There is this commercial on tv. I hate it. Every time I see it, it pisses me off.
Some dick-weed dad and his snot faced kid are staring down at a liquidy mess that one of those 2 boneheads made. They are debating whether it's a "2 sheeter" or "3 sheeter" of paper towel to clean the mess up. The mother, on the other side of the kitchen, comes over and states "nope - a 1 sheeter" and proceeds to clean it up with this wonderful paper towel.

Stop right there.

Why is she cleaning it up? It's not her mess. The kid is old enough to clean it up himself if it's his dad should have half a clue by now, but I guess he doesn't. So nitwit bitchface happily cleans up the mess that one her two jackass family members made. The last scene is them all gathered around eating ice cream happily. The boys are probably thinking "dumb bitch just cleaned our mess up again. We have it made." And she's too stupid to realize that she's trapped amongst apes in domestic servitude. Perhaps she's too stupid to care though.

Perhaps I'm reading too much into this.
Perhaps I've name called too many times today.
Fucked if I care.

Ned Flanders would be proud

I didn't erupt into a ball of flames.
Nor did Hella.

The Baptism went great. Lots of people showed up which was really nice. We had perfect weather and Mason was so good. I didn't know just how he would react to all the different people. He was a little charmer as usual.

Here are some pictures:

With his mommy. He puked on his outfit after only 30 seconds. Good thing it cleaned up well. *sigh*

My little man :)

Look Mommy! I'm no longer a heathen!

This one just tickles me! Where did my little baby go? He looks like such a little boy!

I've been so busy,
Up to my neck in 'prep' work
Mason's Baptism.

Don't laugh! Some would think
This Sassy girl would combust
entering a Church.

If this shall happen,
I'll be in good company,
Hella's going down!

All joking aside,
It's a big day for my boy,
Can't wait to post pics!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HIPPYCHIC!!!

Please go and wish Miss Hippy a very happy birthday...just watch you don't step on anything in her garden eh!

To Hippy herself: I hope it's a special day for you! Enjoy some yummy food, good friends and create some special memories! Big hugs and kisses :)

Piss on the Haiku...I'm mad.

Argh. This world is going to the shitter. At least some people seem to be.

The other night my mom was working late. She was the only person in the store. At some point close to closing, her purse was stolen. She keeps it in the back room where it is supposedly 'safe'. Being the only person working my mom has to take care of customers, cash, etc, etc. Not a big deal. My mom went to close the big sliding doors across the front of the store and as she was doing that, a lady appeared. She went to slip out the door before mom 'locked' her in. My mom was shocked to see someone. The store isn't that big and she always does a sweep of the store to make sure no customers are there or in the change room. Anyway, mom apologized, they laughed and the lady left. Mom noticed she was carrying a big bag and thought it odd that she was flustered. She chalked it up to potentially being locked in. Who knows. To make a long story short, it was most likely this lady who has stolen my mom's purse. She must have slipped in the back room and made her exit at that point, and that is why my mom didn't see her in the store.
Luckily, my mom doesn't carry cash (the sucker only got about a dollar...not even enough for a coffee), but they did get her credit card and cell phone. Before the credit card company was called, they had used it twice. Once at the gas station (go figure!) and once at a pharmacy. The pain in the arse is replacing all her ID and especially her Health Card. My mom doesn't really carry anything of too much importance in her purse either, but she had put her car keys and house keys in there. ID with address...keys. Recipe for theft.

The mall security and police helped her out with a list of numbers to call, and got her home. She immediately looked up a locksmith. It was about 10pm by this time. 2 ads were in the paper for 24hr locksmiths. The first was out of service. The second boasted a list of services including "special consideration for victims of crime". Momma Sass called them.
The response?

Asshole: "Well lady, if your purse was stolen, do you have money?"
Mom: "Not at the moment, my bank card and credit card were stolen and the banks aren't open."
Asshole: "How are you going to pay me then?"
Mom: "Can you bill me or give me an invoice, so I can pay the bill tomorrow when the banks open?"
Asshole: "Business doesn't work that way lady. No money. No service. (side note: it doesn't eh?)
Mom: "Are you kidding me? I just had my purse stolen and my keys, I have no idea if someone is going to break into my house now!"
Asshole: "That's not my problem. Unless you have money, I don't have any service for you." CLICK.

Can you believe that?!?! He hung up on her. That insensitive prick. Is that really necessary to be so rude?! My poor mom. I was so angry when she told me this. Needless to say she didn't sleep all night. I've sent over Mr. Sass to change the locks himself.
Some friggen people.
I'm calling that damn company today to inquire just what these "special considerations for victims of crime" are. Then they are getting a piece of my mind.
Urgh.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive and I'm over-reacting, because it's my mom. You think?

3 Years of HNT!

It's the third anniversary of HNT!

The theme is 3.
I did my first HNT back in February of 2006. Although I've been slacking with HNT, especially since I've been battling getting back into some kind of shape (other then round) after my son was born back in December....I thought I'd do something for this week.

So THREES.

I hope bad things don't really happen in 3s. Last week my car broke down twice. My car is suppose to be the dependable one. Ha!
This week it's apparently the (almost new) refrigerator! Of course, I go out to do a major grocery shop (it's been over 3 weeks) and come home to find out the the fridge isn't cold. I poured myself a glass of milk and it was room temp. YUCK! So now I must wait for the repair man to come. I just hope I don't have to show him the goods to honour the warrenty. Otherwise, he'll probably be bending me over the refrigerator...so to speak. What next?!

There: 3 pictures. The cheap way out perhaps.
Happy HNT! and Happy Anniversary!

So I was driving in the old downtown part of this town. Lots of little shops, cafes..the usual. Real cute.
I was stopped at a light when I noticed the office of an accountant. Hmmm maybe it was a lawyer. Who knows, who cares. The important part is that her name was on the window in some fancy, professional type lettering. It spanned the whole window.
Her name?

