Fun with Photos...

Here are a few pics from the bachelorette party from the other weekend:

First, we had a special guest. We named him Stan (or was it Steve?): Let me enlighten you.

"It's high noon so aim your barrel at this bandana clad cowboy. There's never enough time for his loaded gun. Blow him up and he's ready to go with his magnificent 7 inches. You can't quit his open and ready mouth. He's a bone-anza of cowboy lovin' with those big brown eyes beggin' for a mouthful of your T-bone steak. His tight and ready butt will stand it as long as you can ride it. Put him in your ranch bed and ride 'em cowboy!"

A few of the girls who came out to party with the bride and Stan. It was decided that Stan should at least where some chones while in the restaurant...but it was clear he was packin'.

Stan had a little competition for the bride's attention when Tranny Tina showed up to serenade our dear friend. I think I may have peed my pants just a little....

Who would buy someone something like these?!?!

I'm Baaaaack!

It was so nice to get away for an extended weekend! There was lots of relaxing and swimming! I think I could easily spent the whole summer at the cottage. Very little beats waking up and heading straight down to the dock to enjoy the quietness. If I wasn't pregnant, there would be a big mug of tea in my hand! Good times!
Now it's time to gear up for my friend's wedding this weekend. Once again a bridesmaid and I can't wait.
I promise to post pictures of tranny Tiny, the cottage and the wedding soon!
Apparently after a relaxing weekend, I'm drained!
Why is that?

Off to the cottage,
Much needed relaxation,
Time spent with family.

Harry Potter book,
Midnight tonight it arrives,
Too bad I'm away!

Can it be shipped out
To butt-fuck Idaho lake?
Guess I'm out of luck.

4 years...

It's my anniversary today! 4 years ago Mr. Sass and I got married:

July 19, 2003

I love this picture of the girls and I!
Cheers!

*Update: Cooper seems to be doing much better now. He's walking again which Mr. Sass is thankful for. I guess carrying around a 100 pound dog is not so enjoyable? All it took was a couple of stressful days and a $700 vet bill I guess. Oh and some pretty harsh pain killers. The dog drools...

You'll have to wait a bit more...

Bridesmaid dress fitting. Not too many tears.
Sadly, a friend's father has passed away suddenly, so I'm heading out of town tomorrow for the night. Keep their family in your prayers please.
Cooper has also been hurt in some way. He's drugged up and goes for x-rays tomorrow. We think it's his hips. I've never heard him scream and cry and moan in pain like that. I think I cried just as much. I'm sure he'll be back to his old self soon enough, but I can't help but worry.
Ultrasound tomorrow.

So, I guess you have to wait to see what a bride, and inflatable man's man and transvestite Tiny have in common.
Sorry to disappoint.

What does 1 bride,
an inflatable "man's man,"
and a transvestite have in common?

You'll see.

Haiku Friday

Bachelorette party,
How Sassy got her groove back,
Long time since I've 'danced'...

Hooked on Big Brother,
Jesus Amber enough tears!
Won't say anymore.

Painting's almost done,
Thanks to my girls who helped out.
Now, the baby's room!

I wonder what they do for fun in "Fucking?"

I wonder if this place truly exists or it's some kind of internet sham? If so, it's right up there with Dildo Newfoundland!

Maybe my next vacation will be to Fucking Austria! Anyone want to cum...*ahem* come?

As I was saying to the lovely Mackey, I'm in the biggest funk for something interesting to say.

I saw the best sign this morning on my way into help at the family business (I'm insane..I know). It was one of those 'rearranged by punks' jobs. It read "SLUT: COCK PRO, Free Balls" and I didn't even have my camera. That has had me depressed all day, because by the time I passed again and the thought occurred to me to use my phone, it had been fixed. DAMN IT!

Although in my eyes, I still laugh my ass off at the thought of a Hot Rodeo Penis...

Hot wax can be a dangerous thing...

I took Friday to relax from the painting and housework I've been doing. I decided to get a pedicure and have my eyebrows waxed. It was about time. I had a dinner party to go to on Saturday and I didn't want any unibrow or unwanted hairs casting shadows over my face. I've been waxing for years, and I only trust this one place. I've never really had a problem, until now. Let's make one thing crystal clear to start: I don't have hairy eyelids. So why the lady had wax (did it drip down?) on my eyelid I'll never know. Anyway, she tore the strip off and with it came half the skin on my lid. I didn't realize it at first. I just thought it was a little more painful this time around. 3 hours later I was out with my mom. We saw a movie and went to dinner. I guess after truly seeing me in the light she asks, "What the hell happened to your eye?" It was swollen and bloody and (still) hurts to the touch.
It's scabbed over now, but I look like an abuse victim.
Definitely not worth the $10 this time, but my toes look great, so I'll go back. Just not to the crazy wax lady. Thank God it wasn't a bikini wax.

A Pseudo-Sorta-Kinda-but not really-HNT Shocker

It just so happens that I'm posting this picture now. And it just so happens it was taken on Canada Day (July 1)! So perhaps I can pass it off as an HNT shot? Didn't think so.

Anyways, I was at a park with Mr. Sass, Hella and her boy (and some old friends). We decided to play a round of mini-golf. You have to pay for it at the snack bar. While we were in line, what did my wee little eyes see on the menu?

You have got to be kidding me!

You can purchase the 'shocker' for $0.10!!

All the girls at the counter were about 15 years old, so I'm wondering how they get away with this legally? Sadly, there were no takers in our group.
Maybe next time.

Bad Blogger Update

So I managed to throw a haiku together on Friday, but since then haven't bothered to write anything. I think I've finally caught up on rest after last week. Last week was hot again as we finished up school. I'm really sad to say goodbye to this group. This has been the best year so far. Never have I had a class that was so enthusiastic about everything, loved everything, was so curious and who went above and beyond anything I ever asked of them. A dream class. I got spoiled by the kids and the parents too, but the heartfelt letters from a couple of their parents really brought tears to my eyes. That's the best gift!

