. Her cheeks are already puffed out. Still smiling though!

We continue to pray and be thankful to all those who keep Alison in their prayers.

As we focused our attention on Alison, we noticed our beloved dog Cooper was showing some odd behaviours. He just wasn't himself. One of the major things was that when we gave him a bath we noticed that his skin had this odd looking rash on it, almost like his skin was falling off. We took him to the vet ASAP and to make a long story short, it wasn't good news. I figure when the vet tells you to take him home and make it a good weekend while we wait for test results, that she's thinking she already knows what is going on. When the results came in, she was right. He had cushings disease. His poor little body was shutting down. He had lost close to 20lbs, but had a swollen belly. His liver was shutting down as was his thyroid. The skin was a sign his whole immune system was shutting down, and it was painful. We had to make the (very) hard decision to say goodbye to Cooper. Oh. My. God. So hard. I didn't think I'd cry so much. I had never had to put an animal to sleep before and was scared. He left this world with our voices and his head in my hands. His sweet eyes haunt my dreams. Our house is empty. My floors are full of crumbs. My heart is broken.

Mason doesn't really understand. We had him say goodbye and give him a hug, but told him he was very sick and had to stay at the vets. We left it a day and then said that the vets weren't able to make him better and he died, and went up to heaven. Mason's immediate response? "Let's get a cat!" Haha!! It has taken a lot of retelling him, talking about etc. He'll talk often of Cooper. One day coming in the house, he poked his head in the bathroom and said "still no Cooper mommy." Broke my heart. he decided to rename one of his lovies "Cooper" so we still have a Cooper in the house. It certainly is very empty without him around.

Cooper November 11 2002 - February 9 2012

It was a Thursday that we said our final goodbye to Cooper. The next morning I get a call from my mother in law. My father in law has tumors on his esophogus and liver. Malignant and inoperable. The time from there to here is a blur. Further tests revealed he has very aggressive cancer. The primary site is the esophogus and stomach. It spread to his liver...and within the last week it has spread to his lungs. He was told he has about 2 weeks to 1 year to live. He has gone downhill so fast. He has aged in the last week alone. At first he was at home. He was unable to eat because a tumor was pushing his esophogus closed. They put in a stint to open that up and has been in the hospital ever since. He is able to eat pureed foods, but has no real appetite. He is yellow. His liver isn't functioning properly...at about 30%. They drained 4L of fluid from him this past weekend. He started chemo on Friday and is hoping to come home with his Chemo pump (chemo 24/7) by Tuesday. It's devistating. He is remaining positive often saying "this isn't a train wreck..this is a miracle train!" His emotions are all over the place. I can't stand to see a grown man cry. It breaks my heart to think we just may loose this wonderful man well before we ever thought we would. He's 59.

Dad and Dustin (my youngest bro in law) at a Calgary Flames hockey game..in better times.

So our family has been dealing with a lot lately. We are ready for good news. Ready and waiting. We are thankful for all the love and support that people have shown us. Friends have rallied around us. Phone calls, visits, emails, texts. Love. Lots and lots of love. Support. Prayers. Prayers and well wishes pour in. Yes, we are blessed. We will make it through this. Together. With love surrounding us. We have no choice. My goal is to remain positive and hopeful.

"Once you choose hope, anything is possible."  Christopher Reeve

Where to start?

Thank you Nicole. I saw your comment checking up and thought I'd better get my ass into gear. It's been too long. Partly due to my computer issues, but those of you on Facebook know it didn't really stop me from logging on there..so it seems a lousy excuse.

So here goes.

Where to start?

October? A lot has happened since October. Heck, a lot has happened in the last week.

Dec. 14, 2001 - My "baby" turned 4. Can you fricken believe it?!? We had a kids party on the Saturday before. We rented a party room and went wild. It was fun. Spoiled rotton. On the Sunday we had the family party. Party party party. We had an awesome Christmas too. Here's a picture:

Mason is doing great in school. I'm a happy momma.