"Ana. L. McSomethingorother"

I'm sorry, but if your name is Ana and spelled with just the one 'n'...do you really need to put your middle initial up too, especially if it's the letter L?? Think people. Think.

That is of course the professional office isn't just a clever cover up for something else more taboo she is offering out?

Nothin' says "Happy Mother's Day" like getting your ass pimped

My first Mother's Day :)

My beautiful baby boy decided he wanted to get the party started early this morning, so we were awake at 6:15. Somehow it didn't really matter, we had some quiet time together snuggling. He's brought such joy into my life. I really couldn't put to words the love I feel for this little guy. He's changed my life in so many awesome ways. Of course I was spoiled by him and Mr. Sass. Mason even managed to sign his name on the card. He's brilliant I tell ya!

Happy Mother's Day to all the momma's out there, and a special Happy Birthday to my mom too!

Sage has pimped my ass over at his blog. Short of posting pictures of my nunga-nunga's, he's asked that I link to this picture that he likes. Seems fitting since it is Mother's day. If you really want tit pics there are some in my HNT archives...or for the right price I've been known to flash the duo. Thanks for coming by... Who knew being pimped could feel so good?

Dear Curtis Stone,

You are hot. You talk about your beef tenderloin being moist. You make me moist.
The fact that you are male, hot, have an accent, and you can cook makes me want to ring my knickers out and garnish you with them. The things you make look yummy, but I have something you can eat. If I ever found you in a supermarket, sure I'd take home the chef, but cooking would be the last thing on my mind.

Love, Sass

Graduation Day Haiku

Pssst!! Do you hear that?
It's the sound of Hippychic.
She's graduating!!

She's worked mega hard,
Made many sacrifices,
The day's finally here!

We're so proud of her,
The world is at her doorstep.
This chic's gonna soar!

Ride on!

I've always had a thing for Cowboys. Gimme some hot sexy cowboy baby! What's that song? "Save a horse, ride a cowboy?" Hell yeah.
I can't even imagine what state my knickers would be in if I was able to go visit the brother and sister in law out in Calgary and be able to go meander around the Stampede. So yeah..just throwing that out there. Mmmmm.
This one ain't bad, but there is a serious lack of pictures around the net!

***By the way: Hella won the contest, however kudos to Mackey and Cori. Watch your mail. If I could I'd mail you out a hot cowboy. One who is bendy :)

Anyone up for a contest?!

I need a little "pick-me-up." I thought I'd have a little contest. With a prize. I just don't know what the prize is, but there will be one (Sorry Sage, it will not be nude photos).

So all you have to do is tell me the name of the movie/song (and artist) that the following quotes came from. Some of them are a bit obscure, but I'm sure you cheaters will Google them anyway. The first one with all (or the most) correct answers wins. And then I get to feel good by giving something away (sorry my virginity is long gone...).

1. Movie: A current favourite of mine: "Hey Laserlips. Your mama was a snowblower."

2. Movie: "What kinda sick fuck gets turned on watching a guy fuck a donkey?"

3. Song: "Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need now is in your soul
And you can do this (oh baby) if you try
All that I want from you my son is to be satisfied"

4. Song: "What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been"

5. Song: "I'm driving past your house while you were sneaking out
I got the car door opened up so you can jump in on the run
Your mom don't know that you were missing
She'd be pissed if she could see the parts of you that I've been kissing"

6.Movie: "What if I said I wouldn't have sex with you again till I got to meet your friends, what would you say?
-I'd say it's four-thirty in the morning, they're probably up.
-Men are shameless. If you're not thinking with your wiener then you're acting directly on it's behalf."


7. Movie: "I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working."

8. Song: "...pass the dro
Bust another bottle of moe
Gal dem in a me sight
and I gots to know
Which one is gonna catch my flow"

BONUS: "Now I'm in the subway and I'm looking for the flat
This one leads to this block, this one leads to that
The wind howls through the empty blocks looking for a home
I run through the empty stone because I'm all alone"

Wow. Tuesday. Time flies.
Busy weekend. Still not sleeping well. It seems like everyone in this house sleeps but me.
I spent yesterday helping move my grandfather into a nursing home. Nice place. I think he finally realizes that he needs the help. My aunt and I needed to lift him into bed at one point. I have a new appreciation for the people who work there. He's practically skin and bones but man was it hard. My back still hurts. I probably lift wrong though. Oh well. He's settled and comfortable so that makes me happy. Mason came along to help. He kept spirits high with his giggles and 'whispering'.

On Saturday I finally did it. I took some time and went and got my hair did. Chopped, and a bit of colour. Cut a little more then I thought I would, but I like it. I'll have to post a picture...whenever I find that camera of mine. Absent minded I tell ya.

So that's that. Hopefully I'll have something better to write soon. If not, maybe I should just come back here when I am having trouble sleeping...

My head is pounding,
hair a mess, walking zombie,
Insomniac Sass.

That's all I can muster right now..I'll be around.

The Take Home Chef would be so disapointed.

A bowl of lettuce is not "salad."
It's a bowl of lettuce.
Even if you add salad dressing, it doesn't make it salad.
It's still a bowl of lettuce.

Salad requires a variety of vegetables, maybe even some fruit or nuts, but it has to have something other then just lettuce to constitute it being called salad.

Just like that, a bowl of greasy water with a chicken drumstick floating in the middle, does not make "chicken soup."

Having a baby,
has made me appreciate,
life's simple pleasures.

A hot cup of tea,
good night's sleep, afternoon naps,
see things through his eyes,

Clean clothes, warm snuggles,
laughing at his 'raspberries',
watching my boy sleep.