Hella and her son came down for the weekend for Canada day! As always it was way to much fun to see her. She came baring gifts for little Bean too! Which reminds me, I hope she noticed that I was on my 'better than usual' behaviour with her son, since I know that she'll be returning everything I've ever done/bought/said with her son. We spent a nice afternoon at the park with an old high school friend and his kids. The fireworks were pretty good, but I was friggen freezing!!! Shocking I know. It's not usually that cold at night! Jebus!

Now on my first official day of summer vacation, I can say I've had 2 naps! The delivery guy got a show of me soaking wet in a towel as I raced out the door so he wouldn't leave (he was early for the record! When does that ever happen?!). Sorry folks, no pictures of that! I've also started the daunting task of painting the family room. I hope to post before and after pics at some point. I've only finished taping the room. Mr. Sass needs to move some furniture for me. Now I'm off to get the paint!

Canada day eh! Haiku - ish

Schools out for summer,
How did I spend my first day?
Cleaning my classroom.


Hella's coming down!
Celebrating the beaver,
Canada day eh!


Saying goodbye sucks,
Even if it's more like a
see you later babe!

Oh yeah.... 2 more days!
If I don't sweat to death by then.

Check this out!!

I finally got this to scan properly!
It's my 13 week ultrasound picture:


His/her head is on the right and both arms are up. You can see the spine and the legs too.
Who knew something so small could instantly melt my heart and make me so happy?

Side note: I've started a baby blog. It's only started, but together we shall grow..hehe.

A Pea in the Pod

Swussy central?

God, it was hot today.
I didn't think I could sweat from so many places.
But I did.

I paint such a lovely picture of myself don't I?

I found it!
I found it!
I found it! Found it! Found it!

The gift certificate has been found!

YESSSSS!

Thanks for well wishes
with my baby announcement
Tears brought to my eyes.

Can't wait to share all,
pictures, anecdotes, et al.
Minus the vag shots.

Four more days to go,
Summer vacation will start,
don't be a hater...

An Extra Special HNT this week...

It's time.
Time to spill the beans.

This shall be my final HNT for awhile. I'm sure I'll get creative once and awhile, but for now, my energy and thoughts are elsewhere.

I'm Expecting my first child in December!!!

I'm thrilled, excited, scared...all these emotions! I'm already 15 weeks along. I can't complain. It's been smooth sailing so far (I wonder if I'll pay for it later?). No morning sickness at all, no nasty mood swings: Nothing. Just fatigue in the beginning like nothing I've ever felt before. I haven't even gained any weight yet! I've somehow managed to loose a few pounds.

It wasn't until I took this picture that I realized I have a ponch on me now. A wee baby bump. I debated posting this picture because it took me by surprise...I didn't realize how things had changed. Then I thought "ahhh screw it! I'm pregnant. It's only going to get bigger from here!"

Happy HNT!

Camping Nazi...

I am alive.
I was away camping this past weekend. It was a girls camping weekend. Insanely fun..but I think I've been eaten alive by mosquitoes.
And I scratch them. Fuck it. When the itch wakes me up, I'm scratching. Little bastards. One got me right in the top of my butt crack too. I think I'll leave that one alone. I don't want to look t0o 'classy' walking around scratching my ass like I haven't washed in a week.

My car is still broke. Mr. Sass is trying desperately to fix it after work. I don't know how he does it in this heat after putting in a full day at work. I appreciate the effort and the fact that he does it for me makes me feel special...but I really do miss having my car. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I'll post again soon..when I have something exciting to say....which shall be soon.

This, that and the other...a day of shit.

It's just been one of those days.

Work was tiring.
My mom had surgery on her knee today and I had to go pick her up. The nurse called me at work to let me know everything was okay and to tell me I should come get her immediately. The problem was it was only 3:00 and I'm not finished work until 3:30, and it's easily a 20 minute drive. I had visions of my mom waiting around in pain and nurses thinking I'm some insensitive bitch of a daughter. My mother kept telling me not to rush and not to worry, but still I did. I managed to get someone to cover my class and left within 10 minutes.

I was 2 minutes from the hospital when my car 'broke' down. It overheated and the car was 'dinging' at me to pull over. I honestly thought 'fuck it' I'm this close, so I continued on. Short end of the story? It seems my fans aren't kicking in so my car overheated. It better not be the relay switch because we just fixed that last summer. The only way to get my car back to the shop was to drive with the heat on full blast...in 25 degree weather. Peachy.
Got mom home safe and sound (in her car thank God! Mr. Sass drove my hotter than hell car to the shop and I took mom's car which was already at the hospital) and settled at home. We had some dinner and chatted. I was about to head home when we noticed her bandages were blood soaked right through the tensor and onto the white capri pants she was wearing. We got her upstairs so I could have a look. Blood, blood and more blood. I got everything off, except the very first bandage they put on. We weren't given any of the large bandages she had so I improvised with maxi pads. My Girl Guide leader would have been so proud...if she hadn't kicked me out of Guides when I was 10. Oh well. It was a little hairy by Dr. Sassy got things under control and mom is resting comfortably. Mr. Sass had to leave to the 'shwa for a delivery which left me driving the 65 Mustang back home. It was an event.
I'm glad to be home, but damn am I tired and ready for this day to be over!!
Sweet dreams!

Tagged by CruiserMel.

Here are 7 facts/habits/oddities about yours truly. I think I've done something similar in the past, but I'll be damned if I can find it. Besides, I'm always willing to play along! I'll try to think of some new things...

1. I'm looking for the perfect way to commit a crime and get away with it, because, if my husband gets one more speeding ticket he's a goner.

2. In the shower I follow a pretty strict order of events. If I forget something, or I change it up, it throws my whole day off. I'm a loser like that.