December 12 was the 6th year anniversary of starting this blog. Wow. A lot of shit has spewed from my mouth in 6 years. A lot has changed. A lot has happened. Perhaps it's worth a review. Perhaps. Ease yourself into this Sassy. One blog post at a time.

Truth is, I could easily fill pages and pages..and post picture after picture..but my heart is heavy. I promise to post soon. I need time to deal with this before I post about it.

xoxo



I wish you saw, or even appreciated, everything I do instead of only seeing what is not done.

You can take the girl outta the trailer...

I met one of my parents (of a student) the other day. Sometimes when you finally meet a parent, the picture becomes a whole lot clearer.
Within 30 seconds of meeting her she asks me "have you ever had a Brazilian wax?" Before I could find a smart ass comment (like perhaps, "no but if you need me to recommend someone to wax you upper lip I'd be happy to do so") she spins into a tail of the first time she was waxed. I'll spare the details and the actions that went with it. She then tells me that she vowed never to do it again. Soo she decided to Nair her kitty. Only problem Is that it didn't grow back properly and now she was a toonie (that's a 2 dollar coin my American chums!) sized bald spot right in the middle.
Gets better.
She tells me that she now grows her pubies nice and long so she can do a comb- over.
Brilliant.
I've known this woman for less then 5 minutes and I have a mental image of her crotch I can't shake.
THIS is why I went to teachers college.

Testes

Testes testes... Testes one two three...

And so it starts!!

"I can do it Mommy, I'm a Kindergarten boy!"

Yes you are darling! Mason started junior kindergarten on Monday. We previously had a short meeting with his teacher but Monday was the first day he actually went to class. He was very excited. I was worried that he'd cry like he did when he started preschool.

Mason is coming to my school. There were several reasons for this decision. One, Mason is still only 3. He is not 4 until December, so that puts him as one of the youngest kids in the class. Some of his JK friends will be almost a full year older. In our neighbourhood, to send him to Catholic school, I'd have to put him on a bus across town and there is something about putting a 3 year old on a bus that wasn't sitting well with me. Also, his fabulous babysitter is down the street from my school, and I'd like him to stay with her. Now the honest top-of-the-list reasons? I know his teacher. I know she is fabulous and he's getting a fabulous kindergarten program and a great start to school. I can walk down and spy and peek in and have a little more control then if he was at a different school. He's still my baby. The plan is to put him in his home school for grade 1 so he doesn't have mommy and all her friends checking in on him and telling me everything he does..even the naughty bits. We both need space right?

The first day was pretty good. He came to my class before school and "helped" me get ready. At about 10 min to the bell we walked outside. He put his backpack in the line and played in the yard. Everything was great until the bell rang. When the kids lined up he put his backpack on and started in...but stopped when he realized that moms and dads were not going in! He slipped out of his backpack and tossed it at me and said something to the effect of "no mommy. I'm not going." We had a little discussion and he was handed off somewhat reluctantly to Mrs. Hruby. There were a few tears welling up in his eyes but he went in. I'm not going to pretend for one minute that I wasn't on the verge of crying. I had tears in my eyes. My baby was going to school. He wasn't sure about it. I had to get to my class so I trusted he was in good hands and turned around.
What did I see?
The best friends/co-workers a girl could ask for. Quite a few had come out to see Mason head off to school for the first time. All ready to give me a hug and tell me he was going to be fine :) Margherita had hugs and a "welcome to the club" comment..and handed me a tissue. All morning I was getting calls to tell me that they looked in and Mason was happy, playing, participating, etc. I was so thankful for their love. I didn't want to go down there in case it wasn't going well...that would have made it worse. As it was I tried to sneak a peek at recess and out came Diane with a thumbs up. Her and Mason are buddies. I got to peek in and see him eating snack. He looked like such a big boy! He even survived gym class and was the last person to get tagged in a game. He's a quick little bugger. His teacher gave me a lovely report of his day and he got a certificate for completing his first day. My mom and aunt came for a celebratory dinner that night. Today went even better! I know I made the right decision in sending him to my school...and as long as he's happy, mommy is happy!!