There's no greater joy,
no harder work I will do,
worth every moment.

OH MY MACKEY!!

Last week when my mom came to visit, we went down to the mailbox and Cori had sent me a lovely gift. This week my mom was visiting again and we went to the mailbox and there was another gift!!
This one was from MACKEY!!

Inside was a heavy-duty-can't-break-it-nomatterwhat-spatula that can hold up to the harshest of spankings! Get this: It has a 50 year warranty on it!! She even had the handle engraved!! It has my name on it. I tried whacking the ass of Mr. Sass with the handle part and it left my name imprinted in the skin (now I just need one with our anniversary date engraved so I can hit him in the forehead with it). Oh the fun I'm going to have....
She also sent a bib for Mason (Go Leafs!....next season I guess) and a notepad and some Jelly Belly Jelly Beans which I enjoyed. I even saved a few for Mr. Sass and MADE him eat them one by one to savour each different flavour! HA!!

Although, the card she sent has me really wanting to stick a flip flop up my butt and taking a picture..but for the sake of all, I won't. (click on the picture and you can see the card up close)
Thank you Mackey! Lord knows how you had time to think of little ol' me when you have all the snow to dig yourself out of!
MUAH!

It's been awhile
Since I got my Haiku on
Feelin' a bit rusty.

Been eating my greens,
But can't stand the smell of meat,
Makes me want to puke.

Don't even go there,
Just an innocent comment.
I'm not pregnant fools!

I can't ruin this one!

So we know that I am a bit rough after this and this happened. I like it rough though ;)

I was seriously dwindling down any supply of spatulas (as my weapon of choice) I had in the house, when I got a pleasant surprise! I went to the mailbox and there was a lovely package waiting. I assumed it was for Mason (he gets all the good mail now!) but instead it was addressed to "Sassy Lisa the Chef". It took me a minute but I figured out what it was all about! CORI so lovingly sent me a new spatula! A sturdy metal one that can hold up to my abuse!!

THANK YOU CORI!!!
You are so awesome! I love it..and love the card too my creative friend! I think this one will hold up to a solid spanking or two!

Now that's how you turn a profit!

I don't know what made me think of it. Maybe it's all this nice weather we've been getting and the time spent outside trying to restore some life to the garden (if you know me then you know it's not ME who will restore life into any kind of plant. I'm more of the grim reaper of plant life. The touch of death I have..). I digress...
Anyways...being outside reminded me of the time when my younger brother decided to grow pot in my mom's garden. We were in highschool. I was probably about 18 and he was about 16. We have this deck off the kitchen that has about 7 stairs leading down to the grass. It's pretty high up since the kitchen is on the second floor. He decided to plant these buds directly below the railing amongst some bushes, a tree and some flowers. The damn plants grew taller then the bloody deck. At one point my mom saw them (and bless her naive heart) and stated that we should really go weed the garden since some nasty plant had clearly taken over. No clue.
He harvested his pathetic crop and even went so far as to bake (?? I really have no clue what one needs to do to grow good weed...bless my naive heart) it in the oven in our kitchen. He later smoked it saying it was a bit weak but it would do in a pinch.
My mom noticed the garden had been cleared of these weeds and assumed I had done her the favour (because my brother was a slacker stoner and wouldn't do it without being asked 500 times of course). She spotted me $20 for my 'hard work'.
My brother wasn't able to sell the shit that he grew, but I sure made some money off of it!
Sucka.

If I were...

Tagged by Mackey!!

If I were a month I would be: June - sunny and bright :)

If I were a day of the week I would be: Saturday

If I were a time of day I would be: 10:00am

If I were a planet I would be: Saturn..love me some rings.

If I were a animal I would be: a horse

If I were a direction I would be: North West

If I were a liquid I would be: pee pee - no wait I'd like to be a water. You can do so much with it!

If I were a flower/plant I would be: Gerbra

If I were a kind of weather I would be: Sunny and warm with a quick sun shower mid day (I need a nap)

If I were a musical instrument I would be: According to my FIL I'd be a cello (I'm still pissed off at him for saying that though...) But IIIII would like to be a flute.

If I were an emotion I would be: Happiness

If I were a color I would be: Purple

If I were a sound I would be: breeze in the trees (hey - that's fun to say!)

If I were a car I would be: One with junk in the trunk...

If I were a song I would be: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

If I were a food I would be: Strawberries

If I were a taste I would be: Sweet

If I were a scent I would be: Vanilla...or fresh baked cookies.

If I were a word I would be: neighbourly

If I were a facial expression I would be: Mischievous - that 'I'm up to something..." look

If I were a cartoon character I would be: Winnie the Pooh

If I were a number I would be: 33

I'll tag anyone else who wants to play too..cuz I'm a punk like that.

Dumb Ass things I did as a Kid...Part 1

I consider myself a pretty intelligent person. I come from intelligent parents and am well educated. I have a pretty level head on my shoulders and some common sense. Sure, sometimes I choose not to use it, but it's there for when I need it.
As a kid my mom would shake her head at some of the asinine and simply stupid things I would do. Apparently on this day, I checked the common sense at the door and proceeded in without caution. This one particular time I was probably about 7 or 8 years old. My brothers and I were sitting around the table and mom was cooking something. We had a toaster on the table that had mirrored sides on it. I was looking at my reflection in it and was clearly moved by the beauty that was staring back at me (riiight) because I felt so inclined as to kiss myself in the mirror.
We had been using the toaster (toasted tomato sandwiches if I remember correctly) so it was friggen HOT!!
I burned my lips.
Yes, I burned my lips on the toaster from kissing my reflection.
Not the smartest peanut in the turd.

What's the bloody sense in eating those gourmet jelly beans with the funky flavours, if you're just going to pop 10 of them in your mouth at once? Honestly. Take your time and savour it.