3. I can't stand when people walk on the backs of their shoes instead of putting them on. Take a minute you chimp...or buy slip-ons.

4. I like the smell of horse shit. There I said it. It doesn't mean I walk around sticking my nose up a horses ass. Anything smells better then my husband's farts.

5. I really want to learn another language...or brush up on the second one I have so I feel confident using it again. Funny how the ability to cuss someone out never seems to be lost...

6. I'm a complete idiot when it comes to keeping plants alive. Most of you know this. However, I dug a new garden in my backyard with the help of my neighbour. I lie awake at night wondering if (more like when) it will die.

7. Always a crowd pleaser: I'm afraid of ET. Yes, the little alien from the movies. Gives me the serious heebie jeebies.

I'll have seconds please!

I'm no stranger to "panty-soup." Especially when you show me a picture of a man in a kilt or Brad...or Angelina...or mmmm a man with an accent and a pierced eyebrow.

See what I mean? Maybe you don't want to.

Either way, this is something new to me:

I kinda figured it would be a creamy soup though.


*********

On a side note (and nothing to do with any kind of soup!):

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my "little" brother!

Thunderboomer Haiku

Sitting home alone,
A big summer storm has hit,
Thunder shakes the house.

There's something about
rain, black clouds and loud thunder
that gets me horny.

I've looked high and low,
Gift certificate still lost,
I'm about to peek.

I had a reallllllly cool afternoon.
Who knew something so little could make your day?

At some point in life, as you get older, you'd think the childish drama would stop.
Not so.
Some people still behave as if we were all in grade 7. I'm half expecting to hear "well you're not coming to my birthday party" and "we're not talking to you so humph!"
I'd like to avoid it all together. I've said it before, even though I come off the complete opposite, I hate conflict and confrontation. I'm the peace keeper. That said, I will speak my mind if I'm pissed enough or my friends are being hurt. It's getting to that point. I just don't want to start any more waves and make things worse.

What kills me is if you have a problem with a person/group of people, say it to their face! Don't run your gob hole off behind their back and run to tattle and make threats to others.

Buck up. Cowards.
Or is it that you know you are being petty and stupid?

Part of me would really like to bitch slap one person and twist the balls of another who is a repeat offender.
But I'm a lady.

Stop laughing.
I am.

I seem to have lost a gift certificate for a large amount of money.

If anyone has seen it, it would be nice to have it back. I don't want the person to know I've lost it. Besides, I really need it. I have some painting I'd like to get done before the summer.

This kind of shit really pisses me off.

Dirty little secrets??

Tagged by Hella:

1. What's in your wallet? Money (not much!), pictures, assorted cards, highschool picture of Mr. Sass where he looks like Jesus.
2. Whats under your bed? Nothing. Maybe a tumbleweed of dog hair at times.
3. What's on that way top shelf or in the very far back of your closet? A box with some old memory items in it..and some toys of sorts.
4. Whats in your underwear drawer? A whole lot of underwear!! Thongs mostly.
5. Whats in the trunk of your car? Up until last week it was full of car parts for one of the POS belonging to Mr. Sass. Now there is only windshield washer fluid, a map book and some windex.
6. What colour is the underwear you are wearing right now? They happen to be white and red and say "Cockpit Lover"
7. Do you have a super-secret hiding place and what's in it? No, not really. Nothing to hide I guess.
8. Do you feel guilty about something right now, if yes what? No...should I feel guilty about finishing the rainbow sorbet though?
9. What is the most embarrassing thing in your room right now? It's a toss up: the husband or the dog. I'm kidding. I can't think of a thing...
10. Have you done something recently you hope no one finds out about? Alllll the time.
11. What is your last thought before you fall asleep? God, I hope I wake up. There is so much I want to see and do. That and...geeze I'll probably be up in 2 hours to pee.
12. How long have those leftovers been in the fridge? A day or 2 max. Mr. Sass will eat anything.
13. If I confiscated your computer and took a look around....what would I find? Some interesting pics no doubt, some of my writing, and other little treats and such no doubt.
14. Do you sleep with anything? My husband and a stuffed Hippo named Flora that he gave me. It makes a good bed divider. He can stay to the left of Flora, but as soon as he creeps over, she attacks.
15. What is your midnight snack weakness? I'm too lazy to eat at night, especially if I have to go down and get it.
16. Have you ever shop lifted? Yes, as a kid. A Tiffany poster.
17. Have you ever vandalized anything? Several things. I think my 'mark' is all over Ontario's landmarks.
18. Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? We are on a first name basis.
19. What do you wait until no one is looking to do? Hella had it right: adjust my thong.

You can play if you want now.

It's not always as it appears...

This morning I turned on the tv for a little background noise while I made something to eat.
I had my back to the screen and the following conversation filled the room:

Man #1 - Whoooa!!
Man #2 - That's my rod your hand is on.
Man #1 - Look at the size of it! It's huge! Yes, yes, yeeessss!
Man #2 - Shake it off a bit, get a good look.
Man #1 - It's a 2-hander for sure.
Man #2 - (Laughing) This is greeeattt!

Wondering what the hell my husband had on the tv the night before, I spun around.

It was a fishing show.

Not so anon HNT

I've decided to post this picture.
I've had it sitting around for awhile, and will be recycling it per se. Some may have seen it, but didn't know it was me. I guess I've been hiding a few things these days.

Besides, this warm weather and sunshine has put me in the best mood ever. I'm feeling a little sassy too.Happy HNT!

That's one chunky burp

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before, but my dog burps and farts as loud (if not louder than some!) humans.

Hella can attest to this.

Particularly enjoyable is the after dinner burp. Like clockwork, the dog comes in from eating his dinner and meanders over to where one of us is sitting. He gives that cute puppy dog look so you bend down do pat him and scratch his face...then he burps. Opens that huge yap of his and burps. Then walks away.