Here are a couple pictures:

Ready to get going!

Outside the house..with his backpack! So cute!

With his backpack (side note: apparently I need to tackle the grass...)

Realizing that he has to go in by himself..and having second thoughts (that's one of my co-workers/friend's daughter in the picture). What a little look on his face eh?!

I'm so proud of you Mason. I hope you have a great year, make lots of friends, learn a lot and have many happy memories of your first school year!

10 Years Ago

Its one of those things that you'll never forget where you were or what you were doing. I was living with Kelley and Maria and we were in our 4th year of university. It was a day that Kelley and I were home and lounging around in our jammies. Maria had an early class. Kelley was waiting for a new mattress to be delivered. I was laying in bed reading when she slinked into bed with me (get your minds out of the gutter). We started talking and then her mom called. Hearing only half the conversation I knew it was serious. The TV went on. Kelley and I watching in horror. Tears. Disbelief. Horror.
The images are etched in my mind forever. Many images flash through my mind. I remember watching people jump from the building. It was that bad that they chose to jump.
Families broken forever.
The University was at a standstill. People gathered around the tvs. Staring. Hugging. More tears.
10 years later I can imagine the pain is still fresh for those directly impacted.
It's still hard to understand, to wrap my mind around it.
10 years.
Never Forgotten.
I pray for peace.

23

23. Ever wonder about a number?
* At the moment of his assassination, Caesar was stabbed 23 times.

* The circulation of the blood through all the human body takes 23 seconds.
* The average human physical biorhythm is 23 days.
* The ovule and the sperm are both composed  of 23 chromosomes.
* Charles Darwin's Origin of Species was published in 1859 - 1+8+5+9 = 23.
* The Hiroshima bomb was dropped at 8.15am - 8+15= 23.

* The terrorist attacks on America on 11 of September 2001 have been held up as one of the most portentous examples of the disturbing power of 23. The figures in the date (9+11+2+0+0+1) add up to 23.
* Kurt Cobain, the god of grunge, was born in 1967 and died in 1994 - 1+9+6+7= 23, 1+9+9+4 = 23.

* W is the 23rd letter in the alphabet. It has 2 points down and three points up and is located on your keyboard below the 2 and 3.

* Dr Pepper now boasts being an "authentic blend of 23 flavors"
* Michael Jordan's jersey number: 23.
* One of the most famous Psalms in the Bible: Psalm 23: The Lord is my Shepherd.

23.
That's how many years ago I lost my father.
23 years missing him.
23 years without having him here with us.
23 years not hearing his voice.
23 years not being able to hug and kiss him.
23 years of memories that don't include him.
23 years cherishing the time I did have.
23 years of savouring the memories I have.
23.

It still hurts.
I love you dad. Always. Forever.

Okay..I can't just end on such a negative note. I'm still irritated, but a warm cup of tea and looking at some pics made me feel much better.
Want to see what I was looking at?

And this:

And this:

How do you not smile looking at this? It was from a Saturday trip via train to a Farmer's Market.

I just love these two sooo much. I thank God everyday for the friendships I have. What is even more amazing is that these two are such good buddies already. I couldn't have asked for a better friend for my son...and it doesn't hurt that her momma is one of my best friends in the whole world! These two just keep us laughing. I also love that everywhere we go, they think they are twins and we are same sex mommies.

I'm going to bed..with a smile on my face.

(P.S. K - I hope it's okay that I posted these!)

Sometimes you just need to rant and get a few things off your chest.
Today is one of them.
I'm just annoyed. Perhaps it's because I'm tired. Perhaps it's just nerves or anxiousness about tomorrow. I don't know. It is what it is.
Let the rambling begin...

I have not once said anything negative about the floor still being unfinished. I do not pester or nag. It is not me. I know you work a full time job and I have kept us pretty busy throughout the summer weekends. Does it bother me? Yes. It's hard to live in a house that has no "put together" room on the main floor. A house where nothing seems to be in it's place. I cope. I have 100% faith in your ability and I know it will get done. YOU said last night to friends that you planned to finish it today. This was (pleasant) news to me, but I said nothing. Yet today when I asked if I could turn the air conditioning off (it's bloody cool here today!) to open some windows you said you wanted to finish the floor first. The humidity that we've had was not good for the sitting wood therefore it has been on constantly. I said that was fine. No big deal. Plenty of time coming to have windows open. What met me was a grumpy being who was bitter about having to work on his day off. Throwing wood around. Grumbling. Complaining. I make a nice brunch and you say you have no time to eat because you have work to do. Bite me. I didn't ask you to.
Let me tell you this: I'm done keeping my mouth shut.
You treat me like shit when you are doing things around the house. What you have never noticed? You nit pick and mutter all day long. Taking jabs at me. Worse, you take jabs at me through conversation with our son. How bad do you want me to feel? I hate it. I feel horrible. You make me feel an inch tall. That's not the way a husband is suppose to make a wife feel.
You act just like Rocco. You don't like the way he makes you feel at work. You come home irritated and upset. I listen to you rant and rave. I am your support. I support you and try to help. I don't want you to feel this way. It hurts you. It stresses you out. It makes you mad. You have suffered physical ramifications because of the stress it causes you. Yet you turn around and treat me the same way.
How is that fair?
Do you not see what you are doing?
What about the golden rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?"
I just wish I had the courage to say something to you. To make you see what you are doing to me. I'm sorry I don't. I just sit and take it.
And this? The tip of the iceberg.

I wonder if I'll have the courage to press "Publish"...

It's that time of year again!

It's time to go back to school. One last long weekend and then it's back to reality on Tuesday.
19 little sets of eyes ( some with tears) will be looking at me, wondering what grade one is going to be all about. I've spent countless hours preparing the classroom to what I hope is an inviting, enriching space for learning and even a little fun.
The summer is a great time to reevaluate the previous year. It's successes, it's failures, how I handled situations, the opportunities I offered, the opportunities I received. In June I was tired. Drained. Ready to send the wee ones off to grade 2. Ready for time at home with my own son. The summer gives me time to recoup. Time to find myself again. Find the teacher I want to be. Give me hope for a new year. I've been filled up again. I'm ready for another year. Another set of challenges, another set of triumphs. A fresh start.
Just like the students (and their parents) who come to me on Tuesday, I have hopes for this year:

That I can give each student the attention they need.
That I can bring out the best in each student (and minimize the worst! haha)
That I can make learning fun.
That my patience is bountiful.
That each student feels like they are valued, cared for and appreciated.
That both students and myself discover new things about ourselves.
That we take risks.
That we create sense of community in our classroom.
That we laugh everyday.
That I can let the little things go.
To seize the moment!

I also hope:
That parents are supportive and understanding.
That I don't unexpectedly run out of lysol wipes or hand sanitizer.
That I don't have so many cases of head lice this year (that shit makes my skin crawl).
That there aren't too many consecutive days of indoor recess (that shit makes my skin crawl).
That we don't have a frigid cold winter where I'm out on yard duty in -25*C weather too often. I may live in Canada, but I don't think I was made for this weather.
That our new principal is as easy going and cool as she appears to be so far....

Here's to a new year!

If there's a skeeter on yer peter, whack it off!

I just watched a segment on tv (discovery channel) where they were doing some sex research.
Some chick was strapped into an MRI machine. All hooked up to a zillion wires and a few doctors watching. Her goal? Self-simulate to orgasm.
While. everyone. watches.
It took her almost 11 minutes for the record.

THEN they show another clit...erm...clip of a woman having an internal ultrasound. Legs in stirrups. No big deal. Then they call in her partner and have him have sex with her..right there in the stirrups while they do an ultrasound and watch. Asking her to tell them when she is going to cum. They are watching the footage right beside them on the screen, 2 feet away! Insanity.
I'm impressed that they were able to achieve the objective so to speak.
I wonder what they got paid..if anything.

I'm wondering why I went into teaching...

You honestly read this shit?
Read this: WOW. Smile :) WOW.

I'm not there yet...

I'm going to be an aunt again.
Lovely news right?
Hmmm.
Not if you have infertility issues and everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant. It's not just anyone..it's people who you know aren't in the right frame of mind, relationship, financial situation, maturity level, etc, etc. Not too judgemental eh? I can't help the feelings I have. When a friend tells me she is expecting, I am genuinely happy. Thrilled. Yes, a part of me is sad because it's not me. Perhaps there is a certain amount of jealousy, but the overwhelming feeling is joy for my friends. This time? I'm not there yet.
Sister in law has been in this relationship less then 3 months. Suddenly she is engaged and pregnant..7 weeks. Do the math.
They don't have a place to live. They don't have stable jobs. They are immature. I could go on and you will leave this blog thinking how much of a bitch I am. I can't help it. I pray that this will help her grow up. I pray this is the relationship that will last. I pray for the health of this baby. I pray that I will find peace and be happy for her. I pray these feelings of sadness will leave me and I can come to celebrate this news like I celebrate the news of friends. When it comes down to it, I already love the baby. It's not his/her fault. I know I'll love him/her like I love my nieces. I know I will support her and be there for her.
I know I can be a better person and not have these horrible thoughts, but I'm not there yet.
It's just not fair.

What do I do?

If it were so simple

Mason and I were driving to meet some friends this afternoon when out of the blue he started this conversation. I think it will be etched in my mind for awhile. So innocent:

Mason: You know you're mom? and her house?
Me: Yes
Mason: But who is your daddy? Where does he live?
Me: Remember? My daddy is your papa. You have 2 papas, but this papa lives in Heaven with Jesus sweetie.
Mason: Why?
Me: Well, your papa died when I was a little girl and that's when he went to live in heaven....

Mason is quiet for a moment. We've had this conversation before but apparently he's had some time to think about things.

Mason: But why don't I see him? Why doesn't he come see you?
Me: He lives in heaven honey. We can't see him, but he can see us. He watches over us.
Mason: Why doesn't he want to see me?
Me: Oh Mason, he can see you and he loves you very much. You know like your song "God is watching..." It's like that. God is watching and papa is with Him.
Mason: Where is heaven? Can we go see your daddy?
Me: We can't go to heaven yet honey...not for a long time (unless of course I drive off the 400 because I'm fighting tears).
Mason: But where is it?
Me: (ummm..how do I explain this one?!) Umm..in the sky.
Mason: In the clouds?
Me: Yes, kind of.
Mason: Ohhh!! Then maybe we can ask Julian's daddy to take us in his plane to see your daddy!! Then you can see him again and you'll be happy.
Me: (laughing and crying at the same time and trying not to let him see the tears), That's a good idea honey, but your papa is an angel. If we were up in the sky, we really wouldn't see him.
Mason: Like Christine's dog (our neighbour)...my papa is a dog?
Me: Nooo honey. He was just like you and me, but when you go to heaven...it's just...erm...your soul..
My mind starts wandering... Crap...how did I get into this one? How do I explain so he understands? He's probably too young to understand and I'm warping him and messing up..and now he'll think all people die and turn to little yappy white dogs before they go to heaven...Hmmm...maybe I should rent All Dogs go to Heaven and complicate the matter further?!

Mason: Mommy?
Me: Yes?
Mason: When I close my eyes I see your daddy in the sky.
Me: I do to sweetie. That's how I know he's here watching us.

Conversation ended. I didn't bother to ask if my dad looks like a bichon frise or not.

Thank you

I spent the most amazing Saturday.
Do you know what it's like to have your stomach in your throat..and a perma smile? That's it.
Thanks for the awesome day and making me feel like that. I haven't had that much fun in awhile..which could be quite sad when you think about it.
My whole family thanks you!