That goes for a lot of things in life...TAKE YOUR TIME dammit.

Horray for Boobies!

You know...I think my boobs are on the net a little too often! However this time, it's for a good cause! Last year Mackey and G-Man did a boob-a-thon to raise money.
This year Sarah over at Snarkalicious is doing the same!

If you sent her a (classy, not crass) picture of your ta-tas then she'll donate $2.oo for Breast Cancer research. Isn't that awesome?!?!

Check it out here...and then go take a picture of your gals!!

Hit me baby one more time...

I'm two for two.

I only have one spatula left...maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead. I don't understand what the hell I'm doing wrong.

P.S. This has nothing to do with my cookie being hard. Always warm, soft and moist.

I'm around and have been lurking around too. It's just been a bit of a crazy week. The biggest thing going on is that my grandfather isn't doing so well. He lives in a retirement facility that has a nurse on each floor, however it's not a nursing home. It seems he's needing more care then they can provide so there has been talk of moving him. He's not pleased. The other day he fell twice. The second time the 2 night staff were unable to get him up and had to call an ambulance. The paramedics said that he should come to the hospital to be properly checked out. He flat out refused. The next day he was stiff and in pain. He didn't want to even get out of bed. Then he fell again. My mom and aunt have been to at least take him to the doctors and talk to him. He's upset and being really mean. The nurse told them also he has a DNR on him too. Until they get him into a nursing home, they've hired a private caregiver to take care of him and do all the things he needs, which is now unable to do. He thinks he doesn't need this help though and is angry with them. My mom is really stressed out right now and upset which is hard for me to see. Add this in with some other issues that have surfaced this week and damn. So that is where we are...

I'll be around more as things settle down. In the meantime the weather has been getting nicer and a lot sunnier so Mason and I are getting out more :)

***
Did you know that Friday is International Cleavage day? My good friend Sage is hoping to get 50 pictures of some cleavage. Naughty or nice.
Help the man out. If you go to his page and scroll down you can see how to get your mounds to him.
I wonder if he takes man cleavage?

29 Candles today

I turned my lights (and everything else) off.
Did you?

If I wanted to be repeatedly shit and pissed on, I'd go make dutch porn.
Lay off. I do my best. You could meet me half way.

Dear Mother Nature,
What's up with this weather? It's never snowy on my birthday. Sometimes rain, but not snow and never ice. Usually it's at least 7 degrees, not -7.
You've got 5 days to get your act together and clean this shit up.
Thanks,
Sassy

My mom's ex-boyfriend stalks her.

Not in a "I'm going to kidnap you, take you away and make you love me...or I'll kill you" way. At least I don't think so (that kind of drama was for her best friend. No jokes. The guy is in jail now.). He's not the type, but then again what is that type? and do you ever really know? Anyway, she finds it funny.
I first found out because we saw his truck one day on the same road. He was heading to the mall and my mom decided that she no longer wanted to go there. She then explained that he'd find her and we'd be stuck and that would fuel him to seek her attention even more then he already does. He constantly drops flowers and her favourite chocolates off to work for her, even when she's not there. He'll leave them with some creepy message with the girl working. She gives the chocolates away and throws the flowers in the garbage. Originally she didn't tell anyone, but since he's always popping in to her place of work, she told someone. He drives by the house randomly and he'll call (thank God for call display) too.

I can see why he likes my mom, she's awesome, but get a clue buddy. He clearly has too much time on his hands and needs to get a life.

He creeped me out a long time ago when we were at the cottage and Mr. Sass caught him nonchalantly peeping in on me while I was changing. That should tip you off right there eh? Pervert.

Happy Easter!!!

I hope that everyone has a wonderful Easter. Check out my little bunny:

Why did I get the crazy lady for a mom?

And of course a picture of Cooper...poor dog. At least he has someone else now who gets tortured with him!

It's the first day of spring and Mother nature forgot to turn on the heat damn it!

I'm recycling an old Easter picture for this Holy season. Baby Jesus would be so proud.

I've been baking....

Probably not a good sign eh?

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I really toyed with the idea of painting Mason green, but decided the hassle I'd probably get from Children's Services wasn't worth it. About 3 years ago (maybe 4) I bought this onesie. It was too cute to pass up and I hoped one day I'd have a baby to wear it. Who knew it would be a perfect fit for St. Patrick's day?! Too bad he resembles more of his daddy's side then his mommy's pasty white Irish side! Oh well, he's one little leprechaun I love who has brought me the best kind of riches out there!
Last year for this holiday I got waaaay to drunk with Hella and Binsk and then at some point got myself pregnant. This year it will be green punch and abstinence thank you very much!

I leave you with some Irish blessings and sayings:

My grandparents always said this one to us:

May your blessings outnumber
The Shamrocks that grow.
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
**Then my grandfather would add in "and may you spend half an hour in heaven before the devil knows your dead!"

This one is for Hella and Binsk. The best drinking buddies ever!

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

Have a good one friends!
Slainte!

Opps...my bad!

It's not joking how cold and snowy it can get around these parts. My husband "Mr. Sass" as I like to call him, keeps his hair pretty short, but lets it get a bit longer in the winter to keep his melon warm (like me and my leg hair). When he starts to look like a Q-tip, I make some comment and he pulls out the buzzer. The other night, said comment arose and he started to shave his head. He usually shaves something into his head so he looks like a window licker and then lets me finish it off and make sure everything is even (except for the times I'm pissed off with him and leave a hairy patch at the back for a few days). Anyways, I was busy feeding Mason and told him he'd have to wait a minute. When I was done I went up to the bathroom. As I was coming in the room the phone rang. It was my mom. Mr. Sass is mouthing to me that he can wait, to go and talk to her. However, with the phone cradled on my shoulder I tell him "I can do more than one thing at once you know!"
Famous last words.
I neglected to notice that he took the guard off. He had handed me the buzzer and turned around (like he ALWAYS does. I ALWAYS go over his head first then trim up his neck without the guard!). While chatting with mom, I started to run the buzzer up his head. He whipped around and in his best...ummm...black diva voice he says, "Oh no you juss di'int!"
Oh yes I just did.
I shaved him down to his skin. I nearly peed my pants laughing. Apparently I can't shave heads and talk on the phone at the same time without effin up.