Today a piece of kibble came flying back up (proof he inhales his food, doesn't chew it) and hit me in the nose.

I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Do other dogs do this?!

Showers, babies and endless yapping...

Again - I find that I have nothing interesting to say.

I think I'm still tired from the weekend. The bridal shower was a great success despite the rain and the intention to hold it outside. We fit nicely inside and people weren't bothered. However, it seems that Mr. Sass had volunteered us to take our friends 2 kids for the weekend. It only proved that he doesn't listen to a word I say unless he hears key words like "sex" or "steak." So he had the kids from Friday night until about 6:30 Saturday evening.
They are still alive.
They were happy and well cared for. I wasn't worried, but it's always nice to joke at the situation. Mind you there was no rest for me when I got home. I took over so poor Mr. Sass could sleep.
It's amazing how much you can get done before 9 am.
It's also amazing how fascinating a tower of cd's or a bookshelf full of books is so appealing to a newly crawling 10 month old.
Even more amazing is how an almost 7 year old can fill every waking minute with talking. If we didn't love him so much and enjoy the (endless) banter I would have duct taped his mouth by hour 2.
So that's my weekend in a nutshell.

1 surprise bridal shower planned
3 girls (and a pajama-jammie-jam!)
1 late night preparing
20 guests
rain
One happy bride who didn't kills us, after she specifically said "no showers."
Perfect.

Can't a gal get a nap around here??

Got home from work today, extremely hot and tired.
I thought I'd grab a quick nap before getting some much needed errands done. I stripped off my clothes, down to just my panties (that's for you Binsk) and a t-shirt and climbed into bed. Just as I drifted off, I felt a cold wet nose in the crack of my ass. Right up there.
I think I shit a kitten.
I'm awake now.

Either my ass smells like a mild bone or the damn dog wanted his walk and wasn't going to wait.
I hope to hell it's the ladder...

What's that saying about the shoe maker's kids never having shoes?
Well the same goes for the mechanic's wife. Her car doesn't get the attention it needs, unless it's main driver (me) yells and hollers or threatens to take it to someone else.

30 degrees today. Hot. Someone broke my sunroof about 2 years ago after the brighter-more-sane minded one of the couple said, "stop playing with it you baboon, you'll break it." Broken.
Air conditioning - shitty. Needs to be topped up or something. Apparently I have some kind of leak. Doesn't cool things off very well.
The clincher? The driver's side window doesn't work either. The power window motor crapped out. $500 for a new one.

Welcome to the ghetto car. Someone do me a favour and steal it.

**Edit: Wouldn't you know it. I play the bitch and complain and what does the man show up with? A new motor and all the tools to fix it here at home so I don't have to go another day...
"foot in mouth and head up ass..."

Food Meme - Thanks Os.

1. Add a direct link to your post below the name of the person who tagged you. Include the city/state and country you’re in.

Nicole (Sydney, Australia)
velverse (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)
LB (San Giovanni in Marignano, Italy)
Selba (Jakarta, Indonesia)
Olivia (London, England)
ML (Utah, USA)
Lotus (Toronto, Canada)
tanabata (Saitama, Japan)
Andi (Dallas [ish], Texas, United States)
Todd (Louisville, Kentucky, United States)
miss kendra (los angeles, california, u.s.a)
Jiggs Casey (Berkeley, CA, USA! USA! USA!)
Lee Ann (Birmingham, AL, United States)
Osbasso (Helena, MT, USA)
Sassy (Ontario, Canada)

2. List out your top 5 favorite places to eat at your location.

I guess I'm pretty simple:

1. Swiss Chalet - chicken and rib place. I worked at one for about 4 years, so I'm cool with their food prep and such. I can eat it and not really worry too much.

2. Jack Astors - Hockey. Beer. Wings.

3. Tim Hortons - Like I said: Simple. Tea and a bagel. Perfect.

4. Sahla Thai - Oh my giddy God. The best Thai food ever!

5. East Side Marios - Badda-boom Badda-bing. I prefer to eat mostly the salad and then package up the pasta for later.

3. Tag 5 other people (preferably from other countries/states) and let them know they’ve been tagged.

Tag yourself. I'm too lazy. And now I'm hungry.

Karma will get you every time....

I swear I need another day to re-cooperate, after the long weekend! I barely made it home I was so tired! We were on the go non-stop all weekend. Besides a few social activities, I got every window (inside and out) cleaned and my garden is now underway. Good times.

How's this for Karma?:

A man tried to kill his wife by stopping the car on a set of train tracks. He actually pulled around several waiting cars. He positioned the car with the passenger side facing the on-coming train with his wife inside. As the train approached he got out and ran.
This is where Karma is a great thing...
The train hit the car and sent the car barrelling into the man as he ran away, killing him. The woman inside was not seriously injured.

Serves you right asshole.

Time to party!!

It's Hippychic's Birthday!!

Hope it's a great one babe! Filled with lots of cake, friends and many sweet memories!

Go wish her!!
Click here.

Drinking holiday Haiku:

Long weekend is here,
drinking weekend: "May 2-4"
First of the season.

Used to go camping,
This year, staying close to home.
No camping or beer.

Cleaning/gardening,
Sure know how to live it up!
I know you're jealous.

** A little cultural tip: in Canada, a "2-4" is a case of 24 beer. We love our beer. Since this holiday falls on the last Monday, on or before May 24th, and it marks the beginning of the 'summer' holiday season (read: drinking more beer than in the winter season), it gets affectionately called the '2-4' since that's how we will honour Queen Victoria: by drinking ourselves stupid.

Chocolatey Sweet HNT

How do you top banana chips? Any way will do.
From the nastiest to bestest!

A little Os bird told me it was the 2 year anniversary of HNT. When a celebration comes around, I'd rather skip any cake, pie or any other celebratory dessert. Nothing compares to a chocolate covered strawberry!

I made these ones for Mother's day to take to my mom's. It took a lot of convincing to my family that I actually made them. My mother is notorious for not cooking/baking. She passes off desserts all the time as home-made, even when they are still in their wrapping. She'd try to pass off an Oreo cookie if you gave her the chance. Mr. Sass came to my rescue and defended the fact that I did make them, and I didn't completely inherit all ineptness in the kitchen (I'm kidding mom. When you do cook, it's yummy. Dried out, but yummy!).
This was taken after the big day with some left over berries. I got busted. I was eating them for breakfast.
Apparently when fruit has chocolate on it, it no longer classifies as an acceptable dessert?!
Dream on!

Busted! Sleepy eyes...or is that a "back off from my berry" look?

My slightly pissed, "stop taking pictures of me dammit!" look. Maybe it was more of a "back away from the plate" look?

Bon Appetit and Happy 2 Year HNT Anniversary!

Gag me with a spoon

I hate banana chips.

If I was ever captured by insane enemies who wanted to torture me for information, all they would have to do is roll out a big bowl of banana chips. I'd talk instantly.
In kindergarden they use to feed us snack and sometimes it was banana chips. Stubborn me would sit and refuse to eat them. I had to sit there until I ate them. By the time it was time for me to get on the bus to go home, my teacher would send me off, clearly annoyed that I didn't eat anything. I won that battle every time.

I can't get over the texture, the taste, the smell.
That, and they remind of cat anus.
I'm not eating it. Ever.

Happy Mother's Day!!

A very Happy Mother's Day to all my blogger friends who are mommies :)

This is my mom:

I'm very blessed to have a mom like her! She has taught me so much, made me into a strong person, was always there for me, and put up with me during my 'difficult years'. I loveth her very much!

I also wanted to say a very special to Happy Mother's Day to Hella! Another fantastic mom!
Hope your day is special babe!

3-0 Haiku for Randi:

Tomorrow's the day,
Randi's milestone birthday,
Go on and wish her!

Cake and best wishes,
Maybe some naughty fun too?
It's all about her!

Wish I could be there,
Party with you in person,
Lay birthday smacks down.

Maybe she thought she was a kangaroo?

I'm listening to the news this morning and I hear a story about a crackdown in a jail in Ireland. They went through and confiscated a whole bunch of things: drugs, weapons, cell phones, etc. However, the most bizarre thing they found was a budgie. A real live budgie. It was apparently the pet of one of the incarcerated men. Officials speculate it was 'smuggled' in through a female visitor.

Aren't pussies and birds not suppose to get along?
It brings new meaning to when someone says the pussy ate the bird.

Domanickle pickle to the rescue :)

I'm just having one of those days today.
I'm tired.
I'm moody.
I'm emotional.
I'm hungry, but too lazy to eat anything besides some fruit and crackers.
I'm achy.
I feel that if I say anything I'll just sound stupid.

I'm going for a walk to clear my head and hopefully perk up! I have no idea if I'll get to posting an HNT picture later, but I do have one of Domanick. Those close to me know how special he is to me, and the relationship we have. I can't believe he will be 7 in July. He's such an amazing boy! Time flies. I could spend every minute with him. I love that as soon as I arrive, he instantly crawls into my arms and snuggles close to whisper 'secrets' in my ear. He has the best laugh ever, and gives me such heart attacks when he shows me the 'tricks' he can do on his bike.


Jeeze, I feel better already.
Gotta love that.

Happy Birthday Exile - Even know you are away with your sweetheart, I'm sending big squishy birthday hugs your way! A couple more years and you'll have to iron that birthday suit of yours ;-)

You want to drill me?

I'm back from my dentist appointment. I've been dreading this one for weeks. I admit that I have a fear of dentists, yet I go every 4 months. Last visit (a couple of weeks ago), the dentist makes plans to do these 'fillings.' I don't have cavities, yet we have to fill something. He's been saying for years that we should yank my wisdom teeth, but admits that there was nothing wrong with the way they were coming in. My train of thought floats around, "why the hell cause unnecessary pain and suffering to pull some silly teeth? Let's wait and see what happens."
It may come as no shock to many, but my mouth is plenty big enough to hold all wisdom teeth, with a little extra room to boot. This is where today's visit comes in. Dentist-man says I have some deep grooves in my wisdom teeth that could become the breeding ground for cavities later. The solution? Fill them in, file them down, etc, etc. Preventative measure.
I point blank asked him, "Do you need a new car or something?"
He has a good sense of humour, but books my appointment anyway.

45 minutes and $550.00 later, my teeth are filled-ish (it was weird what he did, but I can't complain because there was no freezing or pain).
Thank God for insurance.
I did notice a brand new BMW in the lot though. I wonder if it's his?

I might like the handcuffs

I stole a birthday card from Wal-Mart on Saturday.
I put it in the top of the cart and then my purse got placed on top. I didn't want it to get crushed with all the other crap I had to pick up. When I checked out, I had my debit card ready...forgetting about the card. I didn't realize it until I had returned to the car and went to put the cart back.
Ooops!
I honestly looked around wondering if anyone followed me or knew. I even toyed with the idea of going back in to pay for it. However, this time, my bladder won. I tossed the card in the front seat and drove away so I could go home to pee.
I'm a thief.
All for $3.00

Someone out there will be getting a contraband birthday card I guess. I wonder if this means I should spend a bit more on their gift?

Paris Hilton gets 45 days in jail.
Some cupcake prison like Martha Stewart got no doubt. Still, a step down for this "heiress."
I'll miss my Paris Hilton sex tapes, but at the same time I hope to hell none emerge from this stay.
*shudders*

My pussy's in a tree Haiku

Cat stuck in a tree,
Lady with really long pole,
Three dogs at tree base.

Good luck with that miss,
that kitty won't budge a paw,
with mangy mutts there.

Sunny weather here,
tackling the garden and lawn,
wish I had green thumb.

Right now I'm colder than a witches tit in a brass bra, face down in the snow.
Yet the sun is shining and people are running around in t-shirts.
Go figure.
I can't get warm.

I don't stress too much. I tend to keep a pretty even (even laid back) temperament. It drives my teaching partner crazy since she tends to be a stress ball. I think we are good for each other. I calm her down, she gets me going.

There is one thing that stresses me out though. Consistently. There is no real way to say this without sounding like a complete dork, so I'm just going to say it.

The bank machines stress me out. More specifically, when making a deposit. It stresses me out to make sure everything is in the envelope and it's sealed. The open deposit door waiting for it's envelope and things turning away. In my mind I think 'what if I don't get it in in time? I'll probably be charged with fraud.' It's never happened, but what if.

I figure if I had some more money to deposit more regularly...then this stress would disappear. Feel free to send me cash.

Tax Deadline tonight.

This is the first year I've had to owe money. I always get a nice lump sum back...this sucks. It's not a lot of money, but dammit, I've waited until the last day to give it to them.
I hope someone chokes on it.
And dies.

At least this is something Haiku!

What a busy week,
I know just how this cat feels,
minus the kibble.

Company's coming,
University girlfriends,
Good times to be had.

Neglecting my blog,
Nothing important to say,
Make some excitement!

10:45 - Snack time. Ms. Sassy's world.

Direct quote: "Stop sucking that (fruit roll-up) like it's a nipple and suck it like it's my...."

I interjected at that point. I should have let him finish. I'm curious.

-ish

The best suffix to any word.
I've only just realized just how much I use it (both in speech and written). The key is to pause before you say the 'ish'. Perhaps it's that I don't want to commit to any one idea/verb and saying that I'm that verb...so I add the 'ish' to it. Today, I'm tired-ish. The movie I watched last night was interesting-ish.
Get it?

This is evidence #2 that I have nothing interesting-ish to say.
Sorry.

Weekend re-cap

Monday.
Meh.

I don't usually re-cap the weekend (do I?), but I feel like I've been neglecting the ol' blog here. And neglect I must! The weather was fantastic this weekend! The temperature gauge in the car read +27! We opted for a cruise in the convertable, resulting in a slight sun burn for Mr. Sass, but that lucky bugger will have a nice dark tan by Tuesday. It takes me months to get any colour, and then it's starting to snow again!

We got some work done around the outside of the house, which is a bonus. Our redneck neighbours were actually out doing something too. Shocking! Nice people, but unless their grass is up to their knees, there seems to be no sense is cutting it! Oh well, who am I to say anything? It's not my yard. I don't have a green thumb, but at least it's kept.

I finished a really good book and watched a couple movies too. I actually stayed awake too! Something must be wrong with me! I watched Flyboys and Blood Diamonds. Both very good. Flyboys fascinated me a bit, because my grandfather (and his brothers) flew planes in WWII. His brother was shot from the sky from Nazi's and survived. A German family took him in (rescued him!) and mended him. They took care of him for over a year in fact, until he could come home. Insane!

On that note, I'm exhausted.
Till tomorrow.

Finally a sunny warm day - Haiku

Emotional week
many many ups and downs
wish they were in bed!

Ready for some sun,
Perhaps a walk by the lake,
Get some perspective.

Taking Mr. Sass
for procedure on his knee
this is the second.

Nothing serious,
just diagnostic measures
swollen up to hell!

"Before Shot" HNT

I was rummaging around a drawer and I found this 'get up.' It has matching panties too. Anyone knowing my fetish for them would have guessed though! A little stomach shot this time...a before picture if you will. I've committed myself to jogging each morning since the weather started improving and have kept up with it. I walk a lot, but I'm sure the jogging will help firm up things a little quicker. Let's see where this picture takes us in a couple months eh? Maybe one day I'll get the ol' navel pierced. ;-)

Happy HNT!

Pass the hockey helmet...

This kid's a window licker.
Luckily, I happen to love window lickers. I love this one in particular to the moon and back.
He's learned most of his bad habits from his Auntie Sass.

Thinking Blogger Award

Just when things were looking a little grey and uncertain, Hippychic finds a way to make me smile. It seems my wee Hippy Lass has nominated me for the "Thinking Blogger" award! She herself was nominated and then has to nominate 5 more people. I'm thinking that instead of a 'thought-provoking' blog, I have a more of a head scratching, "what the hell was she thinking?" kind of blog! Either way: Much appreciated!

Now I have to nominate 5 blogs! So here are my nominations:
**I'm assuming I can't re-nominate Hippychic? Cause if I can, you can just accept 6 nominations and slot Ms. Hippychic right there at the top!

Hella - My girl Hella manages to cover all the bases on her blog. You get a good idea of the real and amazingly awesome person she really is. She makes you think (but don't blame her for the burning smell) and makes you laugh. Her ability to identify the most obscure songs/artists has me thinking she was a music carnie in a previous life.

Mackey - She really lets us in certain parts of her life. I think she has the one blog that brings a tear to my eye more often than any others. She offers perspective that is sometimes easy to loose in our crazy lives. Her undying love for Chad and her sense of humour are second to none. She also gets the whole passion of Timmy's thing. She's proven that she's a great friend to have in your court too.

Randi - It scares me sometimes how similar she and I are...whether she realizes it or not. Sometimes I can read her blog and know exactly what she's going to say next. She has me laughing my arse off (no easy feat, it's rather large), and then other times she has me thinking or even changing my perspective of things. She's just dishes it out. Take it our leave it. That's why I love her.

Binsk - Although not blogging nearly enough anymore, she definitely makes me think. And Laugh. Hard. I find myself thinking about the 'younger' days and growing older. ;-)
I know it's a blog award, but talking to her in person really challenges my ideas. She has such fresh and new ideas and I love that she'll share them with me...and my 500 idiotic questions. Besides, her dog is cute and that's reason enough to get an award.

ThatGirl - Where do I start with this one? Her blog is one that although I link to, I'd like to keep her my little secret. I don't want to share! Alas, that is not me. Her blog offers an honest look into her life and the humours things that surround it. Ever since I found her, I've been scanning my grocery receipts hoping to find "grape cock" on it. If I had half the wit this gal has, I'd be seriously funny (I'd also be a 'half-wit'..but that's besides the point right?).

So those are my nominations. Sorry there is no money, fancy gift bags or even a crown or bouquet of flowers.

Here are the rules from the originating site of the award:

Should you choose to participate, please make sure you pass this list of rules to the blogs you are tagging. I thought it would be appropriate to include them with the meme.The participation rules are simple:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn't fit your blog). That was that! Please, remember to tag blogs with real merits, i.e. relative content, and above all - blogs that really get you thinking!

Seriously?

Someone told me if you smear a bit of dog crap on an itchy insect bite, it will take away the itch and reduce the swelling. Would someone kindly tell me who figures these things out and who in their right mind would rather smell like shit than itch a bit?

Not that it's even warm enough here yet to start thinking about bug bites.

Isn't it lovely
when friends and colleagues express
how worn out you look?

Been fighting sniffles,
Crappy, cuz I'm never 'sick'
Mind over matter!

Taxes must get done
Why so lazy this year Sass?
Afraid of owing?

Puttin' my feet up,
Visiting an old friend too,
Just need to relax!

Destructive much?

At least he mostly destroys things that are his. Mostly.
This one was of his "baby." He carried it around everywhere with him, even on walks. He took it to bed with him and 'kissed' it non-stop. He loved his baby to death. Literally.


What kind of dog am I raising?! No remorse either. He's replaced this baby for a new one. The only thing that remains from the dearly departed baby is the squeaker, which I often blow to remind him of his crime, yet he continues to be unfazed.

You know it's probably a good indication that there is not much material to your panties if you go into the bathroom, and it's not until it's too late that you realize you only took down your pants. Not the panties.

I wonder if this classifies as pissing my pants?

It scares me that the word "fist" can be a verb.

Happy Easter...and Christ's Hershey Highway

Why does the game of hockey toy with my emotions? I make it to my mom's house today in time to catch the last period of the NY-NJ game. The power goes out, but with like 6 minutes left in the third period I'm thinking the Leafs are goners. Then the power returns and my younger brother, my aunt and I are crowded around the tv watching the Devils come back to tie the game. HOLY SHIT, it's not over yet. Then overtime. Then shoot-out. We miss a playoff spot because of a shoot out. Hella, I'm no longer going to wipe my ass with the Habs flag, I'm opting for an Islanders Jersey instead.
I'm crushed.
Another year, no playoffs. I'll still follow and watch and cheer (some) teams on, but it just won't be the same.

On another note, to cheer me up, I have some Easter joy for everyone. Randi in particular may enjoy this. It seems there was some controversy over a sculpture entitles "My Sweet Lord." A 200 pound chocolate Jesus sculpture. Catholics were outraged because it seems Jesus is without his loin cloth. Yup, Jesus and his chocolate junk. I'm thinking that I should avoid the 'Hershey highway' jokes, and jokes about biting his 'head' off first... Not to mention that the "Almighty" isn't so almighty. Ahem.

Happy Easter Folks.

Holy Mackenaw!

What a game!

In the course of the game, I screamed, yelled myself hoarse, pissed my pants slightly, cussed like a sailor and even threw up in my mouth a bit. In true Leafs fashion, they dominated the first period (something like 20 shots on net!), ended up doing something odd in the second to make the fans heart stop, and then dug into beat the Habs in the third. A HUGE win for us, only made that much sweeter because it was the Habs we sent packing!
You can bet your sweet ass I'll be keeping an eye on the Islanders-Devils game today! We need the Devils to win. Keep your fingers crossed!

Almost Easter Haiku

Lent almost over
1 of 2 promises kept
Can't help that I cuss!


When Sunday is here,
I'll finally taste Heathe
Sent by Hippychic.


Have kept to jogging,
Even in the rain and snow
Now down seven pounds.

No Re-Leaf yet...

Well, the Leafs aren't totally screwed just yet.
They predicted it would come down to Saturday's game against the Habs, and it will. I'd give my left breast to go to that game!
Meh, it was a great game either way.
I'll save the cheering/cussing for after Saturday's game.

Let's get naked!

How come when you are young it's "skinny dipping" but now that we're older, some may argue that it's "chunky dunking?"

Either way, with the snow that is falling at this moment and the colder temperatures returning, it's making me yearn even more for those weekends away at Hella's cottage. I can't wait for a little sun, some beer, and skinny dipping (or chunky dunking depending on what angle you are looking at me from).

*sigh*

Summer please come quick!

Muffin Eating 101

It occurred to me today (while watching a co-worker eat a muffin) that there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who eat the bottoms of the muffin first, and those who eat the top first.

Personally, if I'm going to eat a muffin (the dessert thing..nothing else you perverts!) then I always eat the bottom first. I turn that baby over and pick away at it's bottom (man can that be taken dirty!) I like the top best, because it's usually crunchy. Crunchy is good. I could probably do without the whole bottom and just eat the top. I wonder why they don't just sell muffin tops, like they do donut holes?

Maybe I can develop some kind of theory (like the middle child theory that seems to haunt me) about muffin eaters?
Where do you start when you eat a muffin?

My redneck husband and his cars...

While visiting Hella yesterday, Mr. Sass seems to have potentially acquired a 'new' car. By new car I mean some heap of shit that's stuck in the mud, and belongs to Hella's dad. There happens to be a family of chipmunks who live in the engine compartment too. It doesn't get much better than this!
I only kid about it being a heap of shit. After about 13 years of being with Mr. Sass, I not only know a lot about cars (and can diagnose/fix a lot myself!), but I can appreciate the beauty that lies beneath some rust, and in this case, some mold and moss. Hella's mom wants it gone, and Mr. Sass wants a new toy to play with. I don't give a rat's ass as long as I have a garage to park in in the winter months. So, the adventure shall soon begin.
The thing I've noticed about Mr. Sass and his love of all things cars, is he's a bit of a redneck when it comes to them. The last truck he was 'storing' at Hella's place got so rusted it actually broke into two pieces on the trailer while taking it back 'home'. Thank God for small miracles. Looking back over the years, and the many cars that have come in and out of our lives, the evidence that I'm married to a redneck in disguise seems to pile up. Keep in mind this only pertains to Mr. Sass and cars. I could do a whole other book on the other things that make this boy a redneck...but I like the bed I sleep in thank you very much.

• When driving, the rule seems to be that at a 4 way stop the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
• Removing the back seat just makes more room for speakers and tools.
• Laying rubber while in a funeral procession is acceptable.
• Driving with your left foot out of the window is a skill, not a distraction officer!
• It's okay if your boots have more tread then your tires.
• A sharpie does a damn good 'touch-up' job.
• He can hold up the hood of his car with his head while he works on it.
• One truck has more lights than our house.
• The only Spanish he knows is "El Camino"
• He owns over 8 cars, but sometimes needs to bum a ride to work.
• He works on his car, even when there is nothing wrong with it.
• He does own half a pick up truck.
• For every car he buys, he searches for a second 'parts-car.'
• He's emptied the bed of his truck by driving backwards really fast and slamming on the breaks.
  

I just fear that one day, if he keeps bringing these things home, we will be the salvage yards biggest competition!

Edit: As I read this list out to Mr. Sass, I heard a tiny voice whine "It's truuue..."

Smart Cars? Pfffft. Ugly Ass Effin Cars is more like it

An end to a pretty good birthday weekend :)

So why am I going to ruin in now?
Because I can if I want to.


I hate Smart Cars. These ugly ass cars actually make me angry when I see them. I want to kick something when one drives by. I get that they are good for the environment, etc, etc...but that doesn't change my opinion. I'd rather gnaw my own face off then drive in one. Words can't even describe the hate-on I have for these cars.




A few weeks ago when we went to the Auto Show, Hella and Mr. Sass dragged me over to the Smart Car area to torture me. They did have cute t-shirts that Hella and I were checking out. We didn't make any friends in this section though. We were asked if we wanted to enter a draw to win a car. "Which Car?" we asked. "A Smart Car."
Hella: "Those ugly ass things? No way."
Moi: "I'd rather walk, but thanks." We got some nasty looks, but our moms taught us to be honest right?
Then, to make things worse, Mr. Sass threw me in the passenger side of one for a picture. It took the promise of many great things to get me to stop screaming and sit still for a moment.
I don't think they liked the puke on the floor I left behind either.

Never again folks. Never again.

Again?!?! Thanks Hella =P

The morning after a night with my girlfriends celebrating my birthday. It's bloody quarter to 8:00 and I'm tagged again. Check it out:

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:30 (On a Sunday?!?!)
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? That Rocky movie.
4. What is your favourite TV show? Don't have one right now, but Little Mosque on the Prairie is awesome!
5. What did you have for breakfast? Tea, a breakfast bar and some melon.
6. What is your middle name? Marie
7. What is your favourite food? Pasta
8. What foods do you dislike? Peas
9. Favourite chip? Bbq, but I really don't eat chips.
10. What is your favourite CD at the moment? One X – Three Days Grace
11. What kind of car do you drive? Dodge Neon (it's a Mercedes in disguise).
12. What is your favourite sandwich? Brad and Angelina
13. What characteristic do you despise? Selfishness or an unwillingness tot help someone in need
14. What are your favourite clothes? Jeans or my PJ's!!
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation? Ireland/Scotland.
16. Where would you want to retire? Stay in Canada, maybe live on a lake with some serious property! (amen Hella!)
17. Favourite time of day? The first quiet minutes of the morning, or when I first get home from work when I can sit for a few minutes.
18. Where were you born? Brampton
19. Who do you think will not respond to this? ????
20. Person you expect to respond this? Meh...who knows?
21. Beavers or ducks? Definitely the Beaver!! ;-)
22. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Morning person allll the way!
23. Pedicure or manicure? Pedicure...but why not both?!
24. Share? Always :)
25. What did you want to be when you were little? Always a teacher, but also an RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police)
26. What is your best childhood memory? Getting up early with my dad to run errands...oh and going to work with him on my PD days!!
27. Piercings? Ears X3 and nose
28. Ever been to Africa or Alaska ? No :(
29. Ever been toilet papering? Yes!
30. Been in a car accident? Yes, minor.
31. Favourite day of the week? Saturday
32. Favourite restaurant? Swiss Chalet
33. Favourite ice cream? Vanilla (I know..borrrring)
34. Favourite fast food restaurant? Harvey's ..but I don't wish to eat that crap!
35. Last email? A note from Hippychic :D
36. What was the last movie that you rented? Half Nelson
37. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Toss up between music and GreenHawk (a 'horse' store).
38. Bedtime? Usually about 10:00 (go on laugh!)
39. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Last time I was curious I ended up in bed with 2 girls, some male exotic dancer and a video crew in the corner....
40. Last person you went to dinner with? Mr. Sass and his parents for my birthday :)
41. What are you listening to right now? Cooper snore.
42. What is your favourite color? Purple and Green
43. How many tattoos do you have? None
44. Favourite magazine? People
45. What book are you reading? Just got The Pursuit of Happyness.
46. Weirdest thing in your purse or wallet at the moment? A fetus named Cletus . We're spending some quality time together before he leaves for Texas.
47. If you had one wish, what would it be? That it wasn't only Cletus.