Thanks for all the anniversary wishes! We had a great weekend...and I maaaay be walking a little funny. It could be from horseback riding, then again maybe it's not. Thanks to Sage for sending some of his girls around too. I've managed to check out some really new and awesome blogs as a result!

So because I feel like there is a lack of anything interesting to write about, I'm going to ask for your help. I'm entering Mason in a contest and I need to send in his picture. I need one that shows some character/personality. Yup. I'm one of those moms. Actually, I'm kinda being brow beatin' into submitting him, but I have rubber arms. So if you could let me know which picture you like the best, it would be much appreciate. And if he loses, I'll blame y'all. Kidding.


Number 1: A little off center. He moved, but I love the smile. It's him in a nutshell. Goofy.

Number 2: You can't really see too much of him, but for some reason I love this picture :)


Number 3: A little man...with the beginning of some jazz hands??

Number 4: Little GQ. Sure, he's not smiling, it's one of the few moments he isn't....
Probably a little to serious for a baby contest eh?


Number 5: See? He's smiling a few seconds later!

Happy Anniversary to meeeee.....

5 years tomorrow!

Five years, many ups and downs (and not all of them in bed), a move, a dog and finally a baby. Not too shabby.
Here's to many more (years and babies).
Slainte!

Hippy's Pumpkin....

Here she is, so plump so round,
The perttiest pumpkin you've ever found.
Look at the girth of this lil' lass,
I'm sure 40" she'll surpass.
A pumpkin of such stature, needs a name,
So says Hippychic's little game.

I say name this lass "Mighty Mabel"
Until she ends up on your table.
She'll be the cutest pumpkin under the sky,
until she makes the sweetest pie ;-)

Is pecan really pronounced "peek-anne" or "peek-on"???

I absolutely can't stand when people say peek-on. It sounds so snobby. So much so that when I was waitressing and someone would order a slice of "peek-on" pie, I'd say "I'm sorry we don't have any, but if you'd like I can bring you out some 'peek-anne' pie?"

Perhaps I'm wrong, but it bothers me just the same, and I refuse to even consider saying it the other way.

Cottage boy

We had an awesome time at the cottage. If you've never been to northern Ontario...then you are missing out! It's so beautiful!
The weather was great. We hung out on the beach and the dock...not to mention the hammock. It was the life. I feel so rejuvenated!
Here's a pic or two until I can muster up something else to post! I'll need your help with something a bit later though...

Mason hanging out on the dock one evening. It's a little overcast at this point, but he was all smiles anyway!

The only bear we did see. He's lucky we didn't see a real one since this was taken the day after he decided to have a 5am party in his crib.

My little beach bum.

I'm going to the cottage bitches.

Be back in a bit.

We teach them early here...

Why do I spend so much money on expensive toys when he was amused ALL night with this?

Wrong end baby :)

Happy Canada Day eh!

Dear Keeners,
Who's doing the Timmy's run? I already ran and got the mickey and the 2-4. Now I'm waiting here on my chesterfield with the serviettes so we don't slop the poutine. What's taking so long eh? We're supposed to get right pissed, then a little shinny. Skins vs. toques.
Take of eh, you bunch of hosers.


....Canada Day. I didn't have plans. It sucks that it's in the middle of the week (although it doesn't make a lick of difference to me since I'm off work anyway) and most people had to work yesterday to have today off. Oh well. We had some family over for our annual "Loser Bbq" for all those without plans. The weather was perfect! We practically ate all day..but good food. We had shrimp and mushrooms on the bbq, sweet potatoes, asparagus...Mmmmm so good. I even made a special not-good-for-your-ass-at-all cake and decorated it in honour of Canada's 141st birthday:I don't know what made me think I could make a Maple leaf out of strawberries when I can't even draw one with a pencil....

Mason got in the spirit too:

Don't worry..he's comfortable with his sexuality so the pink is okay.

Already wants the beer! Although if he's raised right, it will be Guinness or Stella for him. He could of at least reached for the Canadian though! Geesh!

Happy Canada Day!

It's funny. Today is the last day of school and I feel kind of left out. I miss the excitement of the last day and all the build up to that moment when you can kick those kids out the door..I mean..see them off safely to the beginning of their summer holidays. I've been excited all day even though I'm not there and really have no part of it. I remember as a kid how pumped up we were, but I think teachers are waaaay more excited for the break! At least tonight I'll go to the year end staff social. I'll be fresh as a daisy and they will all be tired and sweaty. I can take comfort in that.

Here's to summer!

Side note....My mom saw my singed hair and laughed her ass off. So much for it not being that noticeable. Mr. Sass says I have feelers. God I feel sexy.

Dumb Ass things I did as an adult...

I know better.
I lecture others on their ways of lighting bbqs. My mom for one turns the propane on and leaves it to get a match. Then she stands back and throws the match so she can see the big flame erupt.
Well...last night I went out to start the bbq and turned the propane on and tried to light it with the automatic lighter. Nothing happened. Usually I can hear the propane but I couldn't this time (it was raining at the time so no wonder I couldn't hear it). I turned the dial off to let the fumes clear and then went to try again. Clearly I didn't let them clear long enough. I kind of bend down, not directly over the bbq thank God, to see if I could hear anything while turning the knob.

Yup.

The flame caught and blew up in my face. I singed my eyebrows and a few of the hairs in the front are now short and singed. Luckily my hair was pulled back. It scared the ever-loving crap outta me. Thank goodness it's not bad and I don't look like a startled ear-wig or anything.
I'm just mad at myself for being soooo stupid.

*sigh*

I'm not bbqing tonight. It's a man's domain anyway. Even if I do do it better.

My computer is fucked up.
Again.

Same problem as last time, except this time, nothing that worked last time will work again. I'm royally pissed off.
I may have to bite the bullet and have someone look at it.
Either that or throw it out the window and then whore myself to buy a new one.

Ten dolla sucky sucky? =P

You know it's going downhill when all you can come with to write about is condiments.
I could comment on how I had to flip my heat on today and it's damn near the end of June. WTF is that all about? Last week I'm toasting myself and this week I have perma nippleitis.

I've been waiting for a book that I pre-ordered online to come. The next one in this series:


...but I got an email saying there is some delay and they hope to have it shipped out by Monday. Why did I pre-order it then? I could have just gone in yesterday and bought it from the shelf. *sigh* such is life. It doesn't pay to be lazy I guess.

You think I have problems?

He won't eat tomatoes because they smell like garbage.
He won't eat mustard because it's too close to the words "mouse turd".
He won't eat relish because it looks like boogers.

What's left?!?

Friday the 13th. Ho hum pigs bum.

My "baby" brother's birthday was on Wednesday. He's 27. Funny, I always seem to think I'm 27...so he can't possibly be. We've always been closer then my older brother and I. Maybe because there is only about 2 years between us (compared to almost 6 between my older bro and I) and we always into the same things. Well almost.

He had some problems in highschool. I should have seen it coming when he was in grade nine and used the $9.00 my mom gave him for his French Cahier to buy a pet mouse, then asked me to pay for his book. Damn him, because I did. Such a sucker. I swore he was going to get it when my mom found out, but she thought the mouse was cute, and never clued in to where he got the money. He ended up dropping out of highschool and getting into drugs and alcohol. Hard. He stole from us and made our lives a living hell until he "moved" out at 17 and lived his own life since he seemed to know what was best. It hurt all of us. It was a rough time in all of our lives. Gladly, things are much better now.

Since then, he's cleaned himself up to a very respectable young man. He doesn't drink or do drugs. He has a decent job and has done some extra courses related to his type of work. I guess he needed time to grow up and get a real life. He's a good friend to his amigos and helps my mom out whenever she needs it. He's an awesome uncle. He doesn't shy away from anything to do with Mason. He loves him and loves to be around the family. I'm so proud of the man he's become now. I wish him all the best!
Happy Birthday Kib!
(Yes..Kib..not kid.)

These pictures are from mother's day. He was up almost all night driving home. He was away at his best friend's daughter's dance recital cheering her on, but wanted to make it home in time to see my and my mom that day. That's just the kind of guy he is :)

Happy Birthday Kibby.

Even then...

I had some sass in me even then.
I was about 4 and my mother had taken me down to visit my grandmother. We were out grocery shopping and had returned home. My grandparents lived in a complex where we had to park and walk in, go up a flight of stairs and walk some more to reach their place.
While unloading some groceries, my grandmother handed me a light bag of food and asked me to carry it in.
I looked at her and said, "Now nana, you know I don't do go-sees."
And walked away.

Such a brat. It's a wonder I didn't get that bag of bread upside the head.

Weekend wrap-up

What an awesome weekend! The weather was unbelievable. It was rather on the hot and humid side, but I'm not about to complain. We spent a lot of time outside since there was a nice breeze. Mason adores the outside. He talks to the trees and the cars that go by. It's hilarious. We got a little shopping and bbqing in too!

Mason sitting in his "Bumbo" chair. He didn't even bat an eyelash when I screamed. A giant black and white spider crawled up my arm. It was n-a-s-t-y. The dog jumped up and was ready at attack whatever I was screaming at. Mason just laughed. I guess he knows his momma is a bit off her rocker.

He stole my sunglasses the lil' punk.

Enjoying the air conditioning :)

We hope everyone had a great weekend too!!

Tagged by Os!

I got tagged by Os. Since I'm in a great mood, I'll play along. Heck, I would have played along anyway, but if I was in a pissy mood, then my answers would be a whole lot different....
Here goes...

The Rules:

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning of the post.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves in their post.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.
4. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answers.

1. What was I doing 10 years ago? I was still in university. Probably completing my first year. So basically I was partying it up, drinking, smoking up, sleeping with random guys and gals....you know the usual stuff. I'm kidding about most of it. I was in school. No really....

2. What are 5 things on my list to do today? This is kind of sad really, but here you go:
a) Buy formula and cereal for the boy
b) Clean the bathrooms
c) Paint my toenails
d) Find 20 minutes alone to read (clearly I could be doing that now..but I choose this!)
e) Go for another walk once it cools off a bit. Can't waste this nice weather!

3. Snacks I enjoy: Hmmm there isn't much that can't go on this list really. My favourites are granola bars, strawberries, popcorn and if I want something bad I like cookies. I also like hot men to nibble on...mmmmm

4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire? Pay off my debt and the houses/debt of my close family and friends. Make a crazy donation to Heart and Stroke foundation and several others close to my heart. Take everyone on a wicked holiday. Buy my horse farm (If I buy it myself then it voids the deal I have with my husband..haha. See my 100 list to the right if you are confused). I'd hire a personal trainer and a personal chef too. Oh God, I could do sooo much.

5. Three of my bad habits: 1. Picking at things. 2. Leaving things to the last minute 3. Making jokes at inappropriate times.

6. Five places I've lived (in no specific order):
1. Brampton, Ontario
2. St. Catharines, Ontario
3. Le Beausset, France
4. The G-Spot, Ontario
5. The big O, Ontario

7. Five jobs I've had (in no specific order):
1. Bagel girl at "The Bagel Stop"
2. Ronald Ranger at McDonalds (among other McJobs there. I even dressed up as Grimace)
3. Daycare worker
4. Nanny
5. Elementary school teacher

8. How did I name my blog: In short, I first used this as a place to rant and go off on my tirades which are usually kept in my head...and I've always been told I have a certain amount of Sass to me. So there it is "Sassy Tirades"...since it's changed in the last ohhh 2-3 years, I should probably rename it and make some changes eh? Meh.

I'm suppose to tag 5-6 people now. So I tag the first 5-6 people who read this. If you want to play that is. Don't pretend like you didn't read it...I could give a flying fuck either way.

Help!

****EDIT****
My problem (one of them anyway) is fixed!! Thank you soooo much to G-Man who sat with me (in a sense anyway) through all my issues and walked me through things. I'm sure he had much better things to do but he helped little ol' me and now my computer is back to normal!! Thank you so much G-Man. You have no idea how much I really appreciate this.
How does a girl properly thank you??


No...it's not about getting a decent salad around here (see below if you're confused).
We had a big storm last night and before it actually started, we turned the computer off. This morning when I turned it on, it's all fucked up.
I got a message saying that my screen resolution and colour depth are at a very low level and if I wanted Windows to fix it. I said "yes" but nothing happened. I went into the Display settings and tried to do it by myself, but I couldn't change anything. All the images are distorted and fuzzy..and really big. The colours are all off too. It's hard to explain..and hard to type anything with things like this.

Anyone have any idea what happened or what I can do to fix it???
Any help is much appreciated!

Mc-D-O-N-A-L-D-S can kiss my A-S-S

Awhile ago I went on about a bowl of lettuce not being a salad. (here)

Last weekend I was out all day and starved (!!!!). Knowing full well that there was little to eat at home (another stop I had yet to make) I decided to pick something up. I went to McDonalds. That's the closest place to where I was and closest to home. I ordered myself a nice ol' salad and brought it home.

I wish I took a picture of it. It was soooo pathetic. I paid $5.99 and tax for a bowl of wilted lettuce, 2 skinny-assed slivers of tomato (not even a wedge! Clearly intended for a burger, but somehow ended up in my salad.) and a chicken breast thrown on top.

No cucumbers
No carrots
No cheese
No radish
No mushroom
No small bursty tomatoes
NOTHING

What a rip off.
If I wasn't so hungry and tired, trust me I would have gone back and expressed my dissatisfaction. Someone there needs to learn what a salad is, especially if they are going to charge $5.99 for it.

*** I just looked up what their salads are supposed to look like... HERE. Yeah..not so much. Now I'm even more pissed because my salad didn't even have the little oranges a mandarin orange salad should have. SHIT.

I don't like to be whiny, but....

I got a tinfoil cut and it hurrrrts. Someone wanna kiss it better for me?
It stings like a sonofabitch.

Move over little pubic lice....here I am.

Look closely at the map of the great lakes. There is the southern tip of Ontario. Right there in the middle of Lake Ontario, Lake Erie and Lake Huron. Technically not right in the middle, or we'd be wet...but you get the idea.


The island mass is shaped like a wee little elephant.

See it?

Cute eh?

Now look at where Toronto falls. We are the elephant's testicle if you will. Or labia, depending on the gender. It kind of explains the funky smell around here.

There is this commercial on tv. I hate it. Every time I see it, it pisses me off.
Some dick-weed dad and his snot faced kid are staring down at a liquidy mess that one of those 2 boneheads made. They are debating whether it's a "2 sheeter" or "3 sheeter" of paper towel to clean the mess up. The mother, on the other side of the kitchen, comes over and states "nope - a 1 sheeter" and proceeds to clean it up with this wonderful paper towel.

Stop right there.

Why is she cleaning it up? It's not her mess. The kid is old enough to clean it up himself if it's his dad should have half a clue by now, but I guess he doesn't. So nitwit bitchface happily cleans up the mess that one her two jackass family members made. The last scene is them all gathered around eating ice cream happily. The boys are probably thinking "dumb bitch just cleaned our mess up again. We have it made." And she's too stupid to realize that she's trapped amongst apes in domestic servitude. Perhaps she's too stupid to care though.

Perhaps I'm reading too much into this.
Perhaps I've name called too many times today.
Fucked if I care.

Ned Flanders would be proud

I didn't erupt into a ball of flames.
Nor did Hella.

The Baptism went great. Lots of people showed up which was really nice. We had perfect weather and Mason was so good. I didn't know just how he would react to all the different people. He was a little charmer as usual.

Here are some pictures:

With his mommy. He puked on his outfit after only 30 seconds. Good thing it cleaned up well. *sigh*

My little man :)

Look Mommy! I'm no longer a heathen!

This one just tickles me! Where did my little baby go? He looks like such a little boy!

I've been so busy,
Up to my neck in 'prep' work
Mason's Baptism.

Don't laugh! Some would think
This Sassy girl would combust
entering a Church.

If this shall happen,
I'll be in good company,
Hella's going down!

All joking aside,
It's a big day for my boy,
Can't wait to post pics!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HIPPYCHIC!!!

Please go and wish Miss Hippy a very happy birthday...just watch you don't step on anything in her garden eh!

To Hippy herself: I hope it's a special day for you! Enjoy some yummy food, good friends and create some special memories! Big hugs and kisses :)

Piss on the Haiku...I'm mad.

Argh. This world is going to the shitter. At least some people seem to be.

The other night my mom was working late. She was the only person in the store. At some point close to closing, her purse was stolen. She keeps it in the back room where it is supposedly 'safe'. Being the only person working my mom has to take care of customers, cash, etc, etc. Not a big deal. My mom went to close the big sliding doors across the front of the store and as she was doing that, a lady appeared. She went to slip out the door before mom 'locked' her in. My mom was shocked to see someone. The store isn't that big and she always does a sweep of the store to make sure no customers are there or in the change room. Anyway, mom apologized, they laughed and the lady left. Mom noticed she was carrying a big bag and thought it odd that she was flustered. She chalked it up to potentially being locked in. Who knows. To make a long story short, it was most likely this lady who has stolen my mom's purse. She must have slipped in the back room and made her exit at that point, and that is why my mom didn't see her in the store.
Luckily, my mom doesn't carry cash (the sucker only got about a dollar...not even enough for a coffee), but they did get her credit card and cell phone. Before the credit card company was called, they had used it twice. Once at the gas station (go figure!) and once at a pharmacy. The pain in the arse is replacing all her ID and especially her Health Card. My mom doesn't really carry anything of too much importance in her purse either, but she had put her car keys and house keys in there. ID with address...keys. Recipe for theft.

The mall security and police helped her out with a list of numbers to call, and got her home. She immediately looked up a locksmith. It was about 10pm by this time. 2 ads were in the paper for 24hr locksmiths. The first was out of service. The second boasted a list of services including "special consideration for victims of crime". Momma Sass called them.
The response?

Asshole: "Well lady, if your purse was stolen, do you have money?"
Mom: "Not at the moment, my bank card and credit card were stolen and the banks aren't open."
Asshole: "How are you going to pay me then?"
Mom: "Can you bill me or give me an invoice, so I can pay the bill tomorrow when the banks open?"
Asshole: "Business doesn't work that way lady. No money. No service. (side note: it doesn't eh?)
Mom: "Are you kidding me? I just had my purse stolen and my keys, I have no idea if someone is going to break into my house now!"
Asshole: "That's not my problem. Unless you have money, I don't have any service for you." CLICK.

Can you believe that?!?! He hung up on her. That insensitive prick. Is that really necessary to be so rude?! My poor mom. I was so angry when she told me this. Needless to say she didn't sleep all night. I've sent over Mr. Sass to change the locks himself.
Some friggen people.
I'm calling that damn company today to inquire just what these "special considerations for victims of crime" are. Then they are getting a piece of my mind.
Urgh.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive and I'm over-reacting, because it's my mom. You think?

3 Years of HNT!

It's the third anniversary of HNT!

The theme is 3.
I did my first HNT back in February of 2006. Although I've been slacking with HNT, especially since I've been battling getting back into some kind of shape (other then round) after my son was born back in December....I thought I'd do something for this week.

So THREES.

I hope bad things don't really happen in 3s. Last week my car broke down twice. My car is suppose to be the dependable one. Ha!
This week it's apparently the (almost new) refrigerator! Of course, I go out to do a major grocery shop (it's been over 3 weeks) and come home to find out the the fridge isn't cold. I poured myself a glass of milk and it was room temp. YUCK! So now I must wait for the repair man to come. I just hope I don't have to show him the goods to honour the warrenty. Otherwise, he'll probably be bending me over the refrigerator...so to speak. What next?!

There: 3 pictures. The cheap way out perhaps.
Happy HNT! and Happy Anniversary!

So I was driving in the old downtown part of this town. Lots of little shops, cafes..the usual. Real cute.
I was stopped at a light when I noticed the office of an accountant. Hmmm maybe it was a lawyer. Who knows, who cares. The important part is that her name was on the window in some fancy, professional type lettering. It spanned the whole window.
Her name?

"Ana. L. McSomethingorother"

I'm sorry, but if your name is Ana and spelled with just the one 'n'...do you really need to put your middle initial up too, especially if it's the letter L?? Think people. Think.

That is of course the professional office isn't just a clever cover up for something else more taboo she is offering out?

Nothin' says "Happy Mother's Day" like getting your ass pimped

My first Mother's Day :)

My beautiful baby boy decided he wanted to get the party started early this morning, so we were awake at 6:15. Somehow it didn't really matter, we had some quiet time together snuggling. He's brought such joy into my life. I really couldn't put to words the love I feel for this little guy. He's changed my life in so many awesome ways. Of course I was spoiled by him and Mr. Sass. Mason even managed to sign his name on the card. He's brilliant I tell ya!

Happy Mother's Day to all the momma's out there, and a special Happy Birthday to my mom too!

Sage has pimped my ass over at his blog. Short of posting pictures of my nunga-nunga's, he's asked that I link to this picture that he likes. Seems fitting since it is Mother's day. If you really want tit pics there are some in my HNT archives...or for the right price I've been known to flash the duo. Thanks for coming by... Who knew being pimped could feel so good?

Dear Curtis Stone,

You are hot. You talk about your beef tenderloin being moist. You make me moist.
The fact that you are male, hot, have an accent, and you can cook makes me want to ring my knickers out and garnish you with them. The things you make look yummy, but I have something you can eat. If I ever found you in a supermarket, sure I'd take home the chef, but cooking would be the last thing on my mind.

Love, Sass

Graduation Day Haiku

Pssst!! Do you hear that?
It's the sound of Hippychic.
She's graduating!!

She's worked mega hard,
Made many sacrifices,
The day's finally here!

We're so proud of her,
The world is at her doorstep.
This chic's gonna soar!

Ride on!

I've always had a thing for Cowboys. Gimme some hot sexy cowboy baby! What's that song? "Save a horse, ride a cowboy?" Hell yeah.
I can't even imagine what state my knickers would be in if I was able to go visit the brother and sister in law out in Calgary and be able to go meander around the Stampede. So yeah..just throwing that out there. Mmmmm.
This one ain't bad, but there is a serious lack of pictures around the net!

***By the way: Hella won the contest, however kudos to Mackey and Cori. Watch your mail. If I could I'd mail you out a hot cowboy. One who is bendy :)

Anyone up for a contest?!

I need a little "pick-me-up." I thought I'd have a little contest. With a prize. I just don't know what the prize is, but there will be one (Sorry Sage, it will not be nude photos).

So all you have to do is tell me the name of the movie/song (and artist) that the following quotes came from. Some of them are a bit obscure, but I'm sure you cheaters will Google them anyway. The first one with all (or the most) correct answers wins. And then I get to feel good by giving something away (sorry my virginity is long gone...).

1. Movie: A current favourite of mine: "Hey Laserlips. Your mama was a snowblower."

2. Movie: "What kinda sick fuck gets turned on watching a guy fuck a donkey?"

3. Song: "Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need now is in your soul
And you can do this (oh baby) if you try
All that I want from you my son is to be satisfied"

4. Song: "What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been"

5. Song: "I'm driving past your house while you were sneaking out
I got the car door opened up so you can jump in on the run
Your mom don't know that you were missing
She'd be pissed if she could see the parts of you that I've been kissing"

6.Movie: "What if I said I wouldn't have sex with you again till I got to meet your friends, what would you say?
-I'd say it's four-thirty in the morning, they're probably up.
-Men are shameless. If you're not thinking with your wiener then you're acting directly on it's behalf."


7. Movie: "I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working."

8. Song: "...pass the dro
Bust another bottle of moe
Gal dem in a me sight
and I gots to know
Which one is gonna catch my flow"

BONUS: "Now I'm in the subway and I'm looking for the flat
This one leads to this block, this one leads to that
The wind howls through the empty blocks looking for a home
I run through the empty stone because I'm all alone"

Wow. Tuesday. Time flies.
Busy weekend. Still not sleeping well. It seems like everyone in this house sleeps but me.
I spent yesterday helping move my grandfather into a nursing home. Nice place. I think he finally realizes that he needs the help. My aunt and I needed to lift him into bed at one point. I have a new appreciation for the people who work there. He's practically skin and bones but man was it hard. My back still hurts. I probably lift wrong though. Oh well. He's settled and comfortable so that makes me happy. Mason came along to help. He kept spirits high with his giggles and 'whispering'.

On Saturday I finally did it. I took some time and went and got my hair did. Chopped, and a bit of colour. Cut a little more then I thought I would, but I like it. I'll have to post a picture...whenever I find that camera of mine. Absent minded I tell ya.

So that's that. Hopefully I'll have something better to write soon. If not, maybe I should just come back here when I am having trouble sleeping...

My head is pounding,
hair a mess, walking zombie,
Insomniac Sass.

That's all I can muster right now..I'll be around.

The Take Home Chef would be so disapointed.

A bowl of lettuce is not "salad."
It's a bowl of lettuce.
Even if you add salad dressing, it doesn't make it salad.
It's still a bowl of lettuce.

Salad requires a variety of vegetables, maybe even some fruit or nuts, but it has to have something other then just lettuce to constitute it being called salad.

Just like that, a bowl of greasy water with a chicken drumstick floating in the middle, does not make "chicken soup."

Having a baby,
has made me appreciate,
life's simple pleasures.

A hot cup of tea,
good night's sleep, afternoon naps,
see things through his eyes,

Clean clothes, warm snuggles,
laughing at his 'raspberries',
watching my boy sleep.

There's no greater joy,
no harder work I will do,
worth every moment.

OH MY MACKEY!!

Last week when my mom came to visit, we went down to the mailbox and Cori had sent me a lovely gift. This week my mom was visiting again and we went to the mailbox and there was another gift!!
This one was from MACKEY!!

Inside was a heavy-duty-can't-break-it-nomatterwhat-spatula that can hold up to the harshest of spankings! Get this: It has a 50 year warranty on it!! She even had the handle engraved!! It has my name on it. I tried whacking the ass of Mr. Sass with the handle part and it left my name imprinted in the skin (now I just need one with our anniversary date engraved so I can hit him in the forehead with it). Oh the fun I'm going to have....
She also sent a bib for Mason (Go Leafs!....next season I guess) and a notepad and some Jelly Belly Jelly Beans which I enjoyed. I even saved a few for Mr. Sass and MADE him eat them one by one to savour each different flavour! HA!!

Although, the card she sent has me really wanting to stick a flip flop up my butt and taking a picture..but for the sake of all, I won't. (click on the picture and you can see the card up close)
Thank you Mackey! Lord knows how you had time to think of little ol' me when you have all the snow to dig yourself out of!
MUAH!

It's been awhile
Since I got my Haiku on
Feelin' a bit rusty.

Been eating my greens,
But can't stand the smell of meat,
Makes me want to puke.

Don't even go there,
Just an innocent comment.
I'm not pregnant fools!

I can't ruin this one!

So we know that I am a bit rough after this and this happened. I like it rough though ;)

I was seriously dwindling down any supply of spatulas (as my weapon of choice) I had in the house, when I got a pleasant surprise! I went to the mailbox and there was a lovely package waiting. I assumed it was for Mason (he gets all the good mail now!) but instead it was addressed to "Sassy Lisa the Chef". It took me a minute but I figured out what it was all about! CORI so lovingly sent me a new spatula! A sturdy metal one that can hold up to my abuse!!

THANK YOU CORI!!!
You are so awesome! I love it..and love the card too my creative friend! I think this one will hold up to a solid spanking or two!

Now that's how you turn a profit!

I don't know what made me think of it. Maybe it's all this nice weather we've been getting and the time spent outside trying to restore some life to the garden (if you know me then you know it's not ME who will restore life into any kind of plant. I'm more of the grim reaper of plant life. The touch of death I have..). I digress...
Anyways...being outside reminded me of the time when my younger brother decided to grow pot in my mom's garden. We were in highschool. I was probably about 18 and he was about 16. We have this deck off the kitchen that has about 7 stairs leading down to the grass. It's pretty high up since the kitchen is on the second floor. He decided to plant these buds directly below the railing amongst some bushes, a tree and some flowers. The damn plants grew taller then the bloody deck. At one point my mom saw them (and bless her naive heart) and stated that we should really go weed the garden since some nasty plant had clearly taken over. No clue.
He harvested his pathetic crop and even went so far as to bake (?? I really have no clue what one needs to do to grow good weed...bless my naive heart) it in the oven in our kitchen. He later smoked it saying it was a bit weak but it would do in a pinch.
My mom noticed the garden had been cleared of these weeds and assumed I had done her the favour (because my brother was a slacker stoner and wouldn't do it without being asked 500 times of course). She spotted me $20 for my 'hard work'.
My brother wasn't able to sell the shit that he grew, but I sure made some money off of it!
Sucka.

If I were...

Tagged by Mackey!!

If I were a month I would be: June - sunny and bright :)

If I were a day of the week I would be: Saturday

If I were a time of day I would be: 10:00am

If I were a planet I would be: Saturn..love me some rings.

If I were a animal I would be: a horse

If I were a direction I would be: North West

If I were a liquid I would be: pee pee - no wait I'd like to be a water. You can do so much with it!

If I were a flower/plant I would be: Gerbra

If I were a kind of weather I would be: Sunny and warm with a quick sun shower mid day (I need a nap)

If I were a musical instrument I would be: According to my FIL I'd be a cello (I'm still pissed off at him for saying that though...) But IIIII would like to be a flute.

If I were an emotion I would be: Happiness

If I were a color I would be: Purple

If I were a sound I would be: breeze in the trees (hey - that's fun to say!)

If I were a car I would be: One with junk in the trunk...

If I were a song I would be: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

If I were a food I would be: Strawberries

If I were a taste I would be: Sweet

If I were a scent I would be: Vanilla...or fresh baked cookies.

If I were a word I would be: neighbourly

If I were a facial expression I would be: Mischievous - that 'I'm up to something..." look

If I were a cartoon character I would be: Winnie the Pooh

If I were a number I would be: 33

I'll tag anyone else who wants to play too..cuz I'm a punk like that.

Dumb Ass things I did as a Kid...Part 1

I consider myself a pretty intelligent person. I come from intelligent parents and am well educated. I have a pretty level head on my shoulders and some common sense. Sure, sometimes I choose not to use it, but it's there for when I need it.
As a kid my mom would shake her head at some of the asinine and simply stupid things I would do. Apparently on this day, I checked the common sense at the door and proceeded in without caution. This one particular time I was probably about 7 or 8 years old. My brothers and I were sitting around the table and mom was cooking something. We had a toaster on the table that had mirrored sides on it. I was looking at my reflection in it and was clearly moved by the beauty that was staring back at me (riiight) because I felt so inclined as to kiss myself in the mirror.
We had been using the toaster (toasted tomato sandwiches if I remember correctly) so it was friggen HOT!!
I burned my lips.
Yes, I burned my lips on the toaster from kissing my reflection.
Not the smartest peanut in the turd.

What's the bloody sense in eating those gourmet jelly beans with the funky flavours, if you're just going to pop 10 of them in your mouth at once? Honestly. Take your time and savour it.

That goes for a lot of things in life...TAKE YOUR TIME dammit.

Horray for Boobies!

You know...I think my boobs are on the net a little too often! However this time, it's for a good cause! Last year Mackey and G-Man did a boob-a-thon to raise money.
This year Sarah over at Snarkalicious is doing the same!

If you sent her a (classy, not crass) picture of your ta-tas then she'll donate $2.oo for Breast Cancer research. Isn't that awesome?!?!

Check it out here...and then go take a picture of your gals!!

Hit me baby one more time...

I'm two for two.

I only have one spatula left...maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead. I don't understand what the hell I'm doing wrong.

P.S. This has nothing to do with my cookie being hard. Always warm, soft and moist.

I'm around and have been lurking around too. It's just been a bit of a crazy week. The biggest thing going on is that my grandfather isn't doing so well. He lives in a retirement facility that has a nurse on each floor, however it's not a nursing home. It seems he's needing more care then they can provide so there has been talk of moving him. He's not pleased. The other day he fell twice. The second time the 2 night staff were unable to get him up and had to call an ambulance. The paramedics said that he should come to the hospital to be properly checked out. He flat out refused. The next day he was stiff and in pain. He didn't want to even get out of bed. Then he fell again. My mom and aunt have been to at least take him to the doctors and talk to him. He's upset and being really mean. The nurse told them also he has a DNR on him too. Until they get him into a nursing home, they've hired a private caregiver to take care of him and do all the things he needs, which is now unable to do. He thinks he doesn't need this help though and is angry with them. My mom is really stressed out right now and upset which is hard for me to see. Add this in with some other issues that have surfaced this week and damn. So that is where we are...

I'll be around more as things settle down. In the meantime the weather has been getting nicer and a lot sunnier so Mason and I are getting out more :)

***
Did you know that Friday is International Cleavage day? My good friend Sage is hoping to get 50 pictures of some cleavage. Naughty or nice.
Help the man out. If you go to his page and scroll down you can see how to get your mounds to him.
I wonder if he takes man cleavage?

29 Candles today

I turned my lights (and everything else) off.
Did you?

If I wanted to be repeatedly shit and pissed on, I'd go make dutch porn.
Lay off. I do my best. You could meet me half way.

Dear Mother Nature,
What's up with this weather? It's never snowy on my birthday. Sometimes rain, but not snow and never ice. Usually it's at least 7 degrees, not -7.
You've got 5 days to get your act together and clean this shit up.
Thanks,
Sassy

My mom's ex-boyfriend stalks her.

Not in a "I'm going to kidnap you, take you away and make you love me...or I'll kill you" way. At least I don't think so (that kind of drama was for her best friend. No jokes. The guy is in jail now.). He's not the type, but then again what is that type? and do you ever really know? Anyway, she finds it funny.
I first found out because we saw his truck one day on the same road. He was heading to the mall and my mom decided that she no longer wanted to go there. She then explained that he'd find her and we'd be stuck and that would fuel him to seek her attention even more then he already does. He constantly drops flowers and her favourite chocolates off to work for her, even when she's not there. He'll leave them with some creepy message with the girl working. She gives the chocolates away and throws the flowers in the garbage. Originally she didn't tell anyone, but since he's always popping in to her place of work, she told someone. He drives by the house randomly and he'll call (thank God for call display) too.

I can see why he likes my mom, she's awesome, but get a clue buddy. He clearly has too much time on his hands and needs to get a life.

He creeped me out a long time ago when we were at the cottage and Mr. Sass caught him nonchalantly peeping in on me while I was changing. That should tip you off right there eh? Pervert.

Happy Easter!!!

I hope that everyone has a wonderful Easter. Check out my little bunny:

Why did I get the crazy lady for a mom?

And of course a picture of Cooper...poor dog. At least he has someone else now who gets tortured with him!

It's the first day of spring and Mother nature forgot to turn on the heat damn it!

I'm recycling an old Easter picture for this Holy season. Baby Jesus would be so proud.

I've been baking....

Probably not a good sign eh?

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I really toyed with the idea of painting Mason green, but decided the hassle I'd probably get from Children's Services wasn't worth it. About 3 years ago (maybe 4) I bought this onesie. It was too cute to pass up and I hoped one day I'd have a baby to wear it. Who knew it would be a perfect fit for St. Patrick's day?! Too bad he resembles more of his daddy's side then his mommy's pasty white Irish side! Oh well, he's one little leprechaun I love who has brought me the best kind of riches out there!
Last year for this holiday I got waaaay to drunk with Hella and Binsk and then at some point got myself pregnant. This year it will be green punch and abstinence thank you very much!

I leave you with some Irish blessings and sayings:

My grandparents always said this one to us:

May your blessings outnumber
The Shamrocks that grow.
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
**Then my grandfather would add in "and may you spend half an hour in heaven before the devil knows your dead!"

This one is for Hella and Binsk. The best drinking buddies ever!

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

Have a good one friends!
Slainte!

Opps...my bad!

It's not joking how cold and snowy it can get around these parts. My husband "Mr. Sass" as I like to call him, keeps his hair pretty short, but lets it get a bit longer in the winter to keep his melon warm (like me and my leg hair). When he starts to look like a Q-tip, I make some comment and he pulls out the buzzer. The other night, said comment arose and he started to shave his head. He usually shaves something into his head so he looks like a window licker and then lets me finish it off and make sure everything is even (except for the times I'm pissed off with him and leave a hairy patch at the back for a few days). Anyways, I was busy feeding Mason and told him he'd have to wait a minute. When I was done I went up to the bathroom. As I was coming in the room the phone rang. It was my mom. Mr. Sass is mouthing to me that he can wait, to go and talk to her. However, with the phone cradled on my shoulder I tell him "I can do more than one thing at once you know!"
Famous last words.
I neglected to notice that he took the guard off. He had handed me the buzzer and turned around (like he ALWAYS does. I ALWAYS go over his head first then trim up his neck without the guard!). While chatting with mom, I started to run the buzzer up his head. He whipped around and in his best...ummm...black diva voice he says, "Oh no you juss di'int!"
Oh yes I just did.
I shaved him down to his skin. I nearly peed my pants laughing. Apparently I can't shave heads and talk on the phone at the same time without effin up.

A rare Mr. Sass sighting..see how impressed he is? A look I am sadly familiar with.

Good thing we have a lot of toques.

Stuffed and Starved

This morning I had the tv on to "Breakfast Television" and they had the author Raj Patel on. He wrote this book called Stuffed and Starved which looks at the absurdities in the world's food systems. Just look at how many people are so overweight in contrast to how many people are starving. A fact that really makes you think and made me shudder. It really is sad. I found it interesting that Ben and Jerrys ice cream also owns Slim Fast, and Nestle also owns Jenny Craig. Seems like they get your money getting you fat and then get your money again getting you slim again. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I'm well aware (all to aware...) that they are not personally standing there shoving ice cream and treats down our throats while we object. We all make our own nutritional choices whether they be bad or good. I just found a little humor (should I be laughing at this?) in the irony of these businesses. Raj also mentioned that the "golden arches" are far more known then the Catholic cross (unless of course you live in Canada, then it would be the Tim Hortons sign that is far more recognized!). I really can't comment or say too much more until I read the book, but it did remind me of a time in highschool where a bunch of us hooligans plastered Whopper wrappers from Burger King all over the front window of Jenny Craig. tst tst.
Hella were you apart of this? Or were you in hiding during a game of CB tag?

Ok Randi, no more testicles. A new post, however pointless it may turn out to be.

The fact of the matter is I hate black pens. Now don't go and get your knickers in a knot, I'm not a racist (I have a coloured tv). I won't not write with a black pen, but I do try to avoid it. I find I write a whole lot messier with black ink...and I blame the pen. I need a nice blue pen that writes with a thicker line. The ideal pen? The Medium Patermate Flexgrip Ultra Ballpoint Pen.
I won't even bother going into the fact that I'll steal a nice blue pen if I come across it. Rather, I take it and leave behind a black one that I hate.
I know. I have issues.

Do your balls hang low??

I need your help. Well..the help of the men out there, or some women who are willing to quiz their loved ones.

Mr. Sass decided to tell me that one of a man's testicles hangs a little lower then the other and that apparently correlates to what their dominant hand is. For example, if a man's right nut hangs lower then he is left handed, and visa versa. I'll say that it holds true in this house. I need to know if it's really true or if he's pulling my chain. Again.

Could you kindly do a little research for me?

This guy is clearly right handed if this holds true...

There's something wrong with this town....

Someone is always messing with the signs in this town. I've learned to always have my camera handy. I don't know how they got to this sign, unless it was the massive piles of snow around here, but I do know one thing: My momma ain't that cheap!