A rare Mr. Sass sighting..see how impressed he is? A look I am sadly familiar with.

Good thing we have a lot of toques.

Stuffed and Starved

This morning I had the tv on to "Breakfast Television" and they had the author Raj Patel on. He wrote this book called Stuffed and Starved which looks at the absurdities in the world's food systems. Just look at how many people are so overweight in contrast to how many people are starving. A fact that really makes you think and made me shudder. It really is sad. I found it interesting that Ben and Jerrys ice cream also owns Slim Fast, and Nestle also owns Jenny Craig. Seems like they get your money getting you fat and then get your money again getting you slim again. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I'm well aware (all to aware...) that they are not personally standing there shoving ice cream and treats down our throats while we object. We all make our own nutritional choices whether they be bad or good. I just found a little humor (should I be laughing at this?) in the irony of these businesses. Raj also mentioned that the "golden arches" are far more known then the Catholic cross (unless of course you live in Canada, then it would be the Tim Hortons sign that is far more recognized!). I really can't comment or say too much more until I read the book, but it did remind me of a time in highschool where a bunch of us hooligans plastered Whopper wrappers from Burger King all over the front window of Jenny Craig. tst tst.
Hella were you apart of this? Or were you in hiding during a game of CB tag?

Ok Randi, no more testicles. A new post, however pointless it may turn out to be.

The fact of the matter is I hate black pens. Now don't go and get your knickers in a knot, I'm not a racist (I have a coloured tv). I won't not write with a black pen, but I do try to avoid it. I find I write a whole lot messier with black ink...and I blame the pen. I need a nice blue pen that writes with a thicker line. The ideal pen? The Medium Patermate Flexgrip Ultra Ballpoint Pen.
I won't even bother going into the fact that I'll steal a nice blue pen if I come across it. Rather, I take it and leave behind a black one that I hate.
I know. I have issues.

Do your balls hang low??

I need your help. Well..the help of the men out there, or some women who are willing to quiz their loved ones.

Mr. Sass decided to tell me that one of a man's testicles hangs a little lower then the other and that apparently correlates to what their dominant hand is. For example, if a man's right nut hangs lower then he is left handed, and visa versa. I'll say that it holds true in this house. I need to know if it's really true or if he's pulling my chain. Again.

Could you kindly do a little research for me?

This guy is clearly right handed if this holds true...

There's something wrong with this town....

Someone is always messing with the signs in this town. I've learned to always have my camera handy. I don't know how they got to this sign, unless it was the massive piles of snow around here, but I do know one thing: My momma ain't that cheap!

Happy Leap Year!

I couldn't let today go by without making a post..just because it's a leap year. That's the only novelty in it: to see the date say "February 29." Oddly enough, when I scan the mouse over the time/date on my computer, nothing comes up. I wonder why that is? Perhaps it just means my computer is going to blow up, or it's the end of the world. Meh.

As history tells it, St. Patrick would only allow women to propose to men on this day. Every other day of every other year, the men had to do it. This is where the idea of "Sadie Hawkins" day came about. That's about it for the history lesson. If you want more you can Google it, I'm busy.
I put this little picture up just because I call Mason "Goofy"..long story, but it reminds me of him :)

Celebrate!

It's Mackey's Birthday!

Dear Mackey,

In ancient times when someone special had a birthday, it was customary to make a virgin sacrifice. I'd love to do that for you, but I'm really sorry that I can't. I've already sacrificed my virginity to one of the lesser Gods.

Happy Birthday anyway!

Love, Sass

I've been making a mental list of things I want to do (I guess once I write them out, they are no longer mental right?). Nothing major, but they are for me.

1. Lasik eye surgery. I wan to be done with glasses contacts!! Actually, very few people have seen me in my goggles, but I can't be without my contacts. Such a pain in the ass.

2. Get a proper bra fitting. This will have to be done once I'm done feeding my child... The girls must be lifted and separated or I fear I might accidentally sit on one of them one day.

3. Get my teeth whitened. I don't think they are that bad. I don't smoke or drink coffee, but I do drink tea. Besides, a whiter, brighter smile makes you look younger (can you tell I watch a lot of those makeover shows?).

4. Change my hair. It's long. It's thin-ish. It's curly. I need a change. I just don't know what yet. I still want some length and maybe I should colour these virgin locks. I'm sick of pulling it back while I'm at home. There is just too much of it to deal with.

So yeah..that's it. My list. 3 of the 4 are easily doable...just when I don't know.

******
Random Mason shots:

He discovered his hands a couple weeks ago. They fascinate him to no end. He stares at them for 15 minutes at a time.

Smile!

Only from Exile...

Uncle Exile came by to see Mason just before the new year. He came bearing a gift. Knowing Exile, I was a little worried as to what it may be...

Don't let the crying fool you...he means it. Brin' it!

Thanks Ex! We love it!! The perfect amount of sass for Baby Sass.

We've hit a new low around here

When we moved into this house we banished the dog to eat in the garage. He had started to drag his kibble around the house which was driving me to drink. So off into the garage he went where he could make a mess if he wanted and I could care less. The other night we let him into the garage at about 6:00 to eat his dinner. At 9:00 I heard him crunching away on something in the kitchen. To our shock and complete horror the damn dog had puked up his dinner (from 3 hours ago) and was re-eating it 'with the family.' Sick.

I did note a few things though:
1. He really doesn't chew his food.
2. Why was the food still crunchy after 3 hours in the stomach?
3. I knew where the left over carrots from dinner went.

I almost stopped him from eating it, but it occurred to me that I'd just have to clean it up...so he finished as I gagged watching him...then I cleaned the floor. I clean enough puke around here I don't need to add dog puke to the list.

Oh happy day...erm... night

He slept from 9pm until 6am.
Oh happy am I!
Now sweetie, let's do this every night okay?

This one's for G-man!

Just because awhile ago G-man had mentioned something about a Metallica onsie when I had posted a picture of Mason with a mohawk. This was actually a gift from Auntie Hella. He finally fits in it...he weighs a whopping 11.2 lbs now!
Check it out:


Here's another one...it cracks me up. He's too cute. This is from Binsk:


Please note that the gift from EXILE deserves it's own post and picture spot..so stay tuned. I also need some time to get it off the camera.....it's a doozy!

Update :)

First, thanks to everyone who kept checking back, sent me hugs, called or emailed me or even just thought of us.
Mason is doing great. We went to see the pediatric cardiologist on Thursday. He did a bunch of tests and ultrasounds. He has a physiological heart murmur. Bottom line is it's not serious at all. It's a result of a valve not closing completely in his transition from being in-utero to being in the 'real' world. I could go into all the medical mumble jumble to explain it, but what's the point? He should outgrow it. We have to go back in 2 years to be checked out again. It seems so far away, but I'm sure it will fly by.
Tomorrow he goes to the family doctor to check up on his weight. Which is fine. Thanks you Cori for the wonderful websites and support you offered. It really helped. I guess I was just a little overwhelmed with everything.

Oh happy day!

Someone tell me it's ok?

We had our 6 week check-up at the doctor today. I didn't think anything was wrong what-so-ever with little Mason, but evidently there is. You know I hate that they tell you these things and then say "oh, but don't worry." Right. Mason is everything to me and I don't know what I'd do if something was wrong (frig, I admit that I cried when they took his blood...)

You see, apparently Mason should be somewhere around the 11 pound mark by now and he's only 8.9lbs. The doctor was concerned with the lack of 'grabbable' fat. Pair this with his height and head circumference being slightly below what he had expected and you get a worried mommy. I asked the doctor about him wanting to feed (nurse) every 1-1.5 hours the other day and he said not to worry, it's probably a growth spurt. Then he pulls the little man out and does the check-up and suddenly I have to supplement formula in to try to fatten him up. Who knew something from me wouldn't be fat enough! We go back in 2 weeks to see his weight gain and hopefully get his shots (he can't get them if he doesn't gain the weight). I wish it ended there. Mommy worry turned to worry+alarm+small breakdown in car when the doctor found a heart murmur and said he was going to refer him to a pediatric cardiologist to be checked out. He says it's just to be sure that everything is okay, but in my mind if you pair that up with the lack of 'adequate' weight gain, then maybe there is something wrong with my baby. Is a murmur serious?
I talked to a friend of mine with a son who was born the same weight to see what he weighed at 6 weeks (is it bad to compare?) and to use her for her ability to calm me down. I also talked to my friend K so I could cry a little and just have her listen to my probably insane ramblings. She called her mom and found out that her brother had the same thing as a baby and he's fine and it never limited him.
I guess I just need to hear that it will be okay and that it's probably nothing and that I'm not failing my son as his mother...

Mason was one month back on the 14th. Already! He's now almost 6 weeks and keeping me verrrry busy!
After all the wonderful comments about my boobs and a lovely suggestion from G-man, I'm seriously considering a comparative shot of the girls! hahaha Like Hippychic said: Happy baby, Happy Hubby!

Here's the happy baby at one month:

I think he knows he's going to get a bath...and he's about to give me a big pout!

Chillin in his chair! I took the straps off to show off one of many outfits that the bestest Auntie Hippychic sent!!

Mason trying to "rock the hawk" like his favourite cousin Will!

You know your boobs are big when....

While I was (very) pregnant, I had to buy a new winter jacket to fit over my stomach. I ended up getting one that was a lovely shade of green...a little on the 'bright' side. I joked about looking like a tank, but Hella said it better. She said I looked like a giant snowpea. I affectionately refer to my coat as the snowpea now ("honey, can you grab the snowpea for me?"). Now that the belly is gone, I wanted to go back to my regular (and more stylish) winter coat. I put it on and went to zip it up and low and behold, it was rather snug around the 'girls'. Snug enough that I could hear my mother saying "just because you can get it on doesn't mean it fits!" (a lesson many more people should listen to). Sadly, I hung it back up and returned to the snowpea.
Lord love a duck I think they enter the room before I do!

So yeah..the whole point of this? My boobs are big and I still look like a giant snowpea.

I think I'd like Stacey and Clinton from TLC's What Not to Wear and Gok from How to Look Good Naked to do me over. Not in that way. Perverts.

I want to learn how to dress better for my 'shape' (round is a shape) especially as I try to get back into some kind of shape after having Mason.

So please feel free to nominate me. Perhaps I'll start dressing like complete trash to encourage those around me to get me help. I'm going to go dig up my ol' stirrup pants and some over-sized shirts (hmmm shoulder pads?) and some sexy loafers or something....

Help me out!

Mason has a lot of family and friends who live far away. Most are in B.C. I want to start a blog especially for Mason so people can check up and see how he's doing and see recent pictures. I want to keep it completely separate from this blog and A Pea in the Pod . I really don't want anyone stumbling across this blog in particular. Sooooo I need some creative ideas for a name for this blog.
Any ideas? You guys came through with naming Cleetus the fetus, so I have high expectations!

When all is said and done, I will leave a link there for anyone who feels so inclined to check it out.

I was watching some Barrett-Jackson car auction (I don't know if I even have the name right. All I know is I never have control of the remote and I've watched countless hours of car shows!) the other day and a car sold for 5 million dollars, setting a record. It blows my mind that these people have this much money to 'blow' on cars for personal collections. The guy who bought this car is a 'regular' and I've seen him before. He buys all the time and is really hard to out-bid. I turned to Mr. Sass and wondered aloud if that guy would pay me 5 million dollars for my Neon. The response? "He has a car collection, not a wrecking yard."
Gee thanks. I nearly died. Good thing I did all those Kegal exercises or I would have peed my pants a little. Mr. One-liner these days. That one goes right up there with his loving comment about me in labour. Apparently I should be thankful (as he is) that I wasn't one of those really nasty, sweaty women after hours of labour. I think he should be thankful he's not the one giving birth damn it, especially if he values those pearly whites of his.
Anyhoo...sleep calls me name.
Cheers!

Happy New Year!!

It's been tradition since Mr. Sass and I have been together (almost 15 years!) that something always goes wrong with our New Years Plans, or they just suck altogether. Last year with Hella and Exile was pretty good, but this year was by far the best. For an over-rated holiday, I was beyond content staying at home in my jammies. At the stroke of mid-night (and yes, Hella I WAS awake!) I had my son in my arms and my husband by my side. Nothing beats having that little angel asleep on my chest! The perfect way to ring in the new year (okay a glass of wine would have been nice too)!

I'm starting the year by being grateful for all the wonderful blessings I have. I have incredible family and friends, a wonderful husband and the most beautiful son. Last year at this time I never would have thought I'd be a mom. Dreams do come true!

I told you I got the best Christmas present ever!

Mason's Christmas outfit. The tuque was waaaaaaay to big!

I couldn't resist....

I hope everyone has a very happy new year! I hope that 2008 brings you all that you wish for and more.

Muah!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! I know ours was extra special this year. I still have to take some pictures off our camera, but it seems that we are being inundated with visitors and having to go visit family. I don't mind at all, but I'm tired now! I can't even blame little Mason for this fatigue!

We're looking forward to a visit from Auntie Hella and Exile tomorrow! I wonder if Exile will bite the bullet and hold Mason?

In other news, Mason's "bebo" fell off yesterday. I was asked if I was going to keep it. That is nasty. No way jose! I can't believe 2 weeks has already passed...*sigh*

Typing with one hand takes a lot longer....

Wow..time really is flying by! I can't believe it's already the 23rd! Little Mason keeps us busy. That said, he's such a good boy. He hardly makes a peep. He wakes to eat then goes right back to sleep. I hope it continues this way! He's such a good snuggler. He gets right in there, sighs, and is down for the count. Like crazy new parents, we've been taking lots of pictures too.

We've had our worry this past week too. I knew something wasn't right, and at a Dr's appointment we had, the doctor confirmed that I needed to supplement with some formula because Mason was getting dehydrated. My milk hadn't come in yet and I was wondering how long this little one could go on colostrum. In any event, he's much better and I only had to supplement for about a day and a half. Really...who are we kidding? Once my milk came in, we were all set! Just look at the size of my guns...hehe

Here's a couple pics..just cuz I know Mackey is stalking. It makes us feel special :)

2 days old...this is the only thing that remotely fits! He's swimming in everything! We went out and bought preemie diapers and a couple sleepers! I know he'll grow fast though!

Snuggling with daddy...and yes we do actually put clothes on him!

After a bath :)

More soon!!

I'm a Mommy!

...and Hella owes Mackey some Timmies!

It's a boy!!

Mason Glen Martin
December 14th at 4:02 pm
6lbs, 14 oz

19 inches

I'm alive and well and appreciated all the well wishes and thoughts being sent our way. I'll post again soon and probably overdue it with pictures too.
Love you all!

Man...I'm so in love with this little guy!!

Hey Mackey - Hella wants to bet you $10 in Timmies gift certificates that I'm having a girl. You game?!?!

Tomorrow's the day I guess...wowzers! I can't wait to share the news!!

So much to do, so little time.....

The good, the bad and the ugly...

Yeah..I'm not really sure what fits in where with that title, but I really don't give a rat's ass at this point.

I finally put some pictures up from one of the baby showers I had a couple weeks ago. I don't have any from the other ones though :( I'm hoping some of my loving friends will email me some soon!

I had a fall on Friday, but everything is okay. I went to be checked out to be sure. It's just a very sore tail bone and wrist now. As long as the little one is okay I don't care about anything else.

We've managed to finish 95% of our Christmas shopping, now if only I could get Mr. Sass to bring up the tree! Argh!

Here's a 9 and a half month picture of me, since some of you are quite relentless at asking for pictures! Sorry, Os, I have my clothes on (trust me, it's better that way!). We finally got a new camera yesterday too! Woo hoo! I can take pictures again!

I purposely didn't crop the 'undesirable' parts out, and I left Mr. Cooper in. He's always at my side anyway. Main points: I'm big and I've 'dropped'..and oh yeah...that's what my feet look like!

I'm still here and I'm still pregnant.

We've got quite a bit of snow lately and I'm secretly (maybe not so secretly) glad I can't be out there shoveling it. I did feel bad watching Mr. Sass spend over an hour digging us out, but what could I do except have a hot tea and a snack waiting for him when he came back in? After one big snow fall we were on our way out and noticed a few neighbours out. What struck us was that at several different houses along the street you could see abandoned snow blowers in the middle of clear driveways while several neighbours congregated at one house having a few beers in the garage. This was the case at several houses!

It's times like these that I'm proud to be Canadian!


*Maybe if Mr. Sass is good then Santa will bring him a snowblower and he too can join this club of drunken blowers.

Am I just Paranoid?

First things first: Yesterday was Hella's bit 3-0!!! Go wish her a good one!

The other day I got a strange call. It was some guy, sounded fairly young. He started out by saying he wasn't going to try to sell me anything. Good because I don't need anything. He slurred some name of an alarm company and then proceeded to ask if I, or anyone, would be home the next day after lunch for someone to come by and show us this alarm system and how it worked. He could even just drop some information off. No pressure.

Red Flag.

He wants to know if someone will be home on a weekday afternoon and if we are interested in an alarm system. If I say no, no one will be home and we don't need an alarm, then he has some dangerous information. How do I know he isn't some creep canvasing the area to see what houses to break into?! Tis the time of year for people to do some desperate things right? I quickly cut him off and said we weren't interested because we already have an alarm system. He wanted to know if it was actually in use and if the house was constantly monitored. I told him yes, absolutely, and we also have a 150 pound dog who would rip the face off anyone trying to come in the house, so between the 2 measures, I thought the house was pretty darn safe and secure. He just hung up.

It could have been legit, but I'm not taking chances. The whole tone of the call was too shady. So I may have mentioned it to the police, just for interest sake, when I called to book an appointment to have my car seat checked. You just never know.

Side note: a small apology to my dog Cooper. I gave him an extra 50 pounds, but I wasn't joking about his mean side....just ask the refrigerator repair man...

I got a lovely Christmas card today in the mail. It was our first one. Too bad it's from someone who don't even know. They have a nice looking family...but fucked if I know who they are!

An update...

I see it's been awhile! Things kind of got a little hairy around here for awhile (and no this won't be yet another reference to some hairy crotch in a birthing video). Here's what's been going on (Cliff Notes version):

*I'm all showered out! My co-workers gave me a great (baby) shower on Wednesday. I thought I better specify it was a baby shower before anyone thought we had a massive bubble bath or something together. We got lots of really great stuff. Then on Sunday, my close friends gave me a shower! This time I was surprised! I got spoiled...and so did the baby!

*However, after some issues with my blood pressure, I ended up in the hospital on Sunday night. They did some tests (baby is fine!) and then when my pressure came down to a more normal level, they let me come home since I was going to see my doctor the next day. When I saw her she put me off work for a minimum of 48 hours to see if I could keep it down. I had to go for more tests yesterday and they all looked good. She said I could try work today. I did. Sadly, by 10:30 my bp was way up again and I felt like shit. It's not worth it. I'm done work now. 2 weeks earlier then anticipated, but I have to take care of myself and the wee one. I'll be back to visit the kidlets, since they really have no idea that I'm gone for good now. I have some serious guilt about that.

*Our digital camera has crapped out. What a time! We can still take some pictures when it wants to be nice...but we need a new one: Fast! So if any secret Santa wants to hook us up that would be great....

I think that's the gist of it now. Now that I have some more 'down' time I'll be hanging around again.

Seether! Seether! Seether!

So Hella texts me today at work. I send the kids out for recess and then nearly go into labour. Seether is coming to Toronto for 2 shows in January!!!!!
Ummmmmm hello?!?! I said SEETHER!! One of my favourite bands!!!!!

I wonder if I'll be able to make it. Wonder if I'll feel like it....I wonder...

Shit. I was hoping for a spring/summer concert!!

I wonder what is more depressing. Waking up for work and it still being dark out, or now with the time change, heading home and it being dark out.

Hmmmmm

Cooper is 5!

My little puppy is 5 now!

I'd say he's one whole paw...but dogs don't have thumbs. I made him a pancake for breakfast and then he got a new "baby" for a gift. This one is a "jumbo baby" though. It's the size of a (fuzzy) basketball with a head and some legs. I think it's a pig. It's so big he can't actually squeeze it to make it honk. He has to put it into his mouth and then bash it against the floor.

Good times.
I think I'm one of those silly and somewhat pathetic pet owners. Cut me some slack, I didn't make him a real cake or anything.
There was no time.

Decisions, Decisions!

I have a decision to make.

I wanted to get a 3D ultrasound done. Just for fun. The only problem is, I am further along (35 weeks tomorrow) then they usually do for this type of thing. The problem is that if the baby has dropped (I really have no clue at this point) then getting a picture will be hard/impossible. Secondly, the baby is big now and may be too squished to get a clear picture. However, they have done great pictures with women as far along as me, but there is no guarantee. I have a tentative appointment for next week. The sitting fee is $100.00 no matter what. Which means even if they can't get a nice picture, I'm out $100. I don't know what to do. I'm not made of money (sadly enough).

Try and hope for the best?
Leave it?

What would you do if you were me?

I was at my doctor's appointment last week and there was this lady there with her husband. First, I have to say that once you do the whole pee on a stick and show the receptionist thing, they weigh you. Except the scale is right there in the middle of the room and although she tries to be quiet, she announces your weight and how much you've gained. I admit I listen in to other people's weight and have even looked at the scale while I'm in line to be weighed, so it's not unreasonable to assume that people do the same for me (*gulp*). However, this time, this lady being weighed was practically skin and bones. She was very petite indeed. She had a nice little bump going that maybe suggest about 5 months (but who knows since she's so tiny). Anyway, she gets on the scale, and do you know how much she weighs?!?! 86 pounds.
86 fucking pounds.

I actually dropped the magazine I was reading and looked over. I resisted the urge to dig through my bag to find any morsel of food, or to start a collection around the room to get this poor girl a sandwich! 86 pounds. Wow.

It would be really not nice of me to say she needs to be shot, especially since she's carry a baby, but the thought did cross my mind.

86 pounds.


**new ultrasound pics over at A Pea in the Pod